Thursday, January 31, 2008
Run For ItWhen I was around five years old, I remember being in the car with my parents en route to somewhere. I was seated in the back and was staring outside the window, mesmerized at the array of shapes and figures that would whip on by. Colors, hues and tints, it was all very enthralling to the eyes of a small boy. An observant little prick, I noticed that the houses and people didn't quite whoosh by as fast as I thought they should, relating their movement to the probable speed of the car. Imagine that, a five-year old who had motion physics in mind. I scooted to the front and checked the speedometer over my dad's shoulder. Eighty kilometers per hour. In my mind suddenly arrived the seemingly obvious rationale: "80kph is slow because the trees and mountains and buildings move away from my line of sight from the window slowly too."
With this, I blurted out, breaking the otherwise looming silence, "I think I can run at 80kph!" I said this with the utmost confidence and sincerity, as if making a statement of fact. My mom looked at me with a mixture of disbelief and amusement. One of those
ano-ba-naman-itong-batang-ito looks. "Oh? Talaga? That's really fast ah. Eighty?" "Yeah. Kaya ko yun. Kasing bilis ng kotseng ito." "Hahaha. Masyadong mabilis yun para sa'yo. No one can run that fast." And there it went, another moment of my childhood that went "ppppshhh......" Hahaha.
This memory is more than a dozen years old. When you really think about it, it isn't really much of anything. Not one of those moments worth remembering. This story would utterly bore my grandchildren in the future. There's no way they're hearing about this one. Haha. So why did I remember this useless tidbit from my youth? Why did I feel I had to write about it? I guess because it was one of the first experiences I've ever had of having my beliefs and principles challenged. It was probably the first time I used my logic as a human to be illogical and to stand by the virtue I concocted out of my irrationality. The thing is, we aren't human because we have the ability to be logical. That's not enough. We are human because we have the ability to be illogical. Only humans defy all common sense, sound judgment and coherence to stand by, to protect, to fight for what they believe in. It is simply illogical to starve yourself for days and days to prove a point and end a war. But we humans have done it. We believe in it. And the funny thing is, it actually works. Illogical thinking works.
Sure, I really couldn't run eighty kilometers per hour. But I was devastated that I wasn't allowed to believe that I could. I was thinking, "What's so wrong with believing in an impossibility?" Sure, I know it won't happen, but my illogical self says to believe in it. Because what the hell, I'm only human. The thing is, there are so many concepts in life that logic will say is stupid, is impossible, is lunacy. Heaven, God, the devil, love, death, life, altruism, all forms of illogic. Yet here we are, beating ourselves up and each other, forcing ourselves to believe that they're all true. Maybe they are. But they probably aren't. But that doesn't bother us one bit.
The moment I realized in that car that I could run 80, it didn't seem illogical. I was ready to get out of the car and race it at that point. As long as I believed I could and ran as fast as I could, 80 wasn't that far away.
the adventure ended at 10:08 PM
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Karma ComaTalented NBA All-Star and eccentric (yet popular) blogger Gilbert Arenas developed a new way to look at his life day-to-day with the coming of the new year. He formulated a simple reflection exercise that one could do to determine how happy one is with his/her life. He urged people to look at each day that passes every night and figure out whether or not they were happy that day. If they were, they get to put a bar under the Happy Days column. If they weren't, they have to put a bar under the Sad Days column. Additonally, they must provide the reason why that day wasn't a happy one. At the end of each month, people are asked to tally the Happy and Sad days throughout the month. If one gets a 25-5 or 20-10 even, he/she is living a good life. 15-15's pretty good too. But once one goes below the .500 mark, he/she has to re-evaluate his/her life. Something must be wrong.
January, 2008. It's been 25 days. I'm on 10-15.
It may sound overly far-fetched and vaguely stupid, but hey, I've been following it and what I've come to learn from it is that January has been one sucky month. From the failing Finance long test score, to the rise of SO MANY personal issues with so many people I love and care about (details not disclosed), to getting sick for almost a week, to undergoing the most painful experience I've ever been through in my life (tell you about that later), things just don't seem to want to let up in January. I need 6 straight happy days before hitting the Reassessment Zone and trust me, an emo child growing up, you DO NOT want me to head back to the Reassessment Zone. They'd give me a hero's welcome back there, knight me, crown me, and eventually, once I figure out that the people around those parts aren't exactly "a happy bunch," tie/lock me up and force me to stay forever.
For all those who believe in karma, I may finally be getting mine right now. An entire pail of karma, slowly filling up through the years, reaching the brim, spilling drop by drop until suddenly, that cruel bitch Fate topples it over and pours it all over me. Flooding me, depriving me of breath, and strangely enough, killing my tooth.
If you really know me, the biggest insecurity I would probably have about my body is my teeth. Ah yes, years spent trying to correct the dental problems that equivalent one of those orcs in Lord of The Rings. I used to have absolutely terrible teeth. Canines jutting out from the side, molars displaced, baby teeth refusing to go away, some teeth even missing, etc. If there were a "Before and After" shot for a product that promises perfect teeth, I would have been perfect being "Before." Except I'd never really made it to "After." Hehe. Anyhoo, I guess some improvement has happened, mind you, and while I may not have pearly whites worthy of the Close-ups and the Sam Milby's, I'm no
Efren Bata Reyes either. I'm confident enough to smile when cameras are flashing anyway.
Anyway, a couple of days ago, I had a root canal. My very first one. Yayy! Bring out the photo albums, this one's a keeper! To put it plainly, if pain were a city, root canals would be right along Main Street. Imagine having your tooth drilled down, then having your nerve ending butchered up, THEN getting a pus abscess inside (which looks like it can fill up an entire Yakult cup [and still make the Yakult look the same]) jimmied up and flushed out. Drill + nerve ending + infection draining = jay's face about to explode. I cried for two or three hours after the operation. I couldn't open my right eye because if I did, I'd feel this sharp tinge in my tooth. I couldn't stand it. It made me wonder if root canals could ever be used as effective torture devices in detainment camps. Haha. Because if there was any ANY ANY information I could provide just to make the pain stop, I would have caved in immediately. Haha.
Anyway, I'm still waiting on the results as to whether or not they will be able to drain all the pus or if the tooth will be stable enough after they drain everything. If they're not able to drain everything, or if the tooth is unstable, BAM! Extraction. Hayayay.
Now if I could only learn how to play billiards....
Note: a brilliant upside I've noticed is that through these tough times I have resisted the urge to light one. Yes. It's been five months since my last stick and I'm feeling great. That, coupled with my diet and fitness regimen, has allowed me to lose seven pounds in three weeks. I really miss Persian cuisine though. One night last week, I couldn't contain myself. I felt like a pregnant woman (okay, poor metaphor). Despite strong rains and the violent urging of my parents to stay home and eat their flimsy, store-bought salads, I trekked all the way to Metrowalk and treated myself to Chello Kobideh Kebab with butter rice. Hmm, what do you know? A mini-preview of how things are going to be? No matter how hard they prodded me to stay home and no matter how illogical it seemed to brave the rain by myself and moreover, break my diet, I had to leave. I just had to. Nothing could stop me. And hey, I went home feeling really happy and fulfilled. Fast forward one and a half years later? Hehe.
Anyway, I'm just dishing out random thoughts here. I'm a bit scatter-brained. I'm trying to get myself back on the blogging track. Haha.
the adventure ended at 1:14 PM
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Season 20Let's see, now where were we?
The first week and a half of this new year hasn't gone too well. It's actually made me rethink a lot of things. Big things. Important things. People always tell me that whatever problem you've got, there will always be someone out there whose problems are a lot bigger than yours. Hence, you shouldn't sweat it. "Put yourself in their shoes." People also always tell me to never compare myself to other people as that leads to discontent, resentment and jealousy. People tell me to follow my heart, to not listen to whatever anyone else says. People also tell me to plan out this and that based on certain things based on a specified guideline. Sometimes, I know people have their points. I know that they all mean well, but it's hard to point out what exactly is wanted of me in this life. It gets really confusing. You try your very best to do all you can, thinking you're doing the right thing, and turns out, you're not. You end up not wanting to do anything that has to do with anything at all. It's an exercise in futility. I like to make people happy. I do. I really do. But at some point, I kind of missed the point and started becoming crazy selfish. Yes, I am a selfish person. I know that. I've come to realize that. I've spent so much of my time trying to please other people and I've expected the same from these people. These expectations have proved to become insatiable, making me more and more selfish, forgetting WHY it was I wanted to help people in the first place. I guess the road to hell IS paved with good intentions. I missed it. I just missed the point of it. But no more. This week and a half has told me that while people have done me wrong, while people have had their way with me, I shouldn't forget who I am. I shouldn't be pointing fingers. I should do what I can to change what I can. Some lessons, you learn too late. You try to fix it and it's too late. You can't fix it the way you want to fix it. We need to realize that THAT'S OKAY. Some things aren't meant to be fixed. Some things you live with. Some things you accept. You be happy for. You learn to love. Now, I can't ever relive my childhood and repair everything Batman and I did to each other or fail to do to each other, but I'm fine with it. My feelings will never change. The way things are fine. If we all learn to accept them, there's nothing that need be wrong with them.
**
This year's a big one, as I have initially thought out. Lots of things need to be done. I've decided to try and go it on my own after I graduate. I need time to grow on my own. And I really believe that if I stay here, i'll end up in a rut and won't ever be able to do all the things I want to do. I'm thinking of moving out and pursuing graduate studies abroad, in the US, hopefully, in Boston.
There's SO much to do about it. An internship for better credentials. A part-time job for even better credentials. There's the GRE's. The essays. The applications. The recommendation letters. The visa. The interviews. BLAH BLAH BLAH! It's all so overwhelming.
As I read back the 1st paragraph, it got me thinking if it's worth going through the 2nd paragraph. Or if I'll ever get through the 2nd paragraph and reach this one at all. My oh my. It's going to be one hell of a year.
**
On a note though, regarding that "putting yourself in someone else's shoes thing." Some people have it a lot harder. Some people are farther away from each other. Some people have no means of communicating. Some people weep at the sad thought that there is no possible way for them to be with the people they care about. Some people go through so much more and still believe in what they've got.
I've got that. And I'm lucky I'm not some people. But if I were, that wouldn't change a thing.
We're only going to get busier. We're going to have less time on our hands. But that doesn't mean that has to change anything. That's something I should realize.
Walk by faith and not by sight. And I am so grateful that I'm with someone so much stronger than I am, to keep me up. Thank you.
Si Will Turner nga eh, once every ten years niya lang nakikita si Elizabeth Swann diba? Hahaha.
**
I got this from some
Quiz site. Nothing doing. I'm just a sucker for these things.
Your view on yourself:You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Your views on education:Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.
How do you view success:You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.
Who is your true self:You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
the adventure ended at 8:12 PM
