Thursday, November 30, 2006
silver liningi've been bitching about the impending storm non-stop since i first found out about it last night. i'm just another spoiled little brat scared of thunder and bothered by power outtages. it was the perfect way to ruin a perfect day yesterday. and come on, this isn't going to do our always-storm-stricken nation any good any more. haha. anyway, i got to talking to my friend online and she really put things in perspective for me. she told me to visualize a rain-filled day without the blackouts. sitting in the den, eating popcorn, smiling at the rain and thinking, "yeah, she was right!" she told me that it WILL rain hard, but that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing.
the more we fight against things that we don't want, the more they will come. but the more we fight for things that we do want, the more they will come too. at that point, i had been performing my anti-rain dance for a couple of hours already and upon being enlightened by that, i stopped my ridiculous actions and decided to go with it. fcuk it. i still don't want it to rain rhinos and elephants, but it won't be the end of the world. [though i seriously, seriously think all these super storms are indicators of it... your thoughts?]
with all of that in mind, i prayed last night. i prayed a lot. i prayed for the rain. i prayed for the storm. i prayed that the rain and the storm would happen but that it wouldn't cause much "chagrin" to all of us land-dwellers. i prayed for a spectacular, fun-filled long weekend. rain or no rain. as it was intended to be. and i thanked God for seeing me through whenever i bitch about the stupidest things.
"let the rain fall, i don't care.."
the adventure ended at 3:23 PM
Sunday, November 19, 2006
the sticker's offafter 8 months of use and much, much, deliberation, a few moments ago, at around 4:00 P.M. of this day, November 19, 2006, i finally peeled the protective sticker off my iPod.
people have been badgering me since i bought the iPod to remove the sticker but it only took me until today to actually do it. i guess i just never wanted to get the iPod tainted or scratched. i wanted to preserve its beauty and fullness for as long as possible. this, of course, had its consequences. months into use, the plastic sticker began to yellow, fold up, crumple and lose all aesthetic appeal. my iPod looked uglier even though the actual surface remained unscathed. more months later, the parts of the surface that the folds and crumples exposed began to scratch and suddenly, the dream of preservation became a losing battle and a sad realiztion came to be: no matter what i'd do [save buy a new plastic sticker], no matter how much i believe it will work, the one thing i kept holding on to to keep my iPod beautiful will fail anyway. it will deteriorate slowly, make it look uglier and uglier, then finally, on one seemingly ordinary day, will peel off on its own, exposing an already pre-scratched, old-looking iPod. some things, no matter how hard, no matter how much we believe them to be saving our lives, we must let go. my iPod will still work. it will still play the same songs. it will still provide me the service it was invented to give. but i'll know that something will always be missing. i'll know it each time i look at the screen and see marks and scratches on the surface. and that's something i can never repair..
... unless i buy a new iPod. haha.
the adventure ended at 4:31 PM
Sunday, November 12, 2006
numb?as a freshman, i was taught beauty in my literature class. i was told that if something wasn't fleeting, it wouldn't be beautiful. it's the fact that
it lasts mere moments that makes it so marvelous. it's the lucid yet somehow ineffable memory that comes after the moment that makes it so, ironically, unforgettable. you wish that somehow you could live in these little moments forever. but you can't. they pass so quickly that sometimes, you barely have the time, the power, or the consciousness to grasp them, feel them.
it's sad to think of the future. that one day, things have to change. friends will have to leave on their own voyages, siblings will have to start their own families, i will have to go on my very own. i'm not very good with changes that have to do with big parts of my life. and i've had too many things around me change already. and i hate that i'm always the one left, never the one leaving. can't good things last?
even Friends had to end.
the adventure ended at 1:19 AM
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
ode to fatherhoodthis trip has been sheer turmoil.
i'm trying my very best to understand him but he doesn't listen to what i have to say. he always seems to take it the wrong way.
always. either that, or he just doesn't remember at all. i keep on trying to share my side but all that matters is the way he sees things. he keeps saying that he is misunderstood when all the while i'm right up there on the same pedestal, back to back, also in the shadow of comprehension. i've learned to be tolerant of it, to just shut up and keep to myself. but then i am forced to speak out, my silence being a supposed form of rebellion or of disrespect. and when i do say something, anything, my words seem to launch a thousand ships and then comes World War 3. he tells me i judge him: my insights and opinions, though in the lightest and most respectable manner, are arrows to the heart. i am condemned for saying nothing, condemned for saying anything.
nothing i do is ever good enough. that finishline i am swimming to just seems to get farther and farther. cramped up and out of breath, i tread on oceans and oceans, trying to prove to him that i am doing my very best. even if i finish 22nd place. i'm not an honors student, i'm not a prospective cumlaude, but God knows, there were times i'd study for Accounting 8 hours a day just to get the C+ i deem highly satisfactory. i don't think i'll ever be able to reach his benchmark. he tells me he does not pressure me, that those simple words and gestures to strive for excellence at all times, to succeed in every aspect of life, to obtain proof and measure of my life's achievements are merely soft pats on the shoulder. when in fact they seem like thunderous brick shots to my back and head and heart. [again, all that matters is how he sees it, not the way otehrs take/perceive it] he doesn't know that the values and attitudes he wishes to instill in me are already there, regardless of any concrete evidence. their manifestations come unacknowledged and are therefore deemed inexistent. even though in reality, they're REALLY there. sigh. it's hard to be the last/youngest in a family of overachievers. i have the most to prove about myself. i have the most to do to make him believe that i belong. but as of now... i am the poster boy for "black sheep."
what hurts the most is that he doesn't trust me. he doesn't think i have what it takes, or that he hasn't taught me well enough to make something of myself in my life. he doesn't think i will succeed. maybe i won't in his standards, but i certainly, most definitely will in mine. we're actually the same person, you see, in the sense that we have an overwhelming drive to succeed. it's just that we define success very differently. it hurts, you know, when your own father doesn't trust you. suddenly, everything you're doing ceases to have meaning or sense. what good is all the work i am doing? what good is everything i am aspiring for? my father doesn't even trust me with it.
i am a person who really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY HATES letting people down. even strangers. i HATE letting people down. this is a big chunk of why i am trying my absolute best to do what i can to make him happy. but what good is it now when he doesn't trust me and if what i'm doing will never be good enough?
i love him very much. i just wish he could trust me. i don't even want to put the burden on him to try to understand me. cuz i know he never will. neither of us will want to back down when we share our own respective opinions, what more if we share our entire indentities to each other? and i just wish he'd listen to me and retain what he hears. he has to try to walk in his son's shoes to at least begin to comprehend what he is going through. he says that he feels unappreciated and disrespected for some reason. but i do appreciate everything, i am very grateful. the thing is, i'm at the same place he is. i, too, feel unappreciated. i am not trusted, the things i work for go unacknowledged, my identity seems to be an utter mystery that though shared, is still unfathomable.
sigh.
my dad and i are the ulitmate oxymoron. we are the same person. but at the same time, we are completely different.
someone please take me home.
the adventure ended at 10:15 AM
