Sunday, December 24, 2006
it's all about the snow and mistletoelife's razzle dazzles, hodge podges and shim shams have stacked up a mountain. but since it's Christmas, let's all forget about that for one moment. i'm sure everyone's sick of my bitching.
Christmas segue. i remember my first visit from Santa Clause. i was 9, i think, and still a firm believer in the big guy with red overalls. i had wished for a copy of NBA Live '97 for my Sega Genesis for Christmas. my mom told me to write to Santa, which i did. on Christmas morning, i woke up to the sound of my mom's excited beckoning. she told me to hurry up to the 3rd floor because there was a surprise waiting for me. when i got up there, lo and behold, a copy of NBA Live '97! haha. i was ecstatic. santa had come to visit me! along with the video game was a Christmas note from santa. i remember wondering how distinctly familiar the handwriting was. it was almost as if my mom and santa had the same handwriting. hahaha. anyway, just a little story to share there... anyway.
it's the very first time in my life that i attended any simbang gabi masses and i'm proud to say that i completed all 9 mornings [well, a couple of anticipated evenings]. they say that you get to make a wish and pray for that wish once you complete all 9 masses. did i wish for anything? i don't know. i came into simbang gabi knowing exactly what i wanted and now that it's all done, i no longer know, and it's a pretty relieving feeling. for once. so i guess i'll save this wish for when i really need it, you know?
there's nothing i want for myself this Christmas. i've been blessed far too much already [coughwhiteblazercough. hahaha.] all i want for Christmas is that i can spend it happily with the people that matter to me. so much heartache and pain has already been experienced: holding on, letting go, accepting what cannot be changed, and all that jazz. it's been great, but it's all done and over now. i can't help but smile and be happy. and thankful. the more we whine about things, the more there is to whine about. the more we're grateful about things, the more there is to be grateful about. and i'd rather be grateful than whiny.
i have this thing where i never ever feel Christmas spirit until the 26th. when it's all over and too late to do anything about it. on the 26th, i'd drown myself in Christmas songs thinking how special the day was that had passed. but it's different this year. it's the 24th and i can feel it. could it be because of the simbang gabi's? the kris kringles i participated in? the fondue fest stirring up downstairs for our noche buena? haha. whatever it is, i'm glad that i feel it this year, it'll make tonight all the more special. now.. if only i can bring back my faith in Santa Clause.
rockin' in the new yeari'll be spending new year's in Las Vegas. and it sucks that i'm not 21 yet. hahaha. nonetheless, i'm sure it'll be a blast. it's the very first time [with the exception of the Ayala Millennium Party] that i'll be spending new year's away from home. anyway, here's another annual survey..
1. What things did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
-- attend and finish simbang gabi. witness a sibling get married. see ipanema/copacabana beach. get into an NYC club with fake ID. goodness, the list goes on. 2006 was full of firsts and lasts.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
-- nope. i didn't make any last year and nope, i won't make any this year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
-- not that i recall.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
-- sadly. RIP tita Carol.
5. What countries did you visit?
-- USA. Hong Kong. Vietnam. Cambodia. Brazil. Peru. Chile. Argentina.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
-- for true.
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
-- the Ber months. one helluva ride. oh, summer AkA travel bonanza/the formation of Jacrew.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
-- just getting through each conundrum life dishes out. heart of a lion. [oh, and getting a high QPI on one of the hardest sems ever]
9. What was your biggest failure?
-- failing to be all i can be for myself and for people i care about. oh, and giving up.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
-- just when the year's about to end, i get sick.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
-- hmm. a close battle between my iPod and my Xbox.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
-- jacrew!
13. Whose behaviour appalled you and made you depressed?
-- i can't name anyone specifically.
14. Where did most of your money go?
-- Microsoft Xbox360. jamoves.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
-- the travels. the gimiks. the dates.
16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
-- The Fray - Look After You.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? - sadder.
ii. thinner or fatter? - fatter.
iii. richer or poorer? - poorer. damn Xbox.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
-- saving money. praying. reading leisurely. jamoving.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
-- eating. opening myself up. getting too close.
20. How will you be welcoming the New Year?
-- Las Vegas, baby.
21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
-- no point, same difference.
22. How many one-night stands?
-- zero!
23. What was your favourite TV program?
-- how i met your mother! [love every second of it!] lost.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
-- nope! to forgive is divine.
25. What was the best book you read?
-- Confessions of Max Tivoli - Andrew Sean Greer.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
-- indie rock bands. the new goo goo dolls album. the new incubus album. certain hip hop songs.
27. What did you want and get?
-- materially, i couldn't ask for more. but oh well. a new car. a trip to South America.
28. What did you want and not get?
-- baby back ribs.
29. Favorite film of this year?
-- little manhattan?
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
-- had a party on my 18th.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
-- baby back ribs. immeasurably.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
-- back to basics. plains all the way.
33. What kept you sane?
-- writing. reading. accounting [ironically]. Jacrew. and now, Xbox360.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
-- scarlett johansson. jessica alba. elisha cuthbert. cindy curleto.
35. Who is your real-person crush?
-- ooh. the girl who likes the song, seven nation army. and the girl in the green dress [...she took my breath away, made me look to the sky for a better day. to the beat y'all and scooby snacks..]
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
-- cha-cha. con-ass. haha. ass.
37. Who did you miss?
-- my sister. friends i don't see. jana. joel. valyn.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
-- people. jacrew.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006
-- though diamonds start as coal, all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
-- "i'm still here." -- I'm Still Here, John Rzeznik
"i am immortal. i have inside me blood of kings." -- Princes of The Universe, Queen
41. Rate the year 2006 in a scale of 10.
-- 10. it was the best year ever. hands down.
**
i wanna thank everyone who made this year as amazing as it is.
the adventure ended at 8:17 PM
Monday, December 11, 2006
wisdom fades with age?i was reading some of the stuff i've written in the past year and i came to realize that i was so much smarter back then. well, theoretically/philosophically that is. when it comes to application and practicality, past-jay's a stupid idiot. here's some stuff i wrote more than a year ago which can actually answer some of my current questions. i mean if i could have written any of this right now, boom, everything'd be okay. my perspective's changed i guess. or whatever.. [*'s mean comments by present-jay]
Saturday, April 30, 2005the world's been spinning around a lot faster lately. lots of things have happened since the last time i blogged. realizations. surprise endings. happy endings and sad endings. new beginnings and etc. for so many of my friends, including myself, events keep taking place and it's hard to keep up. life takes over and you can't do a thing about it. you wanna just stop for a moment, take a deep breath before plunging down again, but life won't let you and it sucks but there's no use sulking about it cuz there's nothing any of us can do about it.
people have been too melodramatic lately. yes, that includes me. and i guess it's the natural reaction when existence slaps you in the face and thrusts a cold stick of confusion, melancholy and hoplessness up your ass. in the past week, i've seen people cry, be down and emotional more than i ever have in my whole life. and it makes me sad. like one of my bestfriends' said to me the other day:
"dude, pansin mo ba, as we get older, we get sadder din? i hate growing up. mas okay dati nung mas simple buhay noh? you play with your toys. and when your crush texts you once, you're so happy na. these days, masyado nang complicated eh."
[* i remember this moment vividly. it was the end of a "thing at Greg's." everyone was half-drunk or passed out or jamoving while greg and i were just in one corner talking, making sense of life. we used to have talks like these ALL the time during highschool in the lobby while waiting for our rides home. haha. funny moment. and somehow, it's one year later and the same thought still applies.]
i feel like i'm in the boxing ring with life right now. i am mzonke fana and life is erik morales and he's just having his way with me. swollen, bleeding, and knocked out of my senses, the 2nd round hasn't even started. and there is no such thing as throwing in the towel. though i get a few punches in, i'm losing my battle... as of now. there are a lot of rounds to go, and Mzonke isn't the "South African Wonder" for nothing! hehehehe.
[* quite the metaphor eh? haha. where the hell is mzonke fana right now anyway?]
Sunday, June 05, 2005it's time to put away the old books, put on my good shoes and go to college, the last chapter of my dependence. after this four year spurt of stress, new boundaries broken and experiences galore, i'll enter the real world. the scary, lonesome real world. but back up a bit. let's take it one day at a time. one day at a time. at a time. time.
to some of us, time is a big, fat, laughing bully who sits on a throne looking into a giant crystal ball with images of people like us. people like us who see time pass all too soon. people like us who don't seem to get the best out of life. we try our hardest and squeeze the juice as much as we can, but in the end, time always wins. with his malignant laugh, he'd take us away from everything and take us to the unknown oblivion of death. nothing good ever lasts. but back up a bit. time's not all bad.
time heals. it is only through this big bad bully that wounds are mended and scars are washed away. without time, what is forgiveness? without time, what is compassion and love? and besides, who's to say that the unknown oblivion that time inevitably takes us to is a bad thing? who knows?
[* i had a point, i guess. time's that character in the movies that people don't know is a good or a bad guy up until the end. time'll do something drastic to change the plot of the story. and poof. good/bad ending.]
**
it's amazing how we think of ourselves so much weaker than we actually are. we whine and complain about how difficult our problems get and yet we are still able to smile, to laugh, to enjoy the rest of this life given to us. we tell ourselves, "di ko na kaya.." and then the next day comes and that statement becomes but a memory. we become so preoccupied with what's happening or not happening that we forget to see what ELSE is out there for us.
we're all running towards certain goals. to some it's a marathon and to some it's a 50 meter sprint. but it's the 0.00000001 seconds before crossing the finishing line that defines us. that feeling of "almost there!
i'm so tired. almost there!
i can't go on. MALAPIT NA!
di ko na kaya. ONE LAST PUSH!
nothing more to give. TAKE THE PAIN! GRRAARRRGH!" our minds and bodies as oxymorons, we'd still cross that finish line sooner or later. and that one moment before crossing it, that huge paradox of hoplessness and determination, it will have become irrelevant. cuz you've done it. you've crossed the finish line. you've reached your goal.
first, last, in between, now that's up to us to react to. but to me, as long as i finish, i'll be okay.
the adventure ended at 8:13 PM
Sunday, December 10, 2006
the reachWaningShe is the other side of the moon,
the side the world cannot see:
mysterious beauty.
The love that never learned,
the life that never breathed.
She smiles diamonds in heaven,
paintings I cannot touch.
For though I am her wings,
she chooses not to fly.
And every tear and sigh
from my ugly face
is a storm on a far star.
**
anyway,
Rest In Peace, Tita Carol Alminiana. my prayers are with you. thank you for visiting us one last time. much love. eternal bliss be granted upon you.
**
tough tough couple of weeks i'd have to say. hahaha. but i'm ready to rise again. when you've sunk as low as inhumanly possible, the only other way to go.. is up. fall down seven times, get up eight. ridiculous quotes aside, i'll seriously be okay. it's another test of faith. believing will get me through.
the adventure ended at 2:13 AM
