Tuesday, May 31, 2005
para sa mga steady, para sa mga intensewell, rep is over. of the many forms of neverland that has ever entered my life, this year's summer workshop would have to be the greatest form so far.
i cried before the show. really, i did. and i cried in a way that i've never cried before. usually, when i cry, i'd be sad with a poker face and one or two tears would stream down my cheeks. but not this time, this time, i was pressed against my friend's shoulder, tears were flooding down and i had one of those faces that guests on Oprah or on Starting Over have when they start crying.
wow. like i said, i'm gonna remember this production the most. not only did we bring the house down and prove to everyone that we're so much more than they think of us [best show ever. best production i've ever been in, hands down], this year's rep made me realize and learn so many things. from the late night guy talks to the hours of jerpat-ing to the hours of playing tekken and nba live to the laughs to the tears [mostly, the tears] to all the hard work and finally, to the friendships forged and and friendships re-forged.
so, to you t-3 2k5, i thank you. for giving me a glimpse of neverland, as eina would say. thanks for all the memories.
the adventure ended at 10:01 AM
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
reprise #1taken from a notebook of my old works. 2002-ish.
Power Symphony
Soon, you will lose. I will win, and you will lose. Don't even try me. Because before this is all over, you will go down. I will defeat you. Then you will hate yourself forever and ever. You don't stand a chance. Give it up. I rock and you slop. That's just the way things are. Accept it. I was meant for triumph, for glory, and you were meant to whimper in the coldness of losing.
Fuck my enemies. Fuck my foes. Damn all who oppose me. I can take you all. I fear no one. I will lose to no one. Especially you. You who does not wish to give up. You who wishes to fight with your best effort. I know that you know this, but I'm not so sure if you've come to admit this, your efforts, I say, are in vain.
It didn't have to be like this. But then, you had to blabber around about how good you are. How much better you are than me. Well, I guess that must've been the biggest mistake you've made since your birth. Now, you must face the utter consequences. Your prejudice has led you to your ultimate failure.
I ask you though, before I crush you into ash, why do you wish to oppose me so? You know very well who's to be the victor. I've crushed your allies, I've crushed your friends. It's all you now. You and me. We will battle until the end. The glorious end. The end when I'll finally be able to prove to you, that I am superior.
Finally, it will end soon. I will defeat you. I can't wait. Prepare yourself. By the time we've finished, you will not be recognized. You do not stand a chance.
***
The words left my mouth, looking at the face I've known for so long, the face whom I once considered a friend, whom I once had good ties with. I said these words to him. Then, I paced away from the mirror and prepared myself.
----> J
the show
come and see the show. AVENUE Q: HIGHLIGHTS on may 28, saturday at ONSTAGE, GREENBELT at 8pm. tickets are at P200 and can be purchased at the entrance. avenue q is a spoof of sesame street but a lot more liberated [and bastos], hence, a lot funnier. worth your every buck, i promise! hope to see you and your friends/family there!
the cold and dark pit of regret and utter dismay
i have been swallowed. and it's all i feel. all i see. all i believe. and all i don't believe. hassle.
the adventure ended at 1:14 AM
Thursday, May 19, 2005
3am. seems my nights keep getting longer and my days shorter.
star warsi was one of the firsts in the country to watch this movie. and i have to say, it's the best star wars movie of them all. to me anyway. loved it. loved it. watching it again this saturday.
big yellow taxi
we choreographed the last song of the play Avenue Q a while ago. and i only realized then how beautiful and how meaningful the song really is. it kinda puts my intense wanting-more-movie-and-fantasy-like-events-to-happen-in-this-life-thing at bay.
"...we're gonna have to accept the things we cannot avoid for now..."
"...for now there's life, for now there's love, for now there's work, but only for now..."
"...everything in life is only for now..."
yeah, cheesy. cliche. stupid. but heck, more meaningful than anything i'll ever write about.
and so, after blocking the last song, it made me realize that it's a mere 1 week before the play. and only a week after that before the school stuff begins. and i honestly have to say, just like life, though rep isn't all that sugar-coated, the experience was worth every drop of sweat, every sleepless night, every ounce of energy. the juice was worth the squeeze. truthfully, i'm gonna remember this summer workshop more than the other two. simply because more things happened. though not all of them were good, everything worked out for the best. the universe unfolded as it should have. and i'm very very grateful. hehe. i just hate the fact that i'm more so cliche about life right now. but i guess that's what life really is. a cliche. and with it being a cliche, i guess there has to be SOMETHING good, something right about it, something to be learned from it no matter how crappy it may seem.. just like all the cliche lines that we use. lines like "just believe. look on the bright side. if you love something, let it go. until it's gone, you wouldn't know what you've got. believe in yourself. etc etc etc" if you really really think about it, all those lines mean something if you set aside the fact that they're overused and unapplied.
[friendster:
avenue_q_t3@yahoo.com]
the adventure ended at 3:05 AM
Thursday, May 12, 2005
truths here's how it goes. write 10 things about 10 people. it can be anything, a description, a secret, a confession or an address. you cannot, under any circumstances, say to whom the messages are addressed to.
1) you don't know what you had. you wasted something i only dreamt about. you had something i could never have and you let it slip away. i'm sad... for you.
2) i miss you dearly. you're the only person who could see things the way i do. i learned a lot from you and it's a shame you aren't here anymore. i could really use your help and companionship.
3) our friendship has gone a long way. but you have to stop pretending. you have to be real. but you know, we have that thing in common. we create our own world and shield ourselves from reality. you know, if it weren't for that, i'd consider you my very bestfriend cuz we have so much in common and so many things to talk about. you're aces, bro.
4) i hope you, for once, take an interest to who i am. you know nearly nothing about me even though you're supposed to be the one who knows everything about me. i'm supposed to be free to approach you and talk to you about anything, but you're one person i feel shaky talking to. but nonetheless, my feelings for you won't change. you're still who you are.
5) it's no wonder why you're one of my bestfriends. we see life and the way we live it the same way. we're never satisfied. we feel bad cuz we can never truly express ourselves to people. we're never given the opportunity. and when that rare opporunity does come, we always think of an excuse to feel bad about ourselves. hahaha.
6) i'm sorry for everything. i've never met anyone closer to everything i've ever wanted and needed. that's the truth. no more lies. cuz i guess i haven't been entirely honest with myself. i hope you know that you're not the same as that other person. you really aren't. and... i wasn't ready. if i were, i swear, i wouldn't have been the way i was.
7) it's a real shame that i wasted my time and effort with you. and it's really sad that you had to lie to me about everything. but what i've learned from you is that i shouldn't look so hard for something that has been in front of me all along. though i learned it the hard way, thank you for the lesson.
8) thanks for all your advice. you're the big brother i never had. and i know i'm the young 'you' that you miss so much. hahaha. i'm always here for you, bro. even though you sometimes push too much to be 'cool'. hahahaha.
9) i've always tried to save the world for you. always. i pushed mountains and swam seas. all for you. i hope you know that you save me too. you're the reason i want to become a better person. though i know there are some things you'll never know about me, i hope you know i'll always be here for you no matter what way you see me. i just hope that one day, you do see me.
10) i want to thank you for everything you've ever taught me. most of them, indirectly. you've been a very big part of my life. though most times, i don't like you at all [for your pride, self-pity, prejudice, and stubbornness], i want you to know that you're very important to me and that i care for you a lot. i just hope you don't continue to look at me the same way you see me. i just wanna say, 'know before you judge.' thanks again.
**
grabe! ang hirap pala nito! some of the people i've written about are really obvious to figure out. hahaha.
the adventure ended at 10:49 PM
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
silver liningwell. when you've hit rock bottom, i guess there's no other direction to go but up. hehe. things are looking up and i'm feeling wholly better right now. several issues have been straightened out and i feel really relieved about it all.
thanks. =) means a lot to me.
singled outsee, i'm supposed to have this date or whatever you call it with someone on thursday and it made me think a lot about teenage dating. for example,
what consititutes a date? when do you call a simple occasion wherein two people hang out and have a good time.. a date? and why is it that when you're a teenager, you never really call it 'dating'? are we all so shy or negative about the idea of going on a date? o baka hindi lang talaga uso sa pilipinas ang term na "date"?
ewan. when i started this topic, i thought i could be all "carrie-from-sex-and-the-city-but-a-guy"-like but then suddenly, i can't analyze nor give my thoughts about anything.
ooh, here are some things. when it comes to dating, for me at least, it's always good to break away from the conventional ways. break away from the crappy usual movie/coffee/dinner/lunch date that everyone usually goes through. do different things. go paintballoon fighting. go go-karting. go have a picnic. cook for each other. go commute-tripping and go around the metro on the MRT/LRT and on buses/jeepneys. hell, go skydiving at clark-field [shit, dream date].
but to me, the best type of date is just hanging out, steady at one place and talking. staying at home is great. you spend nothing, no disturbance, and it just seems like you've got all the time in the world. and that's one of the ebst feelings dating can offer. those five-minute moments that you wish you could just freeze till forever. hahaha.
anyway, i believe that dating should be as casual as possible. tension should be the first thing to be eliminated. and dates shouldn't be "career-ed". haha. though most of the time creative and thought out, sometimes, a bit of spontaneity makes the date a lot more fun. sponaneity makes a great date actually. go out having nothing planned and see where your feet take you. astig. hahahaha.
anyway, that's all. just wanted to share my thoughts. any of you have YOUR thoughts? hahaha. prove me wrong. come on, what do i know anyway? hahahahaha.
the adventure ended at 11:13 PM
Saturday, May 07, 2005
nirvanai'm not a perfect person. that i know. i have my faults and i know i've been really evil to some people, but does that make me a bad person altogether? i'm really, really wondering. cuz if it has, i'm really willing to do what i can to change that. i don't want to be the bad guy. though i've said my piece and tried to make amends, i guess it isn't enough to de-fault my faults. and it makes me feel really bad about myself. the fact that people think i do not care, that i'm a bad person, that i have to change myself entirely, that i have to keep doing something to prove to certain people that though i've made my mistakes, i'm not that bad a guy. but then, when people whom you have wounded rub salt on their own wounds, the wounds which you know you have created yourself, it really makes you feel guilty. you keep trying to bandage the wound you've made, but it never heals. and it's still your fault. some people would think, "tanginang sugat yan o, ayaw naman gumaling, iwan na lang natin sa ganyan." but i'm not
some people.all i want is to be in good terms with the people i know i've hurt. no labels. no backtracking. if it's still me that needs to do or say something to make things right, then be it. if it's my fault, then it's my fault. i have no pride whatsoever. i know i've made my mistakes, and i'm gonna do whatever i can to amend the ties that i have lost.
i just hope i'm really not as evil as people think i am. but if i am, if i really am, then shit. i'm sorry. i didn't realize. but now that i do, i just want people to know that i'll still make mistakes like anyone else because i am not perfect. but when i do make mistakes, i learn from them and i try my very very best to make things right. like the way they should be.
i'm just really sorry. i know it's my fault. sorry talaga. from the bottom of my heart. i never meant for these events to occur. so so so sorry.
the adventure ended at 3:40 AM
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
good buybefore anything else, i just wanna share that last saturday, i got my hands on the
HALE cd. and i just want to say that it's the best cd i've bought in years. and i highly recommend it to emo-rockers out there. very much worth your P250.
oh, and btw, i added more songs to my playlist. check it out.
shooting starsthe other night, i saw my very first shooting star. seriously. no nogging. no shitting. i'm serious with this one. i didn't make a wish though, i gave my wish away. i don't know if it was the right thing to do, but i just had a feeling that my making wishes won't really make anything better. not that i'm THAT cynical about shooting stars and stuff, i just think that i'd end up wishing for something stupid. haha.
the cauldron's contenti have no idea what i'm feeling right now. it's a mixture of nonchalance, emo-ness, happiness, sorrow, longing, and a touch of confusion. laboness. haha. but overall, i'm fine. i don't have to go on trying to write something deep, hyfaluting, and ultimately meaningless just to prove my point and let out my emotions [unlike some other people] maybe two years ago, i would've. but now, i've learned the true value and art of expressing through writing.
you just have to be as real as you can. there's no need for deep words, amazing similes and a very,
very melodramatic tone. all you need is what you've got. sure, you can put all those mentioned in there, but you don't have to force it in. it'll sound stupid na.
look who's talking. thinking he's the undisputed expert. stupid ass. that mzonke fana thing from your last entry sounded stupid too, you know.anyway.
back to where i was, ummm, basta yun. i'm in a funk right now and i can't seem to get out. i went to the fort before coming home a while ago, just to clear my head. i stayed for just 10mins cuz if i had stayed longer, i would've been tempted to keep on going to different places all through out the night.
2nd----millionth thoughtswell, after thinking about it again, i wanna change my major. to english literature or creative writing. the 'ol "follow-your-heart" bug is attacking me. at first, the plan was to double major in one of those courses, but then, baka di ko na kayanin. so after weighing it out, an reassessing what i want in life, i realized that i don't want the same path as my family. i don't wanna be rich. sure, i wanna have money, but i don't want something like money to be the god of my idolatry. i want to have time for my family, time for myself, and time to do the things i really, really want to do. i guess i'm the LEAST business-minded person in the family. weird cuz everyone else is REALLY REALLY intense about business and stuff.
**
tomorrow's another day and i don't know when i'll be able to get up from this state. sana bukas na.
the adventure ended at 8:41 PM
