Wednesday, August 30, 2006
watching trains go byi'm a servant of time. every time i hop in the car, i look at the time and immediately calculate the ETA to my destination. often times, i overshoot my ETA so i won't have to feel bad of never reaching it in time. this doesn't only happen with car trips. it happens when i'm studying, taking an exam, watching a movie, even when i'm on a date [we'll be sitting down, with me about to tell her a classic Joey Tribiani it's-not-you-it's-me line, all the while thinking, "okay. by 11:15PM, she'll be thinking of me as the worst idiot in the world. give or take 10-15 minutes, depending on how much i stutter and ask to go to the bathroom. hmm. i wonder what time i'll get home.. about 11:45 i guess. give or take 10-15 minutes depending one the......" {yeah, that's what i really think when i space out}] one other thing i always seem to be doing is making correlative references to the past and inferences of the future with exactly the same time interval from the present. it's like i'm always midway of a certain goal or process. i'd be like, "five years ago, i was only starting highschool. in five more years, i'll be working my ass off for a measly amount of pay. and that five years isn't such a long time. six years ago, i was only beginning to interact with girls, being all awkward and unaware. in six more years, i'll probably be with the one girl i'll end up with. and that six years isn't such a long time." i guess it has something to do with me not wanting to waste my time, wanting to live to the fullest and all that silly baloney.
sigh. such obedience for father time and he hasn't done a single thing to reciprocate anything i've done. beautiful moments are fleeting. painful ones resound. and i always keep to mind for some reason that one way or the other, i'm losing this game. playing hide and seek with time isn't much fun, especially when you're it. you spend so much TIME seeking TIME that when you've finally found TIME hiding behind the window curtains, you'll realize you've already wasted enough of it that finding it didn't really make much difference anyway. and time's such a good frickin' hider, it's annoying.
in a world moving too damn fast for anyone to keep their balance, time's a scarce commodity. when we run out of it in the end, we wanna know we spent it the best way we could have. ahem ahem ahem. coughtakechanceandwastesometimecough.
the adventure ended at 7:21 PM
Thursday, August 24, 2006
that Enrique Iglesias songAugust 23, 2006. 8:47 PM. four angst-ridden, emo-driven youths are lying down the hood of a car staring up at the glittery Tagaytay sky, waiting for a genuine piece of wonder...
Missy: ... mga what-could-have-been eh. haha.
Jay: oo nga eh. tinuruan mo mag-shuffle ng cards eh noh?
Melai: hah? "oo."
Jay: sayang. pogi naman siya ah.
Jau: oo nga. mon ka ba naman.
Jay: si mon -----
Missy, Jay, Melai, Jau: YYYYYOOONN! [wild, empathic screams and jumps follow as the four gaze upon a big, blue, split-second light show]
"shooting stars aren't as rare as people think they are. they just never look up." -- Jacrew
**
sometimes, you need a bigger release. when lying on your bed staring at the ceiling for hours isn't enough anymore. when everything is black and white, bland, boring and dull. when your face is as gray as a gargoyle, and even as ugly as one. on times like these, you just need to escape the universe, seek refuge and shelter, look for another dimension and reality. that's exactly what we did yesterday. four ugly gargoyles flew to a place not so near yet not so far just to get to a place to leave their problems in.
too many things have been happening recently. they just piled up and became far too much for any of us to handle anymore. and an impromptu trip to tagaytay was just what the doctor ordered. leaving one sunny and sad wednesday afternoon, we roadtripped to the south with the sole intention of pouring our souls out, screaming at the top of our lungs, and living a parked-car-night-sky moment. all these with cheesy/emo/appropriate/tv-show-like musical soundtracks to fit. [e.g. driving on the sunset-touched highway, "we've been on the run, driving in the sun, looking out for number one, California here we come..." cheesy. yes.]
it's an equation:
four really good/emo/excited friends + a good iPod playlist + pigging out + parking and hanging out at a closed The Peak resturant in Highlands [the setting was absolutely AMAZING] + seeing the b-e-a-utiful city skyline + seeing hundreds of natural Christmas tree lights in the bushes + having one of these Christmas tree lights make a home in our hands + sharing our deepest sentiments with each other + the coldest/strongest gales making our hairs dance and our knees shiver + taking great photos + lying down on the hood of the car + seeing hundreds of bright stars + seeing certain stars "dance" + seeing the clouds form an outline of a heart with all the stars inside it + hearing First Of Summer play on the randomized iPod playlist + belting along with First Of Summer + seeing the bluest shooting star materialize for all of us to make a wish = A TOTAL ESCAPE FROM REALITY
there are certain nights you know you'll always remember. last night was one of them. i can't believe we actually went to tagaytay on a school night and i can't believe everything went so perfectly. we went home that night with softer insides and lighter feelings. it was everything we wanted and needed. it's like the Big Guy made that night just for us. and i can't thank Him enough. i know that
nothing is ever perfect, but i swear, i had to re-think that statement after last night.
it truly was.. LEGEN--wait for it, and i hope you're not lactose intolerant cuz the next part of the word is--DARY!
Labels: Special
the adventure ended at 7:36 PM
Sunday, August 20, 2006
opportunity costyou get a reminder that your biological clock is ticking [not matter how many times you press Snooze] when you start to make references to your own time. when you talk to younger people and start off your sentences with "nung panahon ko..." it's a sign that you're not getting any younger. i actually had it happen to me the other night, talking with some of my friends who're still in highschool. sure, the time lapsed hasn't really been that long, but still. i can't help the fact that my youth is slowly running away from me. "nung panahon ko, hindi pa ganyan yung mga teacher eh. yung caf, di pa ganyan. etc etc." crude. yes. but still, a quiet reminder from father time to stop wasting time.
every day is a day less that i can do the things i want to do. and there are already so many things i've given up, so many dreams and aspirations stowed away. it's the law of opportunity cost. it applies to everyone, everyday. it's not just an economical concept, it's universal. we sacrifice things, part of ourselves, things we want to do to be able to accomplish other things and be different/better people. because in an unfair world, we can't have everything.
my dad once told me, "don't hurry time. but don't waste it either." it's one of his proverbs that i'll keep with me and pass it to my own children one day. there are certain things in my raw existence that i've already squandered and i'm trying to get by without them. sometimes it gets difficult. i dunno. everyday i feel as if i'm wasting more and more and more time. as if i could be doing something better, something more absolute and meaningful. i'm certainly not a perfect person. i'm not a wise person either. i'm just a person. on good days, i smile and am happy. on bad ones, i sulk and pretend to be somewhere else. the bottomline is, i'm trying my best. i always am. i have a twisted sense of what my "best" actually is, but nonetheless, i'm doing all i can. i just hope i don't run out of time. hitting the "Snooze" button won't work anymore.
the adventure ended at 9:25 PM
Monday, August 14, 2006
post accounting universal realizationsjust finished the 2nd accounting long exam. i don't know which part of it was worse. the fact that i barely even studied for the test or the fact that our proctor cut our time off by 30minutes for some odd reason which led some of the ladies in the class to tears. weird.
i'm half-drunk and semi-incoherent right now. and being so, it's made me think much better. you know what my problem is? you know the reason why i haven't been in any relationship yet? or the same reason why i keep on writing like a little monkey stocked up on lipovitans, extra joss's, and pep pills all at once? it's a wonderful irony based on my present condition. i think too much. yes. i tend to over-analyze all the things i do and say. after a pre to mid adolescent period of poor, heart-led decision making that led to bad experiences, i've suddenly turned the 180 degree turn towards thoughtsville. i'm the exact opposite of what i used to be. and actually, it's not really that different from the over-emotional wreck i once was. instead of going, "i'm so depressed.. what do i do? what do i do??" i just go, "what do i do? what do i do??" so yeah, there's about a three word difference after five years of growing up. hahaha. when the going gets tough, the tough get thinking. the rationality of everything i need to do is consuming me because i'm too afraid to make mistakes again and again. i'm afraid to lose people, to fail them, to hurt them. i'm a big, fucking chicken who won't cross the road for shit.
i've always said that i won't live my life with any regrets, that i'd disclude the "what if's" and "if only's" i'd come across. i guess that's all just because i'm thinking too much on which path to take. the path that doesn't even have what if's and if only's paved on it. doing so, i avoid imminent mistakes. when you think about it, looking for such a way been nothing but a big bitch. i guess that, since i am tipsy, i've come to realize, through this rational epiphany due to to the loss of my actual rational thinking [labo], that life's SUPPOSED to have all those what if's and if only's. it's living life inspite of that that we need to learn. we should hit mistakes head on instead of avoiding them.
it's weird logic but it's like you have to get into a car accident before you can say stuff like, "oh, if only i hadn't gone so fast," or "what if i had followed the stop signs?" etc. because if you haven't really gotten into an accident, there's no room and point to say those things, right? am i making sense? accounting's got the best of me.
anyway, it's only on the eve of my 18 and 5/12th year on this earth that i come to senses with one of the things that's bothering me. haha. i will have to lose some people. i will have to fail some people. and truthfully, i will have to hurt some people as well. haha. who knew that a little alcohol's all it takes to make that big 'ol "mysterious" universe to cough up some answers.
Labels: Special
the adventure ended at 11:34 PM
Friday, August 11, 2006
constructive outletthere is no such thing as "chamba." lucky strokes don't really exist. if you've done it once before, that just means you have the ability to do it. and having the ability to do it only means that you can do it again...
coughseguecough.
eight three's in one game. i haven't played this well in a long time. [in a long time = ever. hahahaha.] forgive my swagger. it's not everyday i play well.
i've never been this "horny" for basketball in my whole life. it's as if i'll die if i don't get a hold of a ball for a day. i started this new thing where i shoot 300 jumpshots a day. besides that, i still shoot around, practice freethrows, dribble about, and if there are any people available, play in games.
why this sudden over-affinity to the Philippines' most popular sport? there are many reasons. lately, i haven't really been getting any fitter. i tire too easily and become lousy after any physical activity. so i think i need this lest i lose more and more years on my already shortened life. also, of course, it's been a very VERY VERY VERY VERY rough past few weeks. emotions flying about here and there. stress from school and home and everywhere else piling up. it's tough. really really tough. i swear. sometimes i can't really cope with it all. and so with semi-sullenness on the driver's seat, i'm being pushed to play and play and play just to help get things in order. only basketball [and accounting. yes. accounting.] keep me sane enough to function everyday. the IAC tournament in AdMU is coming up. further fueling the basketball intensity. we put up a pretty good team this year and i'm hoping we can do better than last year.
anyway. i guess it's good that i rekindled the burning passion i have for basketball [and added a whole can of lighter fuel at that]. i don't know what i'd do without it.
the adventure ended at 10:04 PM
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
on letting gowhen do you know when you should let go? who draws the line between letting go of something and fighting for it? when should you cross it? can you straddle it and stand in between? goodness.
i'm a pompous soldier who has been in many wars. i have never won in any of them. nor have i lost. i've merely killed lots of innocent people and have been stabbed and shot and beaten up a few times in turn. it's inevitable, sooner or later, this soldier will have to die in battle. i don't know anymore. where am i exactly?
the adventure ended at 9:48 PM
Saturday, August 05, 2006
the crush theorypeople don't realize it but there's really nothing quite as perfect as a crush whom you know a little about if not nothing at all. so many things go wrong in this world but here's one thing you know that, as long as you nor 'fate' never act on it, never will. that person will always just be there for you to appreciate from a distance. nothing else. sure, you'd like to get to know that person better, but the way you see that person, that gleaming light of infatuation that blinds you from all that person's imperfections that seems so obliviously blissful will suddenly just disappear and turn into harsh reality once you get to know that person. i know it's impractical in so many ways, and would seem just utterly cowardly and/or pathetic and/or stupid, but think about it, the feeling you get when you see that crush of yours.. it's mile-long smiles, it's butterflies and dragonflies, it's jumping up and down, it's starry-eyedness, it's listening to feel good songs like Brighter Than Sunshine, Spit On A Stranger, and Accidentally In Love. basically, it's wonderfully ineffable. and so few things are left in our lives that are like that since our insatiable hunger for truth and reason behind everything will never cease. it's great having crushes. but to me, that's all they're meant to be. a crush is a crush.
so sickno, it's not the song. i really am sick right now. it sucks that i just HAD to get sick on the day of the long-awaited Accounting long exam. how did i fair? well, just about as good as i had expected. no, i'm not going to get a grade that's good, but i will get a grade that's good
enough. and after all the delays, fits of anxiety and rage, that just feels like heaven. i almost got pneumonia during the exam because i had forgotten to bring a jacket and i swear they made us take the test somewhere in the northen hemisphere. it was cold beyond reason. i found myself involuntarily shivering. i was delirious by the time there were only about 7 minutes left in the test. i had two more long problems to balance and about three more short problems to finish up. amidst the work that still needed to be done, i found myself suddenly narrating in my mind what was happening in my life at the moment! as if a first persona character in a book, i lost all sanity by thinking of nice words to describe my situation. it went a little like...
"...it's like the final minutes you spend on your deathbed. you're there, patiently waiting for the grim reaper's touch. it's strange that even in your last, pathetic moments in life you find yourself wishing for a mirafcle drug, a cure, something that'll grant you just another day in this world. but soon, you know in the back of your mind, you'll have to die...
ahhh. the final minutes of an accounting exam. i have not balanced two long problems and have not done several short problems. people have begun to leave. there's a shiver spreading throughout my body. is it fear? is it the feeling of failure? no, i think it's because i'm taking the test in a freezer of a room.
sigh. anyway. i think it's time for me to accept it. this disease has lingered far too long. it's time to die..."
clearly, i was insane from the just-passed two hours and 53 minutes of debits and credits and accounts payable and balance sheets and.... blah. or maybe it was from the impending pneumonia. hahaha.
anyway, back to being sick. i hate it. your sleeping pattern becomes erratic, you can't breathe, you finish entire rolls of tissue in half a day, and you get so tired so easily. i personally blame this on the unpredictable mood-swings of Philippine weather. grrrr. sigh. what can i do? man has struggled to find the slightest evidences for miracle cures for HIV, cancer and the like, and yet we still haven't got a thing for the common cold. i hope i get well soon.
the adventure ended at 7:41 PM
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
obviously, i got lazy to continue the "sticks and stones" entry from last week. but i will do, sooner or later.
einstein dropped out of school too, you knowwell, i didn't make it into Heights. i find myself wondering if this is a good thing or not. i don't know. i really thought i could do it. i thought i had it in me. but then again, maybe i'm shooting too much. oh well. i've got a whole year to grow and try again.
jekyll and hydesomething's happening to me..
yes. the very thing i'm trying to flush out of my system by trying to use it all up is taking control of me. consuming me. it's given me a dark side. nah, too exaggerated. a jerk side. yeah, much better. lately, i've been an inconsiderate, tactless, insensitive jerk. and the weird thing is.... i like it. i'm becoming the supervillain i'm trying desperately to defeat and i don't seem to mind. i don't know, there are still some traces of myself in there, but they're all slowly dwindling and dying out. is this a good thing? i really don't know. i kinda wanna see just how far this goes, downward spiral thereafter withstanding. hehe.
an effect of said transformation is the rapid entrance towards "cool"-dom. ahhh. being "cool." the one thing in my social stature dominated youth we all promised never to be. the havs-wearing, bora-going, ever after-listening, frisbee-playing lot who are considered the elite among the elite. i swear i had made more fun of them than comics do of politics and hollywood/showbiz combined. it's unfortunate. lately, with the things i do, the places i go, the words i say, the people i hang out with, the frickin' clothes i wear, i can honestly say that the thin line between being 'cool' and being "cool" is being crossed. the difference between 'cool' and "cool?" read up on my YM conversation with dre
here [just goes to show how utterly weird and bobohan/labuan my conversations with dre get]. this all sucks. i just wish things were the way they were before. or do i? how much better/worse would things be anyway? sigh. i dunno. i dunno. labuan.
the adventure ended at 12:44 AM
