Monday, December 11, 2006
wisdom fades with age?i was reading some of the stuff i've written in the past year and i came to realize that i was so much smarter back then. well, theoretically/philosophically that is. when it comes to application and practicality, past-jay's a stupid idiot. here's some stuff i wrote more than a year ago which can actually answer some of my current questions. i mean if i could have written any of this right now, boom, everything'd be okay. my perspective's changed i guess. or whatever.. [*'s mean comments by present-jay]
Saturday, April 30, 2005the world's been spinning around a lot faster lately. lots of things have happened since the last time i blogged. realizations. surprise endings. happy endings and sad endings. new beginnings and etc. for so many of my friends, including myself, events keep taking place and it's hard to keep up. life takes over and you can't do a thing about it. you wanna just stop for a moment, take a deep breath before plunging down again, but life won't let you and it sucks but there's no use sulking about it cuz there's nothing any of us can do about it.
people have been too melodramatic lately. yes, that includes me. and i guess it's the natural reaction when existence slaps you in the face and thrusts a cold stick of confusion, melancholy and hoplessness up your ass. in the past week, i've seen people cry, be down and emotional more than i ever have in my whole life. and it makes me sad. like one of my bestfriends' said to me the other day:
"dude, pansin mo ba, as we get older, we get sadder din? i hate growing up. mas okay dati nung mas simple buhay noh? you play with your toys. and when your crush texts you once, you're so happy na. these days, masyado nang complicated eh."
[* i remember this moment vividly. it was the end of a "thing at Greg's." everyone was half-drunk or passed out or jamoving while greg and i were just in one corner talking, making sense of life. we used to have talks like these ALL the time during highschool in the lobby while waiting for our rides home. haha. funny moment. and somehow, it's one year later and the same thought still applies.]
i feel like i'm in the boxing ring with life right now. i am mzonke fana and life is erik morales and he's just having his way with me. swollen, bleeding, and knocked out of my senses, the 2nd round hasn't even started. and there is no such thing as throwing in the towel. though i get a few punches in, i'm losing my battle... as of now. there are a lot of rounds to go, and Mzonke isn't the "South African Wonder" for nothing! hehehehe.
[* quite the metaphor eh? haha. where the hell is mzonke fana right now anyway?]
Sunday, June 05, 2005it's time to put away the old books, put on my good shoes and go to college, the last chapter of my dependence. after this four year spurt of stress, new boundaries broken and experiences galore, i'll enter the real world. the scary, lonesome real world. but back up a bit. let's take it one day at a time. one day at a time. at a time. time.
to some of us, time is a big, fat, laughing bully who sits on a throne looking into a giant crystal ball with images of people like us. people like us who see time pass all too soon. people like us who don't seem to get the best out of life. we try our hardest and squeeze the juice as much as we can, but in the end, time always wins. with his malignant laugh, he'd take us away from everything and take us to the unknown oblivion of death. nothing good ever lasts. but back up a bit. time's not all bad.
time heals. it is only through this big bad bully that wounds are mended and scars are washed away. without time, what is forgiveness? without time, what is compassion and love? and besides, who's to say that the unknown oblivion that time inevitably takes us to is a bad thing? who knows?
[* i had a point, i guess. time's that character in the movies that people don't know is a good or a bad guy up until the end. time'll do something drastic to change the plot of the story. and poof. good/bad ending.]
**
it's amazing how we think of ourselves so much weaker than we actually are. we whine and complain about how difficult our problems get and yet we are still able to smile, to laugh, to enjoy the rest of this life given to us. we tell ourselves, "di ko na kaya.." and then the next day comes and that statement becomes but a memory. we become so preoccupied with what's happening or not happening that we forget to see what ELSE is out there for us.
we're all running towards certain goals. to some it's a marathon and to some it's a 50 meter sprint. but it's the 0.00000001 seconds before crossing the finishing line that defines us. that feeling of "almost there!
i'm so tired. almost there!
i can't go on. MALAPIT NA!
di ko na kaya. ONE LAST PUSH!
nothing more to give. TAKE THE PAIN! GRRAARRRGH!" our minds and bodies as oxymorons, we'd still cross that finish line sooner or later. and that one moment before crossing it, that huge paradox of hoplessness and determination, it will have become irrelevant. cuz you've done it. you've crossed the finish line. you've reached your goal.
first, last, in between, now that's up to us to react to. but to me, as long as i finish, i'll be okay.
the adventure ended at 8:13 PM
