Wednesday, November 01, 2006
ode to fatherhoodthis trip has been sheer turmoil.
i'm trying my very best to understand him but he doesn't listen to what i have to say. he always seems to take it the wrong way.
always. either that, or he just doesn't remember at all. i keep on trying to share my side but all that matters is the way he sees things. he keeps saying that he is misunderstood when all the while i'm right up there on the same pedestal, back to back, also in the shadow of comprehension. i've learned to be tolerant of it, to just shut up and keep to myself. but then i am forced to speak out, my silence being a supposed form of rebellion or of disrespect. and when i do say something, anything, my words seem to launch a thousand ships and then comes World War 3. he tells me i judge him: my insights and opinions, though in the lightest and most respectable manner, are arrows to the heart. i am condemned for saying nothing, condemned for saying anything.
nothing i do is ever good enough. that finishline i am swimming to just seems to get farther and farther. cramped up and out of breath, i tread on oceans and oceans, trying to prove to him that i am doing my very best. even if i finish 22nd place. i'm not an honors student, i'm not a prospective cumlaude, but God knows, there were times i'd study for Accounting 8 hours a day just to get the C+ i deem highly satisfactory. i don't think i'll ever be able to reach his benchmark. he tells me he does not pressure me, that those simple words and gestures to strive for excellence at all times, to succeed in every aspect of life, to obtain proof and measure of my life's achievements are merely soft pats on the shoulder. when in fact they seem like thunderous brick shots to my back and head and heart. [again, all that matters is how he sees it, not the way otehrs take/perceive it] he doesn't know that the values and attitudes he wishes to instill in me are already there, regardless of any concrete evidence. their manifestations come unacknowledged and are therefore deemed inexistent. even though in reality, they're REALLY there. sigh. it's hard to be the last/youngest in a family of overachievers. i have the most to prove about myself. i have the most to do to make him believe that i belong. but as of now... i am the poster boy for "black sheep."
what hurts the most is that he doesn't trust me. he doesn't think i have what it takes, or that he hasn't taught me well enough to make something of myself in my life. he doesn't think i will succeed. maybe i won't in his standards, but i certainly, most definitely will in mine. we're actually the same person, you see, in the sense that we have an overwhelming drive to succeed. it's just that we define success very differently. it hurts, you know, when your own father doesn't trust you. suddenly, everything you're doing ceases to have meaning or sense. what good is all the work i am doing? what good is everything i am aspiring for? my father doesn't even trust me with it.
i am a person who really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY HATES letting people down. even strangers. i HATE letting people down. this is a big chunk of why i am trying my absolute best to do what i can to make him happy. but what good is it now when he doesn't trust me and if what i'm doing will never be good enough?
i love him very much. i just wish he could trust me. i don't even want to put the burden on him to try to understand me. cuz i know he never will. neither of us will want to back down when we share our own respective opinions, what more if we share our entire indentities to each other? and i just wish he'd listen to me and retain what he hears. he has to try to walk in his son's shoes to at least begin to comprehend what he is going through. he says that he feels unappreciated and disrespected for some reason. but i do appreciate everything, i am very grateful. the thing is, i'm at the same place he is. i, too, feel unappreciated. i am not trusted, the things i work for go unacknowledged, my identity seems to be an utter mystery that though shared, is still unfathomable.
sigh.
my dad and i are the ulitmate oxymoron. we are the same person. but at the same time, we are completely different.
someone please take me home.
the adventure ended at 10:15 AM
