Sunday, September 10, 2006
beginning to feel like homeWhere The World Sees a Man of DeterminationWhere the world sees a man of
determination, adoration and passion,
she sees
mist,
blurry and cold.
The pale moon can never share
the sky with the diamond sun.
An angel can never kiss a mortal.
Beauty is pain, pain is passion, and beauty is
what the dying moon feels.
All the love there ever was,
all the hope there ever will be
is not enough to make her be with me.
-- Famas
**
say you're playing Snake and Ladders. you're on one of to the last spaces before the finish. all that stands between you and victory is a 34-space long snake to slide you right back to START. you roll the dice. fate is your ally and nemesis. the dice stops. "2." you move your piece and land right on the head of that dread of a snake. you slither back to Square One. sigh. Square One. either viewed to be as the most hopeful, forward-looking space on the board, or a lonely little spot of frustration and anguish. you've been playing this game for two hours and you've been rolled back to START N times, so that makes your definition of Square One the latter, more pessimistic version. one more go? do you keep on playing? or do you say "screw this," stand up and go play video games? [who the hell plays Snakes and Ladders anymore anyway?]
that 34-space long snake has bested me yet again.
the adventure ended at 4:53 PM
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
love and basketballpeople who know me can say that i tend to get a wee bit, umm, over-passionate over things that i really want to obtain. that goes with sports too. yeah. when you're down 0-2 and you're up against another 0-2 team, someone like me can get a little too "atatsky" for a win. when the stakes are like this, screw the stats, i'm all about winning. the thing is, i played horribly that game. and it killed me thinking that maybe i could've contributed better to the team if i wasn't so over-excited and everything. we lost. by four measly points. and i went crazy. so many things were going wrong that week. too many things were factors of stress, depression and anxiety. that basketball game was the only thing that i asked God for just to make me feel better. just a little better. one short breath of relief. ergo, i poured my heart and soul into that game. everything i had. even though i played horribly, i knew what i had to do. played limited minutes, passed the ball, played solid defense. we tried everything. but still, we came up short. and so, what was meant to make me feel a bit better magnified all the bad things and ended up making me feel a lot worse. i was without a heart and without a soul. so i went ballistic. i was hostile. i threw the biggest tantrum i ever have in years. if you talked to me, i'd kill you. and i'm sorry that people had to see me that way.
anyway, after that, i learned to just chill and be steady before the game. not to be too intense as to lose sight/grip of reality. and i think, the team was just finally ready for a win. and so, the next week, after 3 heartbreaking losses, we gained our first win.. and did it in style [in style = a 25-point lead. EVERYONE played a great game!]. it's been quite a while since i last felt the thrill of victory. it feels pretty damn good.
sigh. sorry. i just wanted to pour all this basketball-stuff out.
the adventure ended at 6:24 PM
