Monday, August 14, 2006
post accounting universal realizationsjust finished the 2nd accounting long exam. i don't know which part of it was worse. the fact that i barely even studied for the test or the fact that our proctor cut our time off by 30minutes for some odd reason which led some of the ladies in the class to tears. weird.
i'm half-drunk and semi-incoherent right now. and being so, it's made me think much better. you know what my problem is? you know the reason why i haven't been in any relationship yet? or the same reason why i keep on writing like a little monkey stocked up on lipovitans, extra joss's, and pep pills all at once? it's a wonderful irony based on my present condition. i think too much. yes. i tend to over-analyze all the things i do and say. after a pre to mid adolescent period of poor, heart-led decision making that led to bad experiences, i've suddenly turned the 180 degree turn towards thoughtsville. i'm the exact opposite of what i used to be. and actually, it's not really that different from the over-emotional wreck i once was. instead of going, "i'm so depressed.. what do i do? what do i do??" i just go, "what do i do? what do i do??" so yeah, there's about a three word difference after five years of growing up. hahaha. when the going gets tough, the tough get thinking. the rationality of everything i need to do is consuming me because i'm too afraid to make mistakes again and again. i'm afraid to lose people, to fail them, to hurt them. i'm a big, fucking chicken who won't cross the road for shit.
i've always said that i won't live my life with any regrets, that i'd disclude the "what if's" and "if only's" i'd come across. i guess that's all just because i'm thinking too much on which path to take. the path that doesn't even have what if's and if only's paved on it. doing so, i avoid imminent mistakes. when you think about it, looking for such a way been nothing but a big bitch. i guess that, since i am tipsy, i've come to realize, through this rational epiphany due to to the loss of my actual rational thinking [labo], that life's SUPPOSED to have all those what if's and if only's. it's living life inspite of that that we need to learn. we should hit mistakes head on instead of avoiding them.
it's weird logic but it's like you have to get into a car accident before you can say stuff like, "oh, if only i hadn't gone so fast," or "what if i had followed the stop signs?" etc. because if you haven't really gotten into an accident, there's no room and point to say those things, right? am i making sense? accounting's got the best of me.
anyway, it's only on the eve of my 18 and 5/12th year on this earth that i come to senses with one of the things that's bothering me. haha. i will have to lose some people. i will have to fail some people. and truthfully, i will have to hurt some people as well. haha. who knew that a little alcohol's all it takes to make that big 'ol "mysterious" universe to cough up some answers.
Labels: Special
the adventure ended at 11:34 PM
