Monday, May 01, 2006
changesthe moment my dad became a tempest of silver tears, i knew the process was near completion. i have never been one to say what i needed to say at the right moment of saying it. i have never been one to truly express in perfect, non-slurring sentences my inner-most sentiments [women who have gazed directly at the eyes of this monster will tell you that. hah!]. i have always been a bigger secret than i let on. i have never been as strong nor as assertive as i may have portrayed to the world around me. i've always been the pirates' shipwrecked-looking vessel, pillaging what i can to keep myself strong, to keep this ship's rotting deck and tattered flag as bases of fear or high regard rather than pity or sympathy.
[i remember one moment in time, a perfect example of the facade hiding a limbo of confusion. i was advising my friend about what he should do regarding his present girlfriend of two years. back then, they weren't a couple yet, and were having certain problems, as usual courtship rituals do. my friend became rather frustrated with me after i disapproved certain actions and words he had been relaying to the girl, telling him that he wasn't doing the proper things. he told me something i will never forget. "ano ba. wala ka ngang karapatang magbigay ng payo diyan eh. ano ba basehan mo? bago ka magbigay ng payo, ayus-ayusin mo muna sarili mong buhay." he was right. and so, the slow slow process of "pag-aayos ng buhay" went underway.]
but on that moment, my dad, as the great god Atlas, put down a planet of raw emotions and perceptions from his shoulders. gazing upon this amazing, godly feat, despite my mere human attributes, i never flinched. the usual quiet mouse that whimpers at the sound of thunder is now gone. even with his tone growing more and more serious, more and more intense, worthy of Zeus, i remained collected and spoke with all honesty, respect, and love. i was the quiet rain that followed each thunderstorm.
there was no spite at all. no ill feelings. just the truth. and the truth, as i have been told, is a raging waterfall. there is beauty and majesty in its angry and destructive appeal. but rapids, too, recede into calm waters, and more importantly, gain depth. that night, i understood my father. eighteen years of life and only now was i able i pull the tack off the lion's paw. i saw through the hundred and one billion differences we shared and realized we shared a lot more than that. i made my father cry that night because i was finally able to tell him what he needed to know about me and how i felt/thought about him. even for a moment, the two wavelengths we resided on clasped together. eighteen years i thought of this creature to be a rusty cyborg, and suddenly, in tears, he becomes a man. more a man than anyone i know. a chip off the old block? the fruit never falls far from the tree? yeah. all of those hideous sayings apply.
regarding the changes within me... well... i guess, basically, figures of speech aside, i'm getting more and more mature. i just need a little more time. soon, i'll be ready to save the world.
the adventure ended at 7:44 PM
