Sunday, January 29, 2006
munting mandaluyongsome four and a half years ago, i had my first "night-out" date. it was to a South Border concert in Ultra, with the first girl i ever courted [or at least attempted to]. i had to ask special permission to be allowed and i still had to be home at around 10 or 11pm. if i can recall correctly, i was mad for this girl: writing senseless poetry about all the things love is [which then was considered high art], texting and texting and texting, trying to become certain adjectives which i didn't even know the definitions of [descriptions like "sweet", "gentlemanly", "thoughtful". all i knew were words like "pikachu", "playstation", etc]. i remember winning the front-row, P1500 worth tickets [each] joining a raffle. i remember thinking of a perfect outfit, a two-sizes-oversized blue Bench t-shirt, cargo pants, and suede shoes [a killer combo!]. i remember meeting up with her at Ultra that fateful evening, adoring her like a puppy-love should. i remember striking a conversation with the guy beside me. with the loud music booming right in front of us, i knew she couldn't hear us.
guy: girlfriend mo yan?
me: hindi.
guy: liniligawan mo?
me: [a sly smile and a slight hesitation later] oo.
guy: ahh. sige. ayos yan. pormahan mo lang.
i guess he could tell that i was this kid who had just started puberty, and found it amusing to help me out. i don't quite remember how it went exactly, all i know is that he gave me the idea of holding her hand once the mushy songs started playing.
in my short-lived life, i had never dreaded nor yearned for any moment as much as the one that was about to unfold.
the song "Habang Atin Ang Gabi" played. i planned [yes,
planned. these things are
planned.] to hold her hand once the emotional instrumental part was reached. her hand was positioned right on top of her lap, just waiting for mine to grab it. it was as if her hand had some sort of a magnet. like it was a strawberry fudge sundae. or a really cute puppy. i was drawn to her. i wanted nothing more than to hold her hand and see how she'd react. i was driven to madness, all the time still thinking, "am i gonna do it?"
the moment drew closer. it was all or nothing. this was my time and i would prevail. this girl was special to me. she made me feel so, umm, different. something i couldn't explain before [and probably still won't be able to]. her hand was just there. all i needed to do was nudge a bit closer, lift my two million ton hand and gently place it on hers. that was all i needed to do. that was all that needed to be done...
the next thing i knew, the song was over and her hand had shifted positions. i had missed my chance. the same moment kept happening throughout the night. no senti-dance. no goodnight beso. no goodnight hug. nothing.
i remember texting her after the night was over. somewhere in my message, i remember putting "...had fun, kahit medjo bitin." and she replied, "oo nga. bitin eh."
she knew.
**
i just finished watching Little Manhattan. i can honestly say, i've never felt a "kilig" moment in a movie until this one. sure, A Walk to Remember made me emo, and so did The Notebook and Serendipity, but with this one; i was all smiles coming out of the movie house.
i kinda wish life right now were as easy as that. as easy as before. holding someone's hand is the life mission. the moments preceeding that are like the preparations astronauts undergo before a big moon launch. growing up makes things so complicated. liking someone suddenly has conditions and rules. you can't do this because of that, this keeps you from doing that, the two of you can't be because of this, etc etc. sure, back when we were younger, we didn't know what we were doing and we didn't know that love is hell, but what we felt back then was also the purest, most innocent love we knew. so what if love was a mystery to us? as they say, ignorance is bliss. back then, to us, that little spot of light flirting, secret hand-holding missions, and feeling of wonderful vagueness was what love was already. i'd give anything for the definition of love to be that simple again.
i wish things weren't so complicated.
Labels: Special
the adventure ended at 7:26 PM
