Sunday, January 29, 2006
munting mandaluyongsome four and a half years ago, i had my first "night-out" date. it was to a South Border concert in Ultra, with the first girl i ever courted [or at least attempted to]. i had to ask special permission to be allowed and i still had to be home at around 10 or 11pm. if i can recall correctly, i was mad for this girl: writing senseless poetry about all the things love is [which then was considered high art], texting and texting and texting, trying to become certain adjectives which i didn't even know the definitions of [descriptions like "sweet", "gentlemanly", "thoughtful". all i knew were words like "pikachu", "playstation", etc]. i remember winning the front-row, P1500 worth tickets [each] joining a raffle. i remember thinking of a perfect outfit, a two-sizes-oversized blue Bench t-shirt, cargo pants, and suede shoes [a killer combo!]. i remember meeting up with her at Ultra that fateful evening, adoring her like a puppy-love should. i remember striking a conversation with the guy beside me. with the loud music booming right in front of us, i knew she couldn't hear us.
guy: girlfriend mo yan?
me: hindi.
guy: liniligawan mo?
me: [a sly smile and a slight hesitation later] oo.
guy: ahh. sige. ayos yan. pormahan mo lang.
i guess he could tell that i was this kid who had just started puberty, and found it amusing to help me out. i don't quite remember how it went exactly, all i know is that he gave me the idea of holding her hand once the mushy songs started playing.
in my short-lived life, i had never dreaded nor yearned for any moment as much as the one that was about to unfold.
the song "Habang Atin Ang Gabi" played. i planned [yes,
planned. these things are
planned.] to hold her hand once the emotional instrumental part was reached. her hand was positioned right on top of her lap, just waiting for mine to grab it. it was as if her hand had some sort of a magnet. like it was a strawberry fudge sundae. or a really cute puppy. i was drawn to her. i wanted nothing more than to hold her hand and see how she'd react. i was driven to madness, all the time still thinking, "am i gonna do it?"
the moment drew closer. it was all or nothing. this was my time and i would prevail. this girl was special to me. she made me feel so, umm, different. something i couldn't explain before [and probably still won't be able to]. her hand was just there. all i needed to do was nudge a bit closer, lift my two million ton hand and gently place it on hers. that was all i needed to do. that was all that needed to be done...
the next thing i knew, the song was over and her hand had shifted positions. i had missed my chance. the same moment kept happening throughout the night. no senti-dance. no goodnight beso. no goodnight hug. nothing.
i remember texting her after the night was over. somewhere in my message, i remember putting "...had fun, kahit medjo bitin." and she replied, "oo nga. bitin eh."
she knew.
**
i just finished watching Little Manhattan. i can honestly say, i've never felt a "kilig" moment in a movie until this one. sure, A Walk to Remember made me emo, and so did The Notebook and Serendipity, but with this one; i was all smiles coming out of the movie house.
i kinda wish life right now were as easy as that. as easy as before. holding someone's hand is the life mission. the moments preceeding that are like the preparations astronauts undergo before a big moon launch. growing up makes things so complicated. liking someone suddenly has conditions and rules. you can't do this because of that, this keeps you from doing that, the two of you can't be because of this, etc etc. sure, back when we were younger, we didn't know what we were doing and we didn't know that love is hell, but what we felt back then was also the purest, most innocent love we knew. so what if love was a mystery to us? as they say, ignorance is bliss. back then, to us, that little spot of light flirting, secret hand-holding missions, and feeling of wonderful vagueness was what love was already. i'd give anything for the definition of love to be that simple again.
i wish things weren't so complicated.
Labels: Special
the adventure ended at 7:26 PM
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
sum of all worries and product of all efforts
"impending doom" written on the gray skies [what's that gray thing on the ground?]
album cover pose -> "The DD's (Differentation and Derivatives): Greatest Hits"thirty minutes before our midterm exams, my blockmates and i decided to walk to the Church of Gesu for spiritual guidance. and on our way there, it seemed as if mother nature herself was out to get us. gloomy rainclouds that had "death" written all over them were overcast above us. i had never been more nervous for a test in school my entire life. not the UPCAT, not the ACET, not anything else. there was something about this test that made me think it was a matter of life and death. the x-factor of what'll become of me. like everything in nature and existence hung in the balance.
hyperboles aside, i did really poorly in the exam.
yup. i'd be lucky to get a D on it. but hey, as long as i pass, i'll be satisfied. right now, the competitive, be-the-best Abastillas blood that has long run in my veins is beginning to drain out. in a game of survival of the fittest, being fit to survive is all that matters right now. being rambo/commando and killing off my mathematical foes with dual M-6 machine guns screaming "EAT THIS, DERIVATIVE OF X SQUARED PLUS Y CUBED OVER THREE XY TO THE THIRD POWER!! RATATATATATATATAT!!! RAAGGHH!!!" is no longer my mentality.
there are more important things to worry about.
the empire strikes backmy dad and my sister are having problems. one of the reasons why i don't have plans of joining the family business is because no matter how professional each of us can be about certain aspects of business, there will always be a personal punch somewhere in the business skirmish when you're all related. it's hard to express yourself at the dinner table when all you hear is business talk. it's even harder when all you hear is no talk at all because of issues between family members cconsequently regarding the only topic they ever talk about.. business. yes, one of the poisons of having a family business is slowly creeping through the immune system of this family. i'm worried the time will come when breaths are so short and our skins will be so pale from the venom of clashing personalities.
my sister's thinking of leaving the empire and joining the liberation force.. in Star Wars terms. a renegade sith whose out looking for numero uno. which, in normal terms means her moving back to singapore and getting a stable source of income there. there and not here. i told her to think about what she was doing, that "sayang lang lahat ng pinaghirapan at pinagdaanan niya hanggang sa sandaling ito." she told me that she wishes dad had the same sentiment whenever he would go off and make his own decisions, not listen to others' deliberation, and destroy the weapons that he himself taught us to wield...
[yes, he bashes us sometimes witht he same things he's proud of. one day it's "o, hetong anak ko, graduate yan ng AIM!", then the next it's, "just because you graduated from AIM doesn't give you the right to say anything. don't bite the hand of the person feeding you!". he teaches us to answer to no one, but wants us to concur with his every whim]
then i told her that i wished there was just someone greater than him who could finally tell him off. someone whom he listens to. then she tells me, "you. he listens to you." "no, he doens't!" "yes, he does." bah. i'm seventeen. the guy's never been one to listen to anyone he thinks isn't as good as or is better than him. but we'll see. i love the guy, but all this drama's gotta stop.
oh well. i hope it all turns out for the best. but the bottomline is, rest assured, i'm sticking to writing, thank you very much. hahahaha.
the adventure ended at 10:09 PM
Saturday, January 21, 2006
when hell freezes over... then meltslife's such a twisted irony that on the instances when you need to work and need to focus the most is the same time you find a million ways to procrastinate and be less productive than usual. it's my midterm exam for Calculus on monday and i haven't started studying. my highschool self would go and tell me that "ssss. it's alright. go to sleep. eat. update your blog. arrange the letters and old books scattered in your closet. clean the car. read old magazines. browse through funny yet useless online flash movies. but DON'T study." yes, my highschool self's got the best of me. i'd like to get a knife sometime and give him a good stabbing but he's just
too cool to ignore/hate. hehe.
since i started college, i swear i've never studied as much in my entire life. it's hard to study intensely when you've been conditioned for so many years to hardly study at all or to cram like mad twenty minutes [literally] before exams. adjustment has not yet reached it's peak as i'm finding it hard to cope with all the obstacles presented before me.
my advisory grade in Calculus is
D.
i really need to work on it. math truly
is the bane of my existence.
music makes the people do you ever feel that history repeats itself more often than you want it to? that life is just a sappy rock song on repeat? there's an entire CD out there that you want to listen to but you're hooked on this one song that has seemingly entranced you and has magically made the "Next Track" button stuck.
you want to change it but you just can't. you want to let other people listen to with you but when they do, they get pissed that
you won't change the song and leave. you end up alone. emo. without a smile on your face but with a rotting song in your heart. i have to change.
hehe. metaphors make expression easier.
i'm crazy for being crazy for...
the adventure ended at 10:46 PM
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
flirting 101something i've noticed in my seven months as a college student is the rampant flirting all around. everywhere you look, people are trying their best to get someone else to notice them. most times, they TRY to be inconspicuous, but the more subtle they get, the more you notice them. this is based on pure observation and not on experimentation.
Top 7 Seemingly Low-Key Flirting Methods [but are actually uber obvious]7) the nomad - when groupings are being created and the method is a countoff, you frantically count the number that your desired one will get and even more frantically bribe another classmate to immediately switch seats with you. you do all this whispering.
6) the indirect invitation - when something that requires him/her to watch you arises, invite the entire class/block. but always do so when he/she is right in front or beside you in a group. plead each person to come. do the "goo-goo puppy eyes" once you get to him/her. but be sure to do it at least two more people in the group.
para 'di obvious.5) the constant variables - in any particular group, whether walking to the tambayan, commuting to the mall, hanging out before class, etc etc., while other members of the group change and increase/decrease, you always make it a point that you and him/her are always in the same group. [numbers five and six usually coincide. and that way, you can repeat number five whenever number six occurs]
4) the text pass - whenever a text pass within the class or the block materializes, you send that message to him/her and ONLY to him/her. after all, the message
did say "please pass."
3) the amnesia - through text or ym, ask him/her for the homework. even though you just had a freecut and you know that you don't have homework. tell him/her you were
just making sure.
2) the last goodbye - always make it a point to say goodbye to him/her last. keep it short and smile always.
1) "pa-share ng iPod" - yes. a classic. even though you have your own mp3 player, sit beside him/her and grab that earphone [sensually and seductively, if possible] from his/her ear and listen to his/her tunes. ask him/her if you could see the songs on the iPod. scan through them and say "whoops!" while "inadvertently" playing songs like Passenger Seat, Kailan, A Friend of Mine, Sex and Candy, and Horny.
Labels: Special
the adventure ended at 7:52 PM
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
plugif life's a stage and we're all the actors, who's manning the lights? who's playing the music? who wrote the script? what happens after curtain call? ah. God MUST exist.
i wake up early. on this day, lives will change and reasons will be realized. people scurry back and forth, preparing themselves, the sets, the sounds and every little placement (at one point, they inhale Lipovitans and devour Extra Joss filled Gatorades like water on a hot day). they're all emotional screw-ups. a cross between how it is for a gambler to wait for race results and how the first few seconds of free-fall for a skydiver is. focus is a mantra, confidence, a commandment. there is no margin for error. yet there is no limit to how much fun they're allowed to have.
as everybody lines up for make-up and sound-check, i take time to visit the old maiden of every show and performance, the dark yet gentle stage. i walk around and finally sit in the middle. the feeling of being alone on a tranquil stage hours before the show, just watching the empty seats applauding louder than any other sold-out audiences - there's nothing quite like it. i sigh and look back at everything that has been said and done that lead to this very moment. truly, this growing tree has reached its peak of majesty (after withstanding storm after storm) and is about to bear the sweetest fruits of labor. another breath as i ponder on the near future as we're about to make completely ridiculous spectacles out of ourselves for the amusement of others and for our own fulfillment. there shouldn't be much/any money in the performance industry. no superficialities - bodyless faces or faceless bodies without the ability to differentiate a smile from a pout. it's all about the passion. the emotion/drive that fills you up hours before you give part of yourself to other human beings.
this is why we do it. again and again. this is why we face the pain and keep on growing. so watch us do it again.
Avenue Q on February 25, 2006.
the adventure ended at 9:56 PM
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
2005: A Year in Review1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
----> graduated highschool. went to college. painted. wrote a short story.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
----> yeah, i think i kept one of them. and failed the rest. so i decided not to make any this year and just take things as they come.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
----> nope. i don't think so.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
----> fortunately, no one did.
5. What countries did you visit?
----> did a little last minute traveling with my sister. singapore and indonesia.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
----> a more charitable, self-less personality.
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
----> 9/9. it was the day the music died. summer and the last days of the year. the most fun i had the entire year.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
----> graduated highschool.
9. What was your biggest failure?
----> failing her. wasn't allowed to enter U.P.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
----> sprains here and there. spots of fever now and then.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
----> i'm not sure. it's not specific to one item.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
----> LSGH batch 2005.
13. Whose behaviour appalled you and made you depressed?
----> my own.
14. Where did most of your money go?
----> consumables. food. movies. dvd's.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
----> first day of college.
16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
----> this time by my good friend ryan monje. you and me by lifehouse.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier. :)
ii. thinner or fatter? definitely fatter.
iii. richer or poorer? richer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
----> written and read more. focused on something worthwhile. spent more time on the roof.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
----> gone out less. talked with people less.
20. How will you be welcoming the New Year?
---> a spot of relief. yet a tinge of fear towards the days to come.
21. Did you fall in love in 2005?
----> yes.
22. How many one-night stands?
----> three hundred sixty-five and one-fourth.
23. What was your favourite TV program?
----> Lost. hands down. best show EVER.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
----> no. i don't hate people.
25. What was the best book you read?
----> good omens by gaiman and pratchett was pretty good. but i guess it's lullaby by palahniuk. oh, and monina famas' works.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
----> the re-discovery of re-current and classic rock songs. and the startling realization that i, Jose Ricardo Diaz Abastillas, am mainstream.
27. What did you want and get?
----> i got into a university. certain gifts and signs.
28. What did you want and not get?
----> answers. a healthy and sturdy relationship.
29. Favorite film of this year?
----> i only watched finding neverland this year so it's gotta be that.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
----> seventeen. cheers. booze.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
----> if God had given me answers instead of signs. but i guess that's how it works.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
----> more freestyle. very flexible.
33. What kept you sane?
----> the roof. my closest friends. talking with the Dude. writing.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
----> my favorite authors. social heroes. kiko escora. the editor-in-chief of UNO mag. the big 5: elisha cuthbert, jessica alba, cindy curleto, scarlett johansson, and maggie quigley.
35. Who is your real-person crush?
----> in 2005? the girl who was wendy darling. the girl who considered me the 5th man. and slide girl.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
----> hello, garci. obviously. but i don't care too much for politics. it complicates things.
37. Who did you miss?
----> my sister. friends abroad. "girlfriend" jana.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
----> reppers, i guess. and strangers with whom i've had the pleasure of sharing the most whimsical/significantly pointless conversations ever.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005
----> peace lies in the acceptance of the Plan. steady lang. always. bawal emo.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
And I try to realize
That I needn't look any further
The whole of the universe
Is plain to see
And I try not to rely
On another world or the future
The whole of the universe is a mystery
And it gets me over
Yeah, it gets me over
And it gets me over
Yeah, it gets me over
(oh, and almost the entire song I'm Still Here by John Rzeznik)
**
2005 was like falling down the stairs, breaking your leg, standing up, walking it off, and just laughing about it after. a surreal insanity. the darkest of comedies. but overall, a great year. looking forward to a greatER 2006. let's make it happen.
Labels: Special
the adventure ended at 7:14 PM
