Monday, November 21, 2005
passionates and fashionatesbeing the only son [not to mention, the youngest] in a family of over-achievers is tough. first of all, it's tough to cope. when everyone's excelling and is already far beyond all you've accomplished, you're expected to do the same, if not more. in my family, you always have to be productive. you always have to be doing something. you always have to have something going for you. i was just imagining, if/when i get a girlfriend, she will be bashed, criticized, interrogated, and worst of all, be compared to EACH of my sisters. that's tough. [it's tougher for me cuz my sisters' boyfriends don't have bases for comparison cuz i don't have a brother] she will be tried and tested if she fits in the circle, in the plan. she will be examined thoroughly to see if she's
good enough. now, all that doesn't seem right, right? whatever happened to good ol' emotions, chemistry, attraction, the bonds, heck, love? well, they say throw all that in too. hahaha. good luck.
wait, where was i? oh yeah, coping.
now, being the only name bearer in the name, it'll be my job to continue the legacy. to be the best. always to be the best [at least that's always what i'm told]. to uphold the name with pride, prestige and honor. but i ask, what's in a name? what if the life presented to me is not the life i wish to live? my parents keep telling me that i'm free to choose, that i can do whatever i want [as long as i'm the best at it. {why do you have to be the best? i just wanna enjoy what i'm doing. being the best doesn't always mean enjoying yourself}], but the truth is, it's pressure-o-mania. i'm being groomed to sit at the thrown. the next emperor of a supposed great dynasty. i'm strong enough to think otherwise for now. to be sturdy with my philosophies. but soon enough, with enough prodding, i'm going to lose everything i aspire for. all the things i believe in. the biggest picture. i'll be brainwashed. and i'll be stuck trying to make money, making the company big and wasting my life with worldy affairs. that's not the life i want. the reason why i "waste" my time on writing, on playing video games [i will play FF8 until i die], on daydreaming, on sleeping, on seemingly meaningless things, is because it's the only way i can express myself in the way i want to. these are the only outlets i have to escape this world. every night, i go to bed wishing that i wake up somewhere else. this world bores me so much. sure, i love my family and friends but i have to get away if i want to be truly happy. i know what i've got and what i've got is a lot, butit's not what i want. this is why a career in business will never do it for me. the closest i ever get to attaining what i want are at the times i'm asleep and i dream about it, the times i write about it, and at the times i tell myself that God WILL put reason to all this desire [i never asked to want all of this. i just do]. it's all i want.
it's tough cuz i don't fit in the plan. i'm like the wrong piece of the puzzle that they're desperately trying to fit. but i think, with a little bending and forcing, i'll soon be part of the puzzle myself. though i'd be the piece that doesn't compliment the entirety of the puzzle, i'll still fit.
gaarggh. someone save me.
new hobby
da vinci's got nothing on meuh-oh. i have a new hobby. but i suck at it. but soon, with more practice, i'll be good at it. the artist in me knows so.
hey, it's my first painting. cut me some slack.
**
i've found another means to escape. haaay. just hope one day, i actually will.
the adventure ended at 9:53 PM
