Thursday, February 17, 2005
let's run awaythere have been times when i've seriously thought about running away from home. yeah. lots of times. i've thought of where i'd go, where i'd stay, what i'd do, how would i survive. i really think that i can do it. i really think i'd survive on my own. i keep getting pushed to. but then, the only reason why i don't do it, is cuz though i may be away from the things i wanna be far from, i would also find myself missing the things that actually matter to me. and if i did run away, i'd be wasting so much of myself and i'd keep on thinking what i would have been.
why do i want to run away? this family is starting to get on my final nerves. it's always been so pretentious. at least with me. they keep on forcing all these values and shit into us kids and forget to notice the people that we actually are. what gets noticed are things we do. no one could give a damn bout who i am as a person. i'm always told [personally], that i should speak up, express my own opinion, tell them who i am. see, they always complain that i never say anything, that i'm so secretive, that i don't help them to understand who i am. they force me to talk. my dad once told me i was a coward and a gay cuz i didn't have a plan in life and i didn't wanna tell him what it is if i did have one. but the thing is, when i do speak, when i do share to them who i am and stuff, either they never listen to me, or it just gets slammed right back to my face. they say 'nagmamarunong' naman ako. so why the hell talk anyway?
excellence, success, good character, and development are all that matter in the family. i guess i'm the black sheep. i'm the only one who seems to have a problem with it. my benchmark for success [among other philosophies] is so much different from the rest of the family's. and i'm missing the one person in the family who would at least have an idea of what i'm talking about. i don't like playing favorites, but i have to say, i miss my ate pam very much. i look up to her a lot and i learned so much from her. and she knows me the most and understands who i am. my parents will never see that. my dad especially. it sucks now, cuz my mom's siding with my dad. she actually told me that "if your dad asks you a question, you answer it." and i say [in a "nicer" way], "but he never listens to me anyway and probably wouldn't care for what i have to say." and she goes, "that doesn't matter. just answer his questions."
haaaaay. sure, i'm lucky to have a family. a complete family. an affluent family. a loving family. a supportive family. but then, there's just something in me that doesn't want to go home when i'm out sometimes. or something in me that makes me want to leave home every now and then. i love my family very much, but i don't think i like them all that much anymore.
march 21i dread this day. yup. my graduation day is on march 20, but i dread the next day.
the next day. i can't begin to imagine how i'm going to feel when i wake up the next day. i just can't see myself waking up to the day when my whole life as a Lasallian is finally over. the day when i will have no more official affiliations with LSGH. after 12 long years, on march 21, it'll finally be done. it's a scary thought and it's freaking me out.
what if the world were a little bit softer?what if the world were a little bit softer?
more roads of feathers, cushions, and mush
buildings of pillows, houses of plush
what if the world were a bit more tender?
nothing sharp enough to cut through cheese
sand at the beach, squeezable softies
what if the world moved a little less faster?
no need to rush, there's nothing to catch
come watch till mother hen's eggs start to hatch
what if the world had a little more answers?
when one plus one can be more than two
and how a shoe and shampoo can be put in a stew
what if the world were a little bit softer?
there'd be nothing that bullets can hit
the bad ol' gunmen would have to quit
what if the world were a bit more tender?
then beggar john'd be off the street
and little kiko'd have food to eat
what if the world moved a little less faster?
people relaxed, "tata!" to anger
then maybe we'd all live a little bit softer
what if the world had a little more answers?
when one plus one can be more than two
and how a shoe and shampoo can be put in a stew
**
it's for kids actually. and i see it with illustrations by tim burton.
the adventure ended at 10:59 PM
