Thursday, February 03, 2005
the spotful mind
i feel like shit. there isn't any other way to explain it.
maybe it's cuz after 11 school days [yes, 11 full school days], i'll be graduating. i'll be moving on to "greener" pastures. how green can they be? all i see is soil. but hey, from soil can sprout the most beautiful flowers. if only i were as optimistic as i ought to be. i look behind me and i see the perilous road that i have traveled in. as bumpy and muddy as it may have been, i enjoyed the ride. and with the next destination in sight. i wouldn't mind taking in a pitstop and enjoying the view for a while. you're only in highschool once.
maybe it's cuz i've been angry with myself for being a stupid, stupid boy. i've always said that i don't really care much for grades and stuff. i've always known who i am and what i'm capable of. but then it sucks to see your friends up there, the people who you see eye to eye with everyday. and here i am now, looking up. and what sucks more, is that i know i
could've done better. sure, let's be optimistic and say that something like that doesn't really change anything. they're still the same people you love and see as equals. but at some point, in the deep recesses of your heart, there's a twinge that makes you feel a little bit less superior, a little less of who you are. i hate inner-jealousy. face it, everyone has it and not everyone shows it. call it insecurity. fuck. i am so stupid.
maybe it's cuz i've once again strained friendships that i know i won't be whole without. damn those trivial reasons that cause you to fight. though you know you're probably gonna mend the wound in time, time still hurts.
maybe it' s the song i've put through my ears and into my head for the nth time.
broken sonnet by hale. beautiful song. depressing though. i fear that it is soon doomed to jologization. i wish i could write and compose songs like this. someday, i will. and i'll be damn good at it. dreams are free so shut the fuck up.
"still i see the tears from your eyes. maybe i'm just not the one for you."
maybe it's cuz of the ever-present popularity contest present. the judges are the contestants and not the winners seem the same all the time. we, as contestants, do really great things and really bad things as well. but then, the judges/other contestants "boo" and "weh" us all the same. i don't think any highschool batch an actually say that they are
one batch. take for example us, it's the honors' class and the rest. no matter what we do, we're always the losers. the geeks who are trying too hard. we win, it's "chamba", it's "luto". we lose, we're "dumb", "unathletic", "uncool". our hirits: "weeeehhh!". to think, our hirits are a lot more creative and offending than theirs. this gives me a little motivation to graduate and move on to Ateneo. as i am sure that but a few of my batchmates will be seen there.
maybe it's cuz i still don't have a balldate and the reply slips and payments are due tomorrow. people say "P.I.! marami ka naman pwedeng tanongin diyan eh!" fuck. it isn't all that easy. i don't have anyone i'd
like to go with. and if there is anyone, God means an impenetrable wall between me and the request i wish to give out the person. i'd go stag, but i don't think any one of my friends are. and that would just be stupid. besides, sayang din naman. it's the gradball. THE gradball. things you only experience once in a lifetime are worth making a "career development" out of.
maybe it's cuz it's valentine's week next week. and i'm lonely. [i'm selling roses by the way. message me for details.] hanggang dun na lang ako, taga-benta ng rosas. as spring-love fever comes, i deny all sadness and melancholy and muster up a wry smile. despite all the tribulations, broken ties and all the heartbreak bestowed upon me,
love works. it
still works. if not for me, at least for others. that's good enough for me. [somebody save me from lonliness]
"lumipas na ang panahon
ako'y nag-iisa pa rin
daloy ng mga alon
ay tahimik na sa akin"
maybe it's cuz i've totally gone against all my discovered principles and new-found beliefs by writing this entry. the child in me is growing up. and soon, he will be as old as me. and after that, he'll be older than me. i don't wanna grow up. i wanna grow old but never grow up.
haay.
better luck tomorrow.
the adventure ended at 6:23 PM
