oog

Poetry

2010-07-19T22:29:00.002+08:00

Conversations and Adventures

"I can see it!" He said.

"Where?"

"Over there in the distance."

"Point it to me."

"…There."

"I don't see anything. Are you sure it's there?"

"Not really."

"I have to tell you something," he said.

"What is it?"

"…something."

"What?"

"…something."

"Wait! Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"Listen…"

"I don't hear anything."

"Keep listening. I'm not making this up."

"Nothing."

"Exactly."

"We're almost there."

"Where is 'there?'"

"I'll know when we get there."

"But we're almost there?"

"Not quite. But we're almost there."

"Maybe up this mountain," he said.

"Are you sure?"

"I'll never know until I get up there."

…

"Okay, you're here. Finally. Did you find it?"

"Find what?"

1

2009-08-13T02:00:00.003+08:00

Thoughts?

I guess I'm back. But then again, I was never too far away. I missed blogging. Heck, I miss writing. I don't think I've written anything sensible in a very, very long time. Hopefully, I haven't lost my touch yet. Sometimes, constructing simple e-mails has become a tedious task. It seems grammar and spelling know-how are lost as easily as the knowledge instilled in one during his or her gradeschool days. Who ARE the Filipino presidents in order? What ARE the inert gases in THAT chart of elements? When does I come before E?? I'm stumped. But I guess for every thing that you don't remember, there's something you won't forget. Ramon Magsaysay DID die in a plane crash, W is the symbol for Tungsten, and "your" implies ownership while "you're" is You Are.

And as any super celebrity or sports star on a long hiatus is asked, "So what have you been up to?" Here I am trying to answer my own lowly interview, filled to the brim with words, but having nothing to say. You know that feeling you get when you feel like taking a crap and when you get to the toilet, you're ready, you're in the zone, you're dropping the bomb and... nothing. Just a couple of farts and butt cramps for your trouble.

But yeah, life's been good. Sometimes, too good. But as I have always believed the universe dictates, there is always balance. Nothing is ever too good, and nothing is ever too bad. It's a sick joke that you can't ever have everything you ever wanted, even in little aspects. It's the best cheeseburger in the world, BUT it's worth 2000 calories. You work your ass off for an A paper, BUT you get a B+. You make a million dollars, BUT you're not spending enough time with your family and friends. Ay, balance be a cruel mistress. The worst thing is, even though the universe does have a plan on how it will balance itself, you'll have to be the one to figure out how. "Here are the puzzle pieces. Um, I'm not gonna tell you what the whole thing looks like but... yeah. You'll get it. Hehe." Good. Bad. Right. Wrong. They're all just words and titles. What matters is what you do. In the end, all we're trying to do is to make the two ends meet, make sure our little existence makes as much sense as possible because hell, we LOVE sense. To have sense is to be. Cogito Ergo Sum. No matter how much wrong we think we do, no matter how much good we think we do, if the picture of the puzzle we've started building doesn't make too much sense, we feel.... Meh. So you scramble the pieces and start again, and keep on repeating the process until hey, you're seeing the picture.

Sometimes I feel so so so bad for all the wrong I've done. I am, after all, (mostly) Catholic. But then I think if God had planned this, and/or... (um, I'll go with "and") if I had chosen this path, and it has led me towards where I am now, then ultimately, it's going to make sense, even if I feel I've done wrong. I do feel sorry for all the wrong I've done, but if it's part of something bigger, some HUGE picture that I'm meant to see in the end, then I say, "Keep going!" The puzzle pieces fit anyway. Like I said, nothing is all bad.

If you know me, you'll know that I love pondering existentialism-related stuff. I even ponder my pondering. What if I'm just a smart-ass trying to justify all the shit he's done? And I actually am just questioning a flat, outright, "It's-all-there!-Stop-creating-more-out-of-it" existence rather than accepting it? Then I must be so screwed up then? Not to say I haven't done anything GOOD my whole life. I'd still say that, if we must put labels on our actions, most of what I've done, is in fact, "good." (Haha. Sabay nag-bawi.) But I don't know, everything I'm saying just comes so naturally. While objectively it seems so complicated, it actually isn't. It's the purest, sincerest thought I have. It may be difficult, but it's not complicated. It's like travelling to a faraway destination with loads of traffic in between. It's going to be difficult to get there, but you know exactly what needs to happen.

But one thing I ponder above all, when you DO get to your destination, when everything falls into place. when the puzzle is finally complete....

Then what?

I guess it never ends.

blog#162

2008-03-04T22:21:00.002+08:00

Renaissance Age

I am at the twilight of my teenage life. In exactly a week, I will finally be accurately classified as, "some guy in his 20's," if ever a description of me would be needed on a certain witness report. Haha. Contemplating on them, my teen years were really everything Simple Plan and all those other trashy emo rock bands sing-whine they are. A time of rebellion, discovery, anxiety, hormonal outrages, and making lots and lots of mistakes. It was fun and I can safely say, to keep in theme with all 'em "your subtlties... strangle me..." songs, that I wouldn't want to change a thing.

So here we are. I'm about to enter what they (nope, not the emo rock bands this time) call the defining moment of life. The time when you find out who you are exactly and what you want to do with your life. The time you start making something of yourself. The time you first work, you first live alone, and who knows, the time you settle down. Well, what do I think of what they say? Bollocks. I remember a birthday letter my Ate Pam gave me when I turned 15 or 16, it read, "You're 16 now and you're probably surprised and wondering why you haven't really gotten life quite figured out. That's fine. I'm 23 and I still haven't got a clue." Hahaha. Truth is, I think in a decade, by the time I'm 30 (yeesh, perish the thought), I may have a job, a family and the whole shebang, but I'm pretty sure I STILL won't have life quite figured out.

You learn that when you're through.

**

ANYWAY. On to the selfish stuff. For any of you who are planning on getting me anything for my birthday, I only want two things.

1) CA$H (ANY amount will do. Kahit P100 lang!)
2) A video game console (PS3? Xbox 360?)

But preferrebly, number one.

Why? There are a number of reasons. But mainly because I'm saving up for the future. (Really, I am) Be it my life after college, my next visit to Phoenix (and the one after that), or just my expenditures everyday. My internship over the summer probably won't pay me so that's gonna hurt me even more. (Plus, G's gonna be here next week. I'll need some extra moola. Hehehe.)

Number two? I just need something to pass the time. Seriously. Hahaha.

**

Anyway, I'm really, really excited about next week. I think it's going to be the best birthday I'll ever have so far, even though I DO turn a new decade.

blog#161

2008-01-31T22:08:00.000+08:00

Run For It

When I was around five years old, I remember being in the car with my parents en route to somewhere. I was seated in the back and was staring outside the window, mesmerized at the array of shapes and figures that would whip on by. Colors, hues and tints, it was all very enthralling to the eyes of a small boy. An observant little prick, I noticed that the houses and people didn't quite whoosh by as fast as I thought they should, relating their movement to the probable speed of the car. Imagine that, a five-year old who had motion physics in mind. I scooted to the front and checked the speedometer over my dad's shoulder. Eighty kilometers per hour. In my mind suddenly arrived the seemingly obvious rationale: "80kph is slow because the trees and mountains and buildings move away from my line of sight from the window slowly too."

With this, I blurted out, breaking the otherwise looming silence, "I think I can run at 80kph!" I said this with the utmost confidence and sincerity, as if making a statement of fact. My mom looked at me with a mixture of disbelief and amusement. One of those ano-ba-naman-itong-batang-ito looks. "Oh? Talaga? That's really fast ah. Eighty?" "Yeah. Kaya ko yun. Kasing bilis ng kotseng ito." "Hahaha. Masyadong mabilis yun para sa'yo. No one can run that fast." And there it went, another moment of my childhood that went "ppppshhh......" Hahaha.

This memory is more than a dozen years old. When you really think about it, it isn't really much of anything. Not one of those moments worth remembering. This story would utterly bore my grandchildren in the future. There's no way they're hearing about this one. Haha. So why did I remember this useless tidbit from my youth? Why did I feel I had to write about it? I guess because it was one of the first experiences I've ever had of having my beliefs and principles challenged. It was probably the first time I used my logic as a human to be illogical and to stand by the virtue I concocted out of my irrationality. The thing is, we aren't human because we have the ability to be logical. That's not enough. We are human because we have the ability to be illogical. Only humans defy all common sense, sound judgment and coherence to stand by, to protect, to fight for what they believe in. It is simply illogical to starve yourself for days and days to prove a point and end a war. But we humans have done it. We believe in it. And the funny thing is, it actually works. Illogical thinking works.

Sure, I really couldn't run eighty kilometers per hour. But I was devastated that I wasn't allowed to believe that I could. I was thinking, "What's so wrong with believing in an impossibility?" Sure, I know it won't happen, but my illogical self says to believe in it. Because what the hell, I'm only human. The thing is, there are so many concepts in life that logic will say is stupid, is impossible, is lunacy. Heaven, God, the devil, love, death, life, altruism, all forms of illogic. Yet here we are, beating ourselves up and each other, forcing ourselves to believe that they're all true. Maybe they are. But they probably aren't. But that doesn't bother us one bit.

The moment I realized in that car that I could run 80, it didn't seem illogical. I was ready to get out of the car and race it at that point. As long as I believed I could and ran as fast as I could, 80 wasn't that far away.

blog#160

2008-01-26T13:14:00.000+08:00

Karma Coma

Talented NBA All-Star and eccentric (yet popular) blogger Gilbert Arenas developed a new way to look at his life day-to-day with the coming of the new year. He formulated a simple reflection exercise that one could do to determine how happy one is with his/her life. He urged people to look at each day that passes every night and figure out whether or not they were happy that day. If they were, they get to put a bar under the Happy Days column. If they weren't, they have to put a bar under the Sad Days column. Additonally, they must provide the reason why that day wasn't a happy one. At the end of each month, people are asked to tally the Happy and Sad days throughout the month. If one gets a 25-5 or 20-10 even, he/she is living a good life. 15-15's pretty good too. But once one goes below the .500 mark, he/she has to re-evaluate his/her life. Something must be wrong.

January, 2008. It's been 25 days. I'm on 10-15.

It may sound overly far-fetched and vaguely stupid, but hey, I've been following it and what I've come to learn from it is that January has been one sucky month. From the failing Finance long test score, to the rise of SO MANY personal issues with so many people I love and care about (details not disclosed), to getting sick for almost a week, to undergoing the most painful experience I've ever been through in my life (tell you about that later), things just don't seem to want to let up in January. I need 6 straight happy days before hitting the Reassessment Zone and trust me, an emo child growing up, you DO NOT want me to head back to the Reassessment Zone. They'd give me a hero's welcome back there, knight me, crown me, and eventually, once I figure out that the people around those parts aren't exactly "a happy bunch," tie/lock me up and force me to stay forever.

For all those who believe in karma, I may finally be getting mine right now. An entire pail of karma, slowly filling up through the years, reaching the brim, spilling drop by drop until suddenly, that cruel bitch Fate topples it over and pours it all over me. Flooding me, depriving me of breath, and strangely enough, killing my tooth.

If you really know me, the biggest insecurity I would probably have about my body is my teeth. Ah yes, years spent trying to correct the dental problems that equivalent one of those orcs in Lord of The Rings. I used to have absolutely terrible teeth. Canines jutting out from the side, molars displaced, baby teeth refusing to go away, some teeth even missing, etc. If there were a "Before and After" shot for a product that promises perfect teeth, I would have been perfect being "Before." Except I'd never really made it to "After." Hehe. Anyhoo, I guess some improvement has happened, mind you, and while I may not have pearly whites worthy of the Close-ups and the Sam Milby's, I'm no Efren Bata Reyes either. I'm confident enough to smile when cameras are flashing anyway.

Anyway, a couple of days ago, I had a root canal. My very first one. Yayy! Bring out the photo albums, this one's a keeper! To put it plainly, if pain were a city, root canals would be right along Main Street. Imagine having your tooth drilled down, then having your nerve ending butchered up, THEN getting a pus abscess inside (which looks like it can fill up an entire Yakult cup [and still make the Yakult look the same]) jimmied up and flushed out. Drill + nerve ending + infection draining = jay's face about to explode. I cried for two or three hours after the operation. I couldn't open my right eye because if I did, I'd feel this sharp tinge in my tooth. I couldn't stand it. It made me wonder if root canals could ever be used as effective torture devices in detainment camps. Haha. Because if there was any ANY ANY information I could provide just to make the pain stop, I would have caved in immediately. Haha.

Anyway, I'm still waiting on the results as to whether or not they will be able to drain all the pus or if the tooth will be stable enough after they drain everything. If they're not able to drain everything, or if the tooth is unstable, BAM! Extraction. Hayayay. Now if I could only learn how to play billiards....

Note: a brilliant upside I've noticed is that through these tough times I have resisted the urge to light one. Yes. It's been five months since my last stick and I'm feeling great. That, coupled with my diet and fitness regimen, has allowed me to lose seven pounds in three weeks. I really miss Persian cuisine though. One night last week, I couldn't contain myself. I felt like a pregnant woman (okay, poor metaphor). Despite strong rains and the violent urging of my parents to stay home and eat their flimsy, store-bought salads, I trekked all the way to Metrowalk and treated myself to Chello Kobideh Kebab with butter rice. Hmm, what do you know? A mini-preview of how things are going to be? No matter how hard they prodded me to stay home and no matter how illogical it seemed to brave the rain by myself and moreover, break my diet, I had to leave. I just had to. Nothing could stop me. And hey, I went home feeling really happy and fulfilled. Fast forward one and a half years later? Hehe.

Anyway, I'm just dishing out random thoughts here. I'm a bit scatter-brained. I'm trying to get myself back on the blogging track. Haha.

blog#159

2008-01-12T20:12:00.000+08:00

Season 20

Let's see, now where were we?

The first week and a half of this new year hasn't gone too well. It's actually made me rethink a lot of things. Big things. Important things. People always tell me that whatever problem you've got, there will always be someone out there whose problems are a lot bigger than yours. Hence, you shouldn't sweat it. "Put yourself in their shoes." People also always tell me to never compare myself to other people as that leads to discontent, resentment and jealousy. People tell me to follow my heart, to not listen to whatever anyone else says. People also tell me to plan out this and that based on certain things based on a specified guideline. Sometimes, I know people have their points. I know that they all mean well, but it's hard to point out what exactly is wanted of me in this life. It gets really confusing. You try your very best to do all you can, thinking you're doing the right thing, and turns out, you're not. You end up not wanting to do anything that has to do with anything at all. It's an exercise in futility. I like to make people happy. I do. I really do. But at some point, I kind of missed the point and started becoming crazy selfish. Yes, I am a selfish person. I know that. I've come to realize that. I've spent so much of my time trying to please other people and I've expected the same from these people. These expectations have proved to become insatiable, making me more and more selfish, forgetting WHY it was I wanted to help people in the first place. I guess the road to hell IS paved with good intentions. I missed it. I just missed the point of it. But no more. This week and a half has told me that while people have done me wrong, while people have had their way with me, I shouldn't forget who I am. I shouldn't be pointing fingers. I should do what I can to change what I can. Some lessons, you learn too late. You try to fix it and it's too late. You can't fix it the way you want to fix it. We need to realize that THAT'S OKAY. Some things aren't meant to be fixed. Some things you live with. Some things you accept. You be happy for. You learn to love. Now, I can't ever relive my childhood and repair everything Batman and I did to each other or fail to do to each other, but I'm fine with it. My feelings will never change. The way things are fine. If we all learn to accept them, there's nothing that need be wrong with them.

**

This year's a big one, as I have initially thought out. Lots of things need to be done. I've decided to try and go it on my own after I graduate. I need time to grow on my own. And I really believe that if I stay here, i'll end up in a rut and won't ever be able to do all the things I want to do. I'm thinking of moving out and pursuing graduate studies abroad, in the US, hopefully, in Boston.

There's SO much to do about it. An internship for better credentials. A part-time job for even better credentials. There's the GRE's. The essays. The applications. The recommendation letters. The visa. The interviews. BLAH BLAH BLAH! It's all so overwhelming.

As I read back the 1st paragraph, it got me thinking if it's worth going through the 2nd paragraph. Or if I'll ever get through the 2nd paragraph and reach this one at all. My oh my. It's going to be one hell of a year.

**

On a note though, regarding that "putting yourself in someone else's shoes thing." Some people have it a lot harder. Some people are farther away from each other. Some people have no means of communicating. Some people weep at the sad thought that there is no possible way for them to be with the people they care about. Some people go through so much more and still believe in what they've got.

I've got that. And I'm lucky I'm not some people. But if I were, that wouldn't change a thing.
We're only going to get busier. We're going to have less time on our hands. But that doesn't mean that has to change anything. That's something I should realize. Walk by faith and not by sight. And I am so grateful that I'm with someone so much stronger than I am, to keep me up. Thank you.

Si Will Turner nga eh, once every ten years niya lang nakikita si Elizabeth Swann diba? Hahaha.

**

I got this from some Quiz site. Nothing doing. I'm just a sucker for these things.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

blog#158

2007-12-12T22:31:00.000+08:00

Twenty-oh-no!

Here we go, time to sell-out. Every end of the year, most of the people I know glitter up their multiply's, blogs and such to express the things that they want for Christmas. While probably only a couple of people who read these blogs (if not NONE) will actually find that list useful and help cross something off that list, that doesn't stop them from making them anyway. This just goes to show the overwhelming, insatiable desire of all people. Yes, and I am one of them. Haha.

Okay, I decided to be kenkoy and express my Xmas list through song. Just so i can say I didn't ride the bandwagon entirely. Ahem.

J's Christmas Carol of Selfishness and Desire

Not the season to be stingy,
Tralalalala-lalalala!
Give me gifts and wrap them pretty,
Tralalalala-lalalala!
Laptop sleeves and notebook coolers,
CD-R king sells one for only 380.
Flash drive with 2 gigs of mem'ry,
Tralalalala-lalalala!
New shirts that will make me pretty,
Tralalalala-lalalala!
Some at Puma, maybe Nike,
Vintage looks, graphic tees, any that's Ted Mosby
Give me gifts and wrap them pretty,
Tralalalala-lalalala!
Tralalalala-lalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

*bow*

(btw, this is mostly for the person who got me in the Jacrew Kris Kringle)

Okay. Wasn't that fun?

For all you other people who are a little bit more.... generous, here's the rest of my list. Hehe.

1) A nice wallet
2) A nice watch that's stylish but has a light
3) External harddrive with at least 160gigs of memory
4) XBOX 360 repair - please get my Xbox out of the shop. It's been there since June. That place just sucks. It's taking tooooo looooong. Someone make them go faster and pay for it while you're at it. Or better yet, get me a new one. Hehe.
5) 4GB Flashdrive
6) Clothes from American Eagle
7) New jeans. I need a lot of new jeans.
8) A ticket to the States. Or a ticket from the States to here.
9) A new iPod

Yeah. That's pretty much it for now.

Okay. Next up, the new year's survey that I always do. Ahem ahem. Intro. Last year was one of the best years I've had in my life. I didn't think the next one could ever compare to it. But apparently, it got even better. This year was amazing. Absolutely amazing.

New Year's Survey

1. What things did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
-- for true. ;)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
-- nope. i failed to keep them. i was never a resolutions-kind of person but okay, i'll try again. i will:

1) lose weight and tone up by my birthday
2) expect less
3) be nicer to people
4) fix my family issues
5) work to get better credentials

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
-- dannielle did! inigo! haha.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
-- nope, i don't think so.

5. What countries did you visit?
-- india. USA.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
-- more time. for work. for play. for everything. i need more time. (i think it's just a matter of time management though. i suck at it.)

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
-- october 17-23. ;)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
-- final four in marketing. high QPIs. quit smoking. for true! ;)

9. What was your biggest failure?
-- i just wish i could fit in at home a lot better.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
-- nope. nothing too serious. just a cold, here and there.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
-- HP laptop!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
-- jacrew! for weathering through! haha.

13. Whose behaviour appalled you and made you depressed?
-- myself? haha. yeah. me in relation to other people.

14. Where did most of your money go?
-- food. clothes. food. gas. food.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
-- trip to the states.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
-- ayo tech! well, there are a lot, but that song tops the list.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? - happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? - thinner.
iii. richer or poorer? - richer. (aba, all positives ah!)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
-- study. haha.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
-- slack off.

20. How will you be welcoming the New Year?
-- the traditional way. here at home.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
-- love is war, i'm your soldier.

22. How many one-night stands?
-- none!

23. What was your favourite TV program?
-- how i met your mother!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
-- nope. no one.

25. What was the best book you read?
-- david sedaris.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
-- i was more into hiphop and rnb this year than alternative. but my love's still with alternative. but yeah, this year, certain hip hop songs.

27. What did you want and get?
-- for true. ;)

28. What did you want and not get?
-- more time. :(

29. Favorite film of this year?
-- gone, baby, gone.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
-- had a party, i was 19!

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
-- if G had come home for christmas.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
-- Ted Mosby. oh, and back to vintage/graphic tees.

33. What kept you sane?
-- daboise. G. tv shows. sleep. school. yes, school. haha.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
-- jessica alba. now, i wonder WHEN will i ever get sick of her? hmm.

35. Who is your real-person crush?
-- jessica alba is a real person! hahaha.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
-- trillanes? i don't know. it was the most recent. and i really thought GMA was considering martial law after the curfew stint.

37. Who did you miss?
-- G. Ate Pam. other friends abroad.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
-- Rambutans. hahaha.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007
-- patience is a virtue worth having.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
-- i'm tired of using technology!

41. Rate the year 2007 in a scale of 10.
-- 10. definitely. 11, if it were possible.

**

I never seem to feel Christmas spirit until it's too late and Christmas is already here or is already over. It's kinda sad. Going to Hawaii for Christmas. A Hawaiian Cruise. Wow. Good luck Christmas spirit over there. Hahahaha. Yeah. I really hope I resolve any/all issues I have with my family very soon. After all, It IS Christmas.

Happy Holidays everyone.

blog#157

2007-11-29T22:05:00.000+08:00

Diaspora

We're in a rut.

The other morning, one of my friends initiated a conversation about the future. She began to question the mystery of tomorrow. How we, as students, seem to have our own indiviudal chapters pre-written for us, years before publication. Would-be authors of future bestsellers, we garnish our stories with idealism, rainbows and stars, so sure that the books will end the way we want them to. The fact of the matter is, they don't. Strange is the book of life. No matter how hard you try to write it, it seems to end up writing you instead. That morning, during that rainy break from class, we talked about master's degrees and graduate schools and careers and universities and moving abroad. It was surreal to think that we were 19-20 year olds and we still didn't know much about life. What exactly is out there? What exactly should I do? It did seem like common ground, though, that the reality presented to us is far too small for our big dreams. We yearn for more. We are Jack, trading our cows of simplicity, cows of naivety, cows of identities for a little chance at "magic." The unknown. The wilderness. The point where the eye can no longer see. We all want to get there. We yearn to climb our beanstalks and face our giants, no matter how small we really are.

Then BOOM!

Trillanes and his boys start a ruckus.

There was simply too much mixed up emotion inside of me to warrant a concrete reaction. But basically, it seems that cow we're about to trade has gone amuck. Peeing on the side of the house, leaving crap everywhere, kicking you when you approach it, and basically being an ass of a cow. It's making it seems sooooo much easier to trade it away. Yes, the events of today made me reassess my thoughts on the direction this country is headed... and what I should do about it.

No matter what anybody says, there is still hope for the Philippines. This may be a wretched dump of a country, but hey, it's OUR wretched dump of a country and we'll be damned not to do a thing about it. We all complain how terrible this country is, how someone should do something about it. The problem is, those who have the power to deliberately choose not to. They trade their cows knowing that their magic beans will do them good. They all think, "Shit, no cow is worth this!"And in a sense, they are right. This cow does seem way too worthless to keep. but for some people though, this cow's all they know. And they'd rather stick it out and make the most of it since it's all they really have and since it's years before its prime. No matter what anybody says, there is still hope for the Philippines.

But is this hope enough to make one stay? Is there enough hope to spark the littlest form of nationalism in its citizens? Those who know better don't think so. But if they did know better, no offense, wouldn't they feed on that hope in the first place? Hayayay. Recent events have made me start to get annoyed with this country. The shim-sham traffic, the unbearable heat, the insane politics, the destructive pollution, the increasing poverty. It's kind of like sitting in a crowded room beside someone who is whistling WAY too loudly that it's annoying. What do you do? Do you tell that person to stop? Or do you sit somewhere else?

Personally, at this point in my life, I'm a confused Jack. I don't really know what to do with my cow. I don't really know what to think of those magic beans, so freely dangled in front of me. I'm worried of the repercussions of each decision I make. But at the same time, I'm thinking, should that really be my problem?

Selfish?

Maybe.

It's a lot to think about. And I'm thinking a lot. I'd better think quick though. That merchant's walking away and this cow's about to poop all over my shoe.

blog#156

2007-11-19T21:26:00.000+08:00

I'm Bringing Sexy Back

"I'm back, baby-doll!"

Months of hiatus later, I've finally decided to write once again. Feeling like a new-born child, I'm going to see if I can slowly get my groove back on (That sounded so lame. Hayayay). Even Michael Jordan's gonna be a bit rusty after a year on the injured list.

Anyway, it's been the most eventful couple of months of my entire life. If I just had it in me, I'd make an entire compendium of tales, twists, and thoughts regarding the traveling circus that is my life. Each stop, each show, different people come in to watch, to take in the experience. Some shows get more ecstatic cheers than a FIFA World Cup game, while some shows get louder boo's than a George Bush address. It all depends on circumstance and performance; factors I can control, and factors I leave up to the Big Guy.

It's funny though, this Circus' theme is Irony. The bearded lady doesn't have a beard. The lion tamer got eaten. The trapeze artist is afraid of heights. Yes. Life has been far too ironic not to consider the possibility of the universe conspiring against/for me. These past months, that stupid cliche that goes, "Everything in life happens for a reason!" has been the catch-phrase of existence. But in my Circus, we pay no attention to catchy lines and effective marketing strategies. We go for boring quotations that don't fit on signages and are such a hassle to read and have no recall whatsoever. In my Circus, the sign reads: "If you're truly honest with what you want out of life, for the most part, it gives it to you. Sometimes, in just really fucked-up ways. No refunds." I can see the streamer now. Haha.

J's list of ironies:

It's ironic that...

...La Salle lost the games we came to watch, only to win the finals thereafter.

...I hit a kid on the road, almost killing him on the time that I drove ever so carefully.

...I'd quit smoking on a turbulent time in my life.

...we ended up in the Final Four on a marketing proposal that looked far too dubious in the beginning.

...my QPI's so high on a semester I worked so poorly.

...certain friends would only become friends again if certain friends would only become friends again.

...I'm changing the way I view the immediate future I had set myself so eagerly on having.

...he and I don't fight anymore the moment I stopped caring so much.

...I (finally) get the girl of my dreams when she's 7500 miles away.

...things aren't going the way I planned them to.

**

Funny thing about ironies. It always happens when you think that something is it;but, upon further inspection, upon universal intervention, you find out that it's not it. It's something you never thought would be it, but is. It's like the universe sending out a quirky little telegram saying, "You have no idea." More often than not, ironies suck. They're like getting socks for your 7th birthday. But I believe that's just cuz we're far too narrow-minded and puny-brained to grasp the entire idea of an irony. Where irony ends, human nature is tested. How shall one react to ironies? One is caught completely off-guard, trapped in a cage with a Lion called Existence, ready to eat one up. What does one do? Through it all, one just takes out the whip, and puts on a good show and hopes one doens't get bitten.

**

Forgive this crappy entry. Consider this my warm-up entry. Hehehe.

blog#155

2007-09-09T19:42:00.000+08:00

The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

Ever since Chino introduced me to it back in highschool, I have always made it a point to watch DLSU-AdMU games live. The epic rivalry between these two schools makes moments like Game seven of the NBA finals, game tied with one minute remaining seem like three-hour Biology lectures by a monotonous sounding, turtle-speed talking professor with thick glasses. It's a real shame Sports Illustrated or ESPN doesn't cover La Salle-Ateneo games. It is, and this is without bias, one of the greatest spectacles in sports entertainment.

What I like best about these games is the identities forged and typcasted. For La Salle fans on that day from 4PM to around 6:30PM, in the spirit of FRIENDLY competition, they forget their friends, forget their classmates, forget their own mothers, put simply, everyone wearing blue is evil. The same goes for Ateneans. Green is nothing short of vile. Green is toxic. Green is slime. Green is vomit.

A clear cut example of this was my trip to the Araneta Coliseum from Shang. I parked in Shang for my own convenience, to avoid the rush of 10,000 people celebrating their asses off and 10,000 people ready to beat said celebrating asses down. Anyway, on the train, tempers were flaring. It was as if every one involved was selectively color blind, seeing only green and blue. Both sides pretending that the tension didn't really exist, innocently minding their own businesses. Yet, both sides failing miserably to do so. That one smidgen of "Tsss..." at the corner of every person's eye, though 99.99999% unnoticeable and 99.9999999999% ignorable still creates an atmosphere worthy of an all-out MRT rumble. Sides were taken and the battle would ensue soon enough. "Would the MRT train," I thought, "be too soon though?" I kept wondering what would happen if I looked at one of the blue-shirted dudes and told him with a smug face and a low (almost whispering), stern voice, "Beat Ateneo, Animo La Salle!" The next day's papers would read: "Atenistang balimbing, nag-amok sa MRT. Patay!"

At the Araneta Center, people flooded from all sides which must have, from above, looked like thousands of ants droning towards a really big, blue and yellow sugar muffin. We had struggled for tickets, pitting our wits and wallets against fellow fans who were obviously applying the supply-demand curve learned from Eco101 FAR TOO SERIOUSLY (P1200 for an Upper Box A ticket? This is madness! This is Blasphemy! No, this is La Salle-Ateneo!)! We decided NOT to pay such a hefty amount. We are made of green, not gold. So, we lined up at the box office to purchase SRO tickets like the honest, little stingy bastards we are. Saving P1100 in exchange for sweaty armpits and aching feet is the more practical use of Economics.

Saving seats for a La Salle-Ateneo game is holding the fort against an army of angas dudes ("Wala naman atang nakaupo diyan sa tabi niyo eh. Swapang niyo naman, tangina."), hot chicks (Um, hi, excuse me. Hihi. Are those seats taken?"), and a hodge-podge shroud of different people all wanting a suitable station to watch the massacre about to unfold. Luckily, with our manly manliness, we were able to withstand any advances (not that any actually happened or anything...) made by roaming seat hunters.

Now, the thing about a La Salle-Ateneo game is that universal Physics function at its optimum level. The theory of relativity comes into play. 10 seconds can seem like an eternity when the game is on the line. And four quarters seem like a moment when the game is done and over with. Momentum between teams shifts faster than J.V. Casio as the two sides would find themselves cheering with utmost confidence at one second, and sulking with sheer disdain the next. One shot, one steal, one block, one freethrow, one second, is all it takes for the shift to occur. Linear time is followed religously as the final 0.01 seconds became the difference between glory and defeat.

Hands down. It could have been the best basketball game I've ever seen my entire life. If only La Salle hadn't fallen short by two points, 89-87. It had everything. Emotion (I couldn't believe it. During half-time, security actually HAD TO restrain La Salle from entering the locker area since Ateneo was entering it first. They just CAN'T be on the same hallway together, can they?). Razzle-dazzle. Big leads. Exchanging of baskets. Clutch performances. All for the benefit of 20,000 lunatics, refusing to sit down for two and a half hours, screaming until their throats bled. I would've gone insane if they counted Maierhoffer's last shot*. I would've stood on my seat, looked back at the crowd and (dare I say it?) "pumped up the Animo." But, alas. Another loss. La Salle's 2nd in the season against "the" Ateneo. When the referees ruled Ateneo as the winners, my face was priceless. Jaw dropped, eyes beady, hands behind my head, feeling the truth of pain and frustration. I had completely forgotten that very moment where I presently go to school. I was heartbroken.

After the game, I was reduced to nothing but a walking conversation piece. On the way to the MRT, I counted around four different groups of people who, upon seeing me, spoke amongst themselves "Sino kaya nanalo sa Ateneo-La Salle? Tingnan mo siya o, Lasalista. Yung "L" niya kaya sa pisngi, ano ibig sabihin?" Frustration was at a high. Add to it the fact that my MRT card was rejected at the turnstyle and I had to line up, have it replaced and line up again at the turnstyle. Lines that were each almost as long as the Araneta box office line earlier in the day. Hay nako. Tomorrow, everyone at school will have this smug look except me. Oh well. I still have the faith and strength to say, "We'll get them next time."

Fyi, I still have the "L" written on my cheek. I haven't touched it. And it doesn't mean "Loser."

Hell no.

It means Love. It means Loyalty. It means La Salle.

*20+ seconds left, La Salle's up by one, 87-86. Off a JV Casio miss, Ateneo goes on the run. Escueta has the ball and weaves through traffic, driving it inside and drawing the D. He pops it out to A VERY WIDE open Chris Tiu who dials from long distance and connects with 17 seconds remaining.

JV handles the ball for La Salle. Dribbles right, passing through multiple screens. He drives left, lifts his dribble, fakes, spins, two seconds left, fires! MISSES! Rico Maierhoffer skies for the rebound and puts the ball back in the hole as time expires! Both sides are cheering. Both sides think they won. Everyone is confused. Who had won the game? The replay is reviewed. Apparently, Rico was still holding the ball in his hand, though already in the air, as time expired. The ball left his hand, clock was already at 0. The referree faces the crowd and waves off the basket. Game over.

blog#154

2007-08-05T18:02:00.000+08:00

Procrastinating

I have a big long test tomorrow. Haha. Screw It. I had this entire blog entry thought out about contentment with things etc. but I got too lazy to write it down. So I went and did surveys! Whee!

A to Z Survey

Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com

A - Available

I'm not really sure.

B - Best Friend

Not singled out to just one. I've got brothers.

C - Crush

Jessica Alba.

D - Dad's Name

Celso.

E - Easiest Person To Talk To

Daboise. G.

F - Favorite Band

Goo Goo Dolls!

G - Gummy Bears Or Worms

Bears.

H - Hometown

Mandaluyong.

I - Instrument

Guitar? Saxophone? I play badly in both.

J - Job

Student.

K - Kids

Yes, maybe in the future.

L - Longest Car Ride

12 hours.

M - Milk Flavor

Vanilla.

N - Number Of Siblings

Three.

O - One Wish

I wish I could dunk the basketball.

P - Phobias

Cockroaches.

Q - Favorite Quote

A witty saying proves nothing. -- Voltaire

R - Reason To Smile

Two long weekends this month!

S - Song You Last Heard

Incubus - Diamonds and Coal

T - Time You Woke Up

8am.

U - Unknown Fact About Me

I like watching the Tyra Banks show.

V - Vegetable

any except Okra, Ampalaya and Eggplant.

W - Worst Habits

Procrastinating.

X - X-Rays You've Had

Stomach. Hand. Chest.

Y - Your Favorite Food

Japanese. Italian. Tapa King.

Z - Zodiac Sign

Pisces.

Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com

All About Me Survey

Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com

I Am

I exist.

I Want

to write professionally.

I Have

enough pages in my blog to write an autobiography.

I Wish

you were here.

I Hate

mornings.

I Fear

fast-running, never-tiring zombies!

I Hear

Incubus songs in the background.

I Search

incessantly for meaning. Like a normal person should.

I Wonder

"" is something I seem to do far too often.

I Regret

choosing Comtech as a course.

I Love

sleep.

I Ache

to do everything I want to do!

I Always

sleep.

I Usually

don't do the things I set out to do.

I Am Not

going to let doubt get in the way. Gung-ho!

I Dance

when no one is watching.

I Sing

a lot and I wish I could be better at it.

I Never

eat baby-back ribs. Well, never HAVE.

I Rarely

think of the consequences of my actions.

I Cry

very seldomly. But when I do, Niagara falls! Haha.

I Am Not Always

sure if I'm doing what I'm supposed to. Most times, I find out too late that I'm not supposed to.

I Lose

games in basketball ALL the time.

I'm Confused

[period]

I Need

to know!

I Should

probably go back to studying. Something I barely ever do these days.

Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com

Perfect Partner Survey

Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com

How tall should they be?

Tall. But shorter than I am.

What should they weigh?

As long as she's lighter than I am.

What hair color should they have?

Black or brown?

What kind of personality should they have?

You can't fill this up in just one bar!

Older or younger?

Same age or older.

Serious or carefree?

In the middle leaning into carefree.

Spontainous or hesitant?

Spontaneous.

Brutally honest or tight-lipped?

Brutally honest.

Beautiful or intelligent?

Intelligent.

Movie or a restuarnt?

Restaurant.

What film actor should they most be like?

Jessica Alba? Hehehe.

What singer should they most be like?

Katharine McPhee? Hehehe.

Should they make all the money?

No.

Do they need to cook?

Preferrebly?

What is their best body part?

Eyes. Lips.

What body part do you not care about?

Love handles. I'd actually welcome love handles.

Desk job or physical labour?

Whichever.

What car should they drive?

Whichever.

What one thing completely turns you off?

Fickle-mindedness/Inconsistency. Blech!

What one thing completely turns you on?

How she talks.

Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com

blog#153

2007-07-27T00:45:00.000+08:00

Cathexis

*sigh emoticon*

Wishful Thinking

Listen to the waves,
Everything communicates.
Will it ever be
Anything more than wishful thinking?

Oh no, there you go,
Looked away and missed the show.
How much wasted time?
Will you survive?

Feel the blades of grass,
How it brings you back.
It will always be
Only as green as you can see.

Oh no, there you go,
Looked away and missed the show.
How much wasted time?
Will you survive?
Oh yeah, fooled again,
I don't know how and I don't know when.
Not much else to blame
But wishful thinking.

Little breakdowns
In coastal towns.
They come suddenly,
Crashing over you.
They come easily.
I'm falling through the skies,
And frozen places

Oh no. there you go
Looked away and missed the show.
How much wasted time?
Will you survive?
Oh yeah, fooled again,
I don't know how and I don't know when.
Not much else to blame
But wishful thinking.

And I try to realize
That I needn't look any further,
The whole of the universe
Is plain to see.
And I try not to rely
On another world or the future.
The whole of the universe is a mystery.

And it gets me over
Yeah, it gets me over
and it gets me over
Yeah, it gets me over

**
Stolen from Mona's Writings:

Have you ever started thinking or singing a song in your head and suddenly you hear that same song play on the radio or you hear someone else sing it? How does that make you feel? Now, imagine that song is a person. You think about somebody, you dream about somebody, and suddenly, one day, you meet that person. It's perfect. But how often does something like that happen? It never happens, does it? Because life always presents us with a twisted sense of perfection. You don't love someone because he/she is perfect, he/she is perfect because you love him/her.

I say:

What is perfect, anyway? We, as imperfect beings must not have a full grasp of what perfection is. We have an idea of it, but as such, is intangible. If we were able to grasp such a concept, that concept wouldn't be perfect at all.

But that's just me.

Mona's going to kill me.

Okay, let's take into consideration that the term "perfect" is used in the context away from its usual definition. Perfect is as perfect as can be. A person isn't loved because he/she is as perfect as can be, he/she is perfect as can be because he/she is loved. Is there any truth to that?

Hello, cathexis! Once you are willing to go beyond what you see (see what you don't want to see, rather than merely seeing what you want to see), once you know what you see and accept what you see, and once self-gratification is no longer the issue (when it's no longer JUST "how he/she makes me feel") your attraction, your involvement, your committment is justified and fulfilled.

Something to ponder about.

**

Anyway, I just came home from a La Salle - Ateneo game. It was a classic. Being a 3rd year student at Ateneo, I thought that maybe somehow, those passionate emotions expressed years ago for the Green Side may have faded, but as soon as i heard the "Dugudum... Dugudum Dugudum!" of the drums, everything just seemed all too familiar. Yes, after two years of hiatus, three years in Ateneo, green blood still flows through these veins.

80-77, OT. Great battle. Ateneo, my Alma Mater, we'll get you in round two. ;)

blog#152

2007-07-08T12:56:00.000+08:00

The Pursuit of...?

I woke up yesterday with one of the best moods ever. It was as if that good ol' Christmas Spirit suddenly had a major malfunction with its calendar and ended up sprinkling good ol' Christmas Cheer on me as soon as I had gotten up. It was like being seven years old and waking up to Christmas Morning. Maybe it was the psychological mindset that told me "Hey! It's 7/7/7! This day will not happen for another 100 years at least! Celebrate it! It's going to be awesome!" Maybe it was because so many good things have been happening to me and to people around me that it just hit me how wonderfully surreal things have been (despite the evil, looming cliche 'what comes up, must come down,' as indicated in my previous entry). Anyway, whatever it was, I woke up and started the day on a high and went about the rest of the day with that same attitude.

Somewhere down the middle, I thought, "Why don't days like this happen as often as they should?" When you think about it, when you REALLY think about it, nothing too special happened yesterday (Well, except for the fact that it was one of my bestfriends' birthday). I thought, "Wouldn't it be amazing if I could wake up this way every single day?" There's a very small possibility that COULD happen. It's all about perspective. Happiness isn't just about the externalities and outside factors that affect you, happiness also has to stem from within. Those external factors, those things, places, people, events, there will always be some of them out there. There will always still be some clear water under the oil-drowned surface of an oil-spilled body of water. But if, like a stubborn little brat is to a clown desperately trying to make him/her laugh, we DO NOT let these things inside of us, happiness will never come. We have to allow ourselves to be happy. We have to think happy before we feel happy.

We work so damn hard just to be happy. We do so many things, we hurt, we suffer, we cry just to become happy. Yes, while that is noble, and while that is what life is all about (its essence, if you will), we shouldn't forget that some forms of happiness aren't that hard to obtain. We shouldn't forget that while happiness is the ultimate goal in our lives, it, in itself, is the means to get there. We should be happy while looking for that which makes us happy. Yesterday, all I did was wake up and I was happy. Wouldn't it be great if that was there is to it? You sleep, you wake up, you're happy.

The mood's over now. Everything's back to normal. Santa Clause must be kicking the Christmas Spirit's behind for doing what it did yesterday. The Live Earth concerts (check them out on MSN) are probably over by now. I feel fine. I feel normal. But most of all, I feel happy that I felt as happy as I did yesterday.

blog#151

2007-06-26T21:09:00.000+08:00

Parallel Synchronized Randomness

June '07 has been a memorable one. It's been great.

Congratulations to my sister for getting married for the second time (Pictures in my multiply). Seven Months In Sunny June.
The Rise of TAJ (TJ, Andrew, Jay-Ar).
Start of a new school year.
Faux True.
Daboise Basketball tour.
Family Dinners and Trips.
Doing Manila with TAJ.

It's been crazy.

I'm a lot fatter. I have no more money in my wallet. School stuff's beginning to pile up. In other words, life's good. Life's normal. And this is exactly why I'm beginning to get worried. I'm a firm believer in balance in the universe. Call it faith, call it physics, sooner or later, things will balance out. The complicated algorithms of an existence so vast and unexplainable compute non-stop to produce the lives that we live. In other words, God's up there. And of course, He's not one to sugar-coat what we go through. Nope. We're not getting syrup, chocolate chips, or sprinkles. Not all the time anyway. Eat too much, you get diabetes. Eat too little, then you're just one sad, little person. I find it quite annoying that I'm too busy worrying that I'm slowly finishing my sweet treat - worrying that in a few licks it'll all be gone - that I'm not even enjoying it to the fullest anymore. Where is the spontaneous, Jack Sparrow of a character I esteem myself to be? Lately, I've been looking too much at my feet, carefully following my steps. I can't even look up to see what a beautiful view I've got around me.

Remedy: get over myself. Just do what you got to do and live where you are.

**

All right. Say you've fallen into a pit. It's dark, you're alone and there's no one around to hear you scream. You can't see around you. You start to get afraid. But it's all right, you're still holding up pretty well. Then, you start noticing the fact that you ARE afraid. You start thinking to yourself, "Oh shit, this is scary." Because of this, you get even more afraid. You scream and panic. And because you realize you're screaming and panicking, you become even more terrified. This is called an Emotional Feedback Loop. It works both ways. You feel happy. You think about the fact that you're happy. You smile. You become happier. You notice that you've made yourself even happier, which, in turn, makes you even happier. It's all just a matter of putting yourself in a much higher perspective (or, in a negative situation's case, a lower one).

I think that using this psychological concept to one's (positive) advantage is a great way of looking at life. I've been an advocate of this for as long as I remember. The only problem with my practice of it is that I apply it to negative situations as well. Hence, when I feel pathetic and weak, I realize how much I've made myself so pathetic and weak, and become even pathetic-er and weaker. Right now, I'm trying my very best not to apply it to my forward-looking, present-ignoring self. But, writing this blog-entry, I think I might be too late. Hahahaha.

**

Out of Words. Gone to the market to haggle for some cheap ones.

blog#150

2007-06-04T22:06:00.000+08:00

Tagged

I've been tagged by Jana.

These are the Rules:

1.Each player of this game starts with 6 weird/random unknown things about him/herself. 2.People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 things as well as state the rule clearly.
3. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names.

P.S. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. I cool my pillows by the AC before I sleep. (oh, and I wear eye shades.)
2. I love playing make-believe. Like a little kid. I think of elaborate, imaginitive situations all the time.
3. I'm afraid of fast-moving, man-eating zombies. (Like in Dawn of the Dead)
4. I wear a white undershirt everyday.
5. I sing random lines from random songs that just pop into my head at random times during the day. (copied from Jana's! Haha. Same here! Most especially when I'm in the car.)
6. I love to drive. Don't let me drive M/T (or any fast car for that matter). I go crazy!

6 people :
Doyti, Jau, Joel (Three people na lang!)

**

Wow. I can't believe this is my 3rd annual post of this already. Time sure does fly fast. I checked the past two and most of the things I've written about people were so obvious and utterly emo. What a shame. Hmm, maybe I'll make everything this year into lyrics?

Here's how it goes. Write 10 things about 10 people. It can be anything, a description, a secret, a confession, lyrics or an address. You cannot, under any circumstances, say to whom the messages are addressed to.

1) Much has been said. Why'd it have to be harder than it had to be? Don't you throw blame. You were part of this. Much has been said. Will I never learn? Keeping my fingers crossed, praying for my luck to return. But I can't complain, I'm living it easy, job's keeping be busy, I'm going crazy! - Much Has Been Said, Bamboo

2) You're an exception to the rule. You're a bonafide rarity. You're all I ever wanted. Southern girl, could you want me? - Southern Girl, Incubus

You do something to me that I can't explain. So would I be out of line if I said I miss you? - I Miss You, Incubus

3) First time it's shame on you, second time it's shame on me. Look, I ain't playing you, you sure ain't gon' be playing me. I've got this icebox where my heart used to be. - Icebox (remix), Omarion

4) You were better to me than I was to myself. - How Sweet It Is, James Taylor

5) But remember this, every other kiss that you'll ever give as long as we both live, when you need the hand of another man, one you really can surrender with, I will wait for you. Like I always do. There's something there that can't compare with any other. - Kissing a Fool, Buble

6) I spend so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong and I grew strong, I learned how to get along. - I Will Survive, Cake (Yes, specifically the Cake version)

7) Call on your main man, what can he do for you? Hang out with stupid so you can tell him what to do. Major this is your day. Living alone in a jar never gets you very far. - Sgt. Major, Jet

8) Orange is young, full of daring, but it's very unsteady for the first go round. And all these emotions of mine keep holding me from giving my life to a rainbow like you. - Bold As Love, Jimi Hendrix/John Mayer

9) Nineteen is not the age of reason. I didn't have a reason for setting you free. I was only nineteen. - Nineteen, Old 97's

10) How many special people change? How many lives are living strange? Where were you while we were getting high? Someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide, in a champagne supernova in the sky. - Champagne Supernova, Oasis

**

Whew. Effort.

blog#149

2007-05-24T00:50:00.000+08:00

Rambling

Two more days until my pseudo-summer begins. If you can recall, I made a list a few entries back about all the things I needed to achieve during summer. So far, in that list, I have done... none. So I have an entire summer's worth of activities crammed in two weeks. I'm hoping that somehow, I'll be able to achieve most of what I set out to accomplish. To me, the mark that I've fulfilled my goals is if I've redone my room. I'm starting on it this weekend. I promise. Also, I'm going to watch all the shows that people have buzzed on about for the past months. I've been too stuck on How I Met Your Mother (Which I still recommend to EVERYONE) and The Office that I haven't explored other shows (Plus the fact that Heroes has reached all time highs on the "cool" factor). What's so great about Heroes? What's so captivating about Grey's Anatomy? I shall soon find out.

I'm really excited about June. After a year and half, For True (Well, at least tentatively) is coming up. Depending on Daboise's situations in about a couple of weeks, we'll finally determine whether or not to push through with it. I hope and I pray it does push through (And I hope the For True Fourteen is complete). I still think the entire concept is so awesome. Also, on the 16th of June, my sister Pam is getting married (Again). It's going to be a big wedding as opposed to the relatively small (And relatively romantic) one on the boat in San Fo back in December. My sister's got to be one of the luckiest brides ever. Two weddings, two dresses, two sets of wedding pictures, two anniversaries! They'll be at liberty to say something like, "Honey, I forgot to get you anything for our anniversay." "That's alright, there's always our 2nd anniversary." Haha.

I haven't been studying for any of my exams or any of my lessons for that matter the entire summer. Bulakbol. I really don't mind. I'm past the point where I feel I have to prove anything to anyone. I'm having fun and the summer's been great, despite having to go to school everyday. And besides, it's not yet over. I've got two more weeks of immortality starting Saturday.

Zara (my labrador) got sick the other day. I don't think I've been taking care of her like I promised I would. She's okay now and I was able to spend a lot of time with her a while ago. I'm going to hire a dog trainer soon and hopefully, we can turn all that raw energy into something more, umm, subdued yet productive. Haha.

I'm getting more and more self-conscious about my weight and I hate the fact that I am. I mean, as a normal person with streaks of vanity and insecurity every now and then, it HAS bothered me before, but I've never let it get to me as much as I have now. And I hate that I am. I'm NOT fat. I'm really not. But my shirts are getting a bit tighter and my front side is protruding a little more. Haha. I know, I shouldn't bitch about something like this. Whatever. Sorry.

Oh hey, there's this song that I've been listening to for the past week. Has it ever happened to you that there's this song in your iPod that's been there forever but you've listened to it probably just once or twice? And whenever it starts to play, you immediately press the Next button? But then, one day, you decide, "Hey, let's listen to this song," and you instantaneously fall in love with it? Haha. Well, that's what happened with me and Overrated by Gavin DeGraw. Download it now!

Nuts. My nose is so itchy. You know what that means! Ahihi.

blog#148

2007-05-20T02:09:00.000+08:00

Fearless

Calvin sure got it right.

There are certain things that WE KNOW will end up as indistinguishable stumps. We all know that it's inevitable. These shiny, pointy crayons will become too dirty and out-of-use after a certain time. But that doesn't mean that we guard them with our lives, protecting the concept of near-perfection and safety that we, as humans, are so accustomed to. Because even though, one day, the crayons we use become dulled up and crappy, it will be refreshing and fulfilling to know that we used them to gleefully color the drawings that fill us up. The ugly mounded pieces of wax will leave their mark through the colorful masterpieces they create.

Ted Mosby said, "Here's the thing about mistakes. Sometimes, even though you know it's a mistake, you still have to make it." I'm all about mistakes. I've made a bunch of them. Even went down the slide again a couple times more with a few of them. And I'm not going to stop making mistakes. But that's okay, I'd gladly take them all. ;p

**

I can't wait for this week to end. I'm finally going to do all the things that I said I would during the start of the summer. Woo!

blog#147

2007-05-13T00:50:00.000+08:00

I Don't Feel Too Well

4/8/07 Around 4:30 AM, Somewhere between India and Singapore

It's utterly surreal how perspective changes everything. Here I am, 38000 feet above the ground, I look outside my window and see a vast spectacle of celestial spheres that are actually parallel to me. I needn't strain my neck and gaze up (as I would if I were on Earth), all I have to do is look outside to see countless stars, so close that I could just open up my window and pick them off with my fingers. Shooting stars from the ground dart across the sky, but up here, they actually look like they're falling. They fall so magnificently. Maybe they're shooting stars from the ground but are falling stars when you're up here.

And yet, the harsh reality suddenly strikes me. The stars outside my window aren't close enough to pick off with my fingers. For what is 38000 feet to the reality of millions of lightyears? What I consider as close is not as close as others may think. What I perceive as real is, to others, just as fantasy as the fairy tales I seem to try ever so hard to base my life on.

**

Big Guy, help me on this one. Please.

Sigh.

Ah, screw it. I promised myself not to get bothered by such trivial things and it's high time I begin keeping my promises. Let's talk about something else.

**

PRESCHOOL

1. Ano ang sinasabi mo noong bata ka pa na gusto mong maging paglaki mo?
- Weirdly, I wanted to be a paleontologist. Dino-freak.

2. Ano ang isang bagay na na-enjoy mong gawin noon?
- Bully the other kids. Flirt with the chicks.

3. Bakit?
- I was a bully then. And, um, I was enrolled in St.Paul College Pasig for pre-school (all girls).

4. anong age ka pumasok sa school?
- 3 or4 if I can remember.

5. Sinong 'buddy' mo noon?
- Kim Austria. Where are you now? Carmela Tumala. Lance Reyes. These two, I, amazingly, still know now.

6. Anong pangyayayari ang hindi mo makalimutan?
- When Kim confronted my mother because I destroyed her costume for the play. "MRS. ABASTILLAS! Iyang anak ninyo! Sinira ang costume ko na pinaghirapan ng nanay ko! Pagsabihan niyo nga!" It was adorable. Kim was always a bit bitchy and maybe that's why I liked her so much then. It was cute.

7. Kilala mo pa mga teachers mo?
- I don't remember her.

8. Iyakin ka ba noon?
- Yeah, a bit.

GRADE SCHOOL :

10. Sinong principal nyo noon?
- Ms. Emma Encarnacion.

11. Anong paborito mong laro?
- Teks. Ice Ice Water. Basketball. We didn't have PSP's back then.

12. May club ka bang sinalihan?
- Young Inventors' Society. Basketball Club.

13. Maingay ka ba sa klase?
- Yes. I got Sad Slips all the time.

14. May kinakatakutan ka bang teacher noon?
- Not really. I was a bad-ass. But I was afraid of Sad Slips, so that nullifies my bad-ass-ness.

15. Bakit?
- Because my mom would get very angry with me.

16. Pano ka pumupunta sa school?
- Driver! I miss being driven around.

17. Marunong ka na bang mag-commute ng panahong ito?
- Not 'till highschool.

18. Paano ka mag-aral?
- What? I studied?

19. Mahilig ka bang kumain ng tusok-tusok?
- Yeah! And the two-peso siomai!

20. Responsible ka bang estudyante?
- Nope.

HIGH SCHOOL:

21. Saan ka nag-high school?
- La Salle Greenhills.

22. May-CAT ba kayo noon?
- Nope. Lack of testosterone = surplus of homosexuals?

25. Kumakain ka ba habang nasa klase?
- Every now and then.

26. Tamad ka bang pumasok?
- Sometimes. But I never had it in me (until college) to not go to school just because I felt like it.

27. Sinong principal nyo noon?
- Brother Belleza.

28. Kilala ka ba nya? Ano tawag nya sa'yo?
- Yup. Mr. Abastillas! Haha.

29. Paano?
- Through SACB I guess.

COLLEGE:

31. School mo?
- Ateneo de Manila

32. Meron ka bang org na sinalihan?
- Association of Communications Technology Mgt. Kythe. AMA

33. Naniniwala ka ba na pag college ka na, matatagpuan mo ang true love mo at hindi sa highschool?
- No, not really.

34. Pano gumalaw ang mga tao sa eskwelahan mo?
- Everyone's got their own thing.

35. Sosyal ka ba?
- I'm told so.

**

Two Names You Go By:
1. Jay
2. J (Do those count as different? Fine, make #2 "Jay-Ar")

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Bohol Shirt.
2. Shorts.

Two Things You Want in a Relationship:
1. Understanding.
2. Trust.

Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
1. Write.
2. Travel and Eat. (It's a tie!)

Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. See preceding article.
2. A Vacation.

Two pets you had/have:
1. Black Labrador.
2. Belgian Shepherd/Mongrel.

Two things you did last night:
1. Went to Greg's brother's book launch.
2. Went to Greg's brother's gig. (two different brothers)

Two things you ate today:
1. Chinese food.
2. Chicken curry.

Two people you Last Talked To:
1. Andre.
2. Jorel.

Two Things You are going to do tomorrow:
1. Go to mass.
2. Finish everything I need to finish.

Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Christmas.
2. My birthday? Haha.

Two favorite beverages:
1. Iced Tea.
2. Mama's Favorite from Bubba Gump's.

Two favorite TV shows:
1. How I Met Your Mother
2. The Office

Two favorite food:
1. Japanese food.
2. Thai/Italian food. (It's a tie!)

Two of your least favorite things to do:
1. "Intensifying" (Why keep doing it, then?)
2. Math.

Two things you want to do before you die:
1. Save the world.
2. See the Aurora Borealis

**

Oh Oh Oh! Funny thing happened about this blog. During Greg's little brother's book launch, I told Mon and Andre that if (in the off-chance [knock on wood]) I die any time soon, they'd compile the blog entries I've written and publish it. So I'm set! Hahahaha. Mon said he would want to take care of the title though. Hmmm. I wonder what he'll come up with.

Anyway. It's a busy/big weekend. Let's get through it!

blog#146

2007-04-13T23:07:00.000+08:00

Beautiful Thought

A legend is told about the origin of a certain mountain in Asia:

Once, there was a young king who lived in a magnificent kingdom with his queen. He was a very amiable and magnanimous leader. His queen, on the other hand, was pompous and demanding. Nonetheless, the king loved her very much. One day, the king asked his queen what she wanted as a gift. He told her that she could have anything her heart desired. After much deliberation, the queen said, "My king, I want a mountain to be beside our palace! It would make our kingdom much more majestic! Also, the sight of the sun rising over the mountain each morning shall give me endless joy." Without hesitation, the king set out, bringing with him 10,000 of his finest men, 1,000 of his finest steeds, and 500 of his strongest elephants.

What seemed like a journey of conquest was actually a journey of devotion. The king's idea was to travel to the largest mountain in the land and use his forces to puch it back to the palace for the queen. And so, upon arriving at the site of the mountain, the king wasted no time in assembling all his men, his horses and his elephants to push the mountain back to the kingdom.

Meanwhile, back at the palace, the queen had plotted this from the beginning. Knowing such a feat would be near impossible, she figured the king would be gone a long time and so, expressing her hidden aggenda, she began to seduce the king's brother and ended up committing adultery all the time the king was away. Also, she began ordering around the king's subjects, amassing more and more of her desires and wants selfishly.

Back at the mountain, the king and his men were having a very difficult time making the mountain move. But soon enough, with much desperation and effort, they were successful, inch by inch. Entire months were spent to push the peak single inches. Soon, the king's men began to die off, one by one, due to lack of resources or of extreme exhaustion. Years went by and the number of men and creatures the king had to help him push decreased, while the queen, who was the sole reason of such, continued her infidelities and her atrocities.

After a very long time, the king was the only one left to push. Everyone else had died. The only thing that kept him alive and gave him strength to continue pushing the entire mountain himself was the thought that his queen would be happy upon seeing the sun rise over it. Each day and each night, he pushed, unwavering and strong. The mountain is now situated some thousand miles off the Tibetan mountain range, a lone mountain, somehow strangely similar to the formation of the former. Some say that the king is still pushing the mountain now, and each decade, the mountain can be seen a few inches from its original spot. One beautiful thought gave one man the power to move mountains.

**

We take things as they come and improvise if it ends up not exactly how we pictured it. And that happens a lot. It's human nature. We never end up where we though we would. All these things that we want, most times, they just never come. You close your eyes and have a perfect vision of it, so lucid that you can almost taste it. It's so much more difficult when it's something you really want; want more than anything, and it just doesn't happen. Only a few things in this world are more painful. It's hard when a thing of this magnitude is taken away from you. Something that gives you hope, makes you strong, keeps you alive. You fight so hard for this ideal because you believe it will make you happy. You believe that this will be worth it. You believe that soon, everything will fall into place, that someday, you'll look back at everything you've been through and have nothing else but a smile on your face, and softness in your heart. Such a thought is noble. Such a thought is beautiful. And quite frankly, that's what this has always been. That's what this is, and that's what it'll remain. The dream I awake from. The life I'm not living. A world I wish I were in. You'll always be my beautiful thought.

(By the way, the legend isn't real. Haha.)

blog#145

2007-04-10T09:43:00.000+08:00

Homesick

For the one week that we were away in India, I swear I have never been that homesick my entire life. Truth be told, I don't think I'd wanna go back there. I mean, it IS an interesting place. But besides the fact that it's interesting and that it's a "whole new experience", there's really nothing to it. Quite frankly, I didn't like the place. To add to it, I'm really, really sick right now. I've got a fever, LBM, a nasty cold and recurring migranes. We went to India with my sister having a cold and since I was in such a close proximity to her the entire trip, I caught her cold and for some reason, mine got worse and worse. The LBM? Food poisoning maybe? Which would increase the likelihood of fever. Thus... Here I am, half dead. Haha. Last night, coming from my friend's place, I had to have my friend drive me and my car home and have him picked up at my place since I was too weak and sick to drive or walk (or stand for that matter). I hate being sick.

Anyway, the main point of this entry is of India. So I'm going to share to you some of the highlights of our India trip:

a) The Heat - The unforgiving sun can cause a great deal of discomfort and, in this case, piercing pain. Yup, at 43 degrees celsius, you'll do well to bring bottles of gatorade, sunblock, and, if you're filthy rich, a portable air-conditioner. The heat in India was simply unbearable. (It's almost like a hot day in Ateneo. Hahaha.)

b) Bakals - You know how in the Philippines, we have stray cats and stray dogs? Well, in India, they have stray cows! Yes, you heard it, cows. Bakals. Bakang Kalye. Get it? There are hundreds of them. I mean they're just everywhere! They're in the middle of the road, laying on the islands, walking the sidewalks, joining in human conversations, and generally just chilling. They are the epitome of "chill." No rush, no hassle, just living life. Hahaha. And get this, they're actually protected by Indian constitution. If you kill a man, you can get a maximum sentence of 14 years. If you kill a cow, you can get a maximum sentence of 20 years! Imagine that. So nope, no Quarter Pounders in their Mickey D's.

c) Indian Food - I'm a big fan of spicy food. I mean a BIG fan. But Indian food? Different story. Unless you're eating at a Five Star restaurant, you'll do well to just eat the can of Spam you packed for the trip. We had authentic Indian food at this fancy tancy restaurant care of my dad's friend the Ambassador, Mr. Gauri Gupta. The food was amazing! Spicy food galore. None of my other family members enjoyed the food. I did. A LOT. But of course, sadly, the universe dictates a law of balance and order. Besides that meal, Indian food (or at least absolutely everywhere else we ate - hotels, rest stop restaurants, mickey d's, airport restaurants, etc.) gives a a whole new definition to the term "Pang laman tiyan lang." Yes, you eat the food just so that your stomach doesn't eat itself up. You eat the food to get full, not to enjoy the taste, not to enjoy the dining experience. (Ooh ooh. They have this yogurt that tastes disgusting. Parang basang kilikili. And they actually enjoy it.) Oh, and everything EVERYTHING tastes like curry. For some reason, even their Coke tastes like curry. Anyway, I have this theory that maybe my LBM came from a late (really late) negative reaction to some of the food we ate in India. But that's just me.

d) "5 star" Hotels - Since we knew that the standards of hotel accommodations would be a lot lower in India, we decided to book in 5-star hotels. Sure they weren't the Sheraton's or Hotel Intercontinental's, but we were assured that the hotels we were staying in had top-of-the-line accommodations. Sigh. Wishful thinking. The hotels we stayed in (in 5 nights, we stayed in 4 hotels) were.... Interesting. One was artsy-fartsy, trying a little too much to be post modernist. And a couple of them, were a bit too scary. Do you know those really, really big houses (or in this case, palaces) that have a lot of rooms that they convert into hotels? Yup. Those. With room keys that look like they're from the Victorian period. Hence, mumu-an was in order. I couldn't sleep in those hotels thinking that something (something) was keeping me up. Hahaha. Oh, and one thing these hotels had in common, they all had really, really, REALLY crappy breakfasts.

e) What's that smell? - I'm sorry to say. I'm not racist or anything, but seriously, a lot/most of the people we encountered in India do need a little lesson in hygiene. They adhere to the British influence of not taking a bath everyday. It would be a good thing if it was cold and unpolluted where India is, wouldn't it. But the heat, the pollution, the manual labor that prevails, that could really stink you up. To add to that, what they eat affects how they smell and since they're all into that curry and all that spicy food, well, maanghang din amoy nila. Try having a four hour trip from Agra to Jaipur with a driver who smells really funky. Wow.

f) Pee - Oh, one thing I HAVE to mention. We were in one of the palaces we visited (you see one palace, you've seen them all) And this guy just pulls his pants and undies down, I mean all of his pants and undies, and starts to pee on a wall right in front of everyone. For all the people and all the tourists to see. I know we, Filipinos, do that too, but we don't pull down our pants down to our ankles, do we?

g) Taj Mahal - ... and oh, we got to see the Taj Mahal...

h) Camel Ride - ... and ride on camels. I had no idea how HUGE camels were. I always thought they were as big as horses. But no! They're twice the size! I had to climb a ladder just to get on one.

Anyway. I hope I'm not forgetting anything. Hahaha. All in all, though it wasn't exactly as picture perfect a trip as one would think, it's still quite memorable, stink and all.

Pictures to come in my Multiply.

blog#144

2007-03-30T17:37:00.000+08:00

Said and Done

I haven't been blogging lately. It's either becase I'm simply far too busy to find the time to blog, or that I have nothing in particular to blog about anyway. I'm so happy that I finally found the time to.

Last night, my blockmates and I culminated and celebrated the semester (neigh, the SCHOOL YEAR) that was. It was pretty hard to imagine that a year of torment, broken hearts, and teachers with white, acid-washed jeans was finally over. Up until now, the idea had not exactly sunk in. I keep telling myself that "It's over! We've done it! It's summer! We're JUNIORS. We're getting old." It always seems so surreal each time I put it to mind. Nonetheless, last night was a blast. Magic sing, frisbee, conversations, the trunk of my car, shawarma at 4am, guitars, Pancake House at 10am, laughters and smiles all around. It was a blast. I don't want to get all emotional, but these guys have made the past 2-year ride all the more worthwhile. I guess one of the reasons why the end of this year is so big is because it'll be the last time we'll officially be together as a block. Next semester, we'll all enroll in different classes and start to see less and less of each other. After two years of college, we'll be exposed to the vast unknown yet again. We'll meet new people, hang out less, and go through certain things in school with different people or by ourselves. I guess it goes both ways. Both good and bad. But for now, imagining it is like imagining what OrSem would be like a few days before college officially started.

And I guess, besides that, plain out too much happened this school year. Scholastically, personally, socially, and all other aspects of our lives, they were really shaken up. We were that pebble placed in a can and shook up for hours on end. It's a big relief that all of that's over now. And yet, a sense of regret and longing looms over it all as we let go to such a big part of our college life and prepare to face another school year.

Imagine. We're midway through. In two years, the exact time it took for us to begin this journey, we'll be finished with it, and thrwon into the "Real world" without much choice. Time is faster than the speed of light. It's frightening at times. Sometimes, you just want to stop it, take a deep breath, and just suck it all in. Take it in. Make sure you're still leveled. And THAT's exactly what summer's all about. Summer is short-lived immortality. And for some reason, the required six units I have for school this summer doesn't really matter. I'm working around it and I WILL have fun this summer.

In light of this, these are some of the things I promised myself to accomplish this summer:

1) exercise everyday
2) either join Rep, take a dance class, or take singing lessons
3) take 100 nice SLR camera photos
4) overhaul and fix my room, possibly re-design it
5) paint two nice paintings, or one huge mural
6) read at 3-5 novels
7) train Zara to be a housedog
8) try and get that columnist job at Summit

Wow. I'm going to have a busy summer.

Anyway.

This morning, in Pancake House, we were all about to leave. To end it, Carlos, one of my blockmates, said out loud to the group, "Guys, let's call it a day." Haha. Being the cheesy little prick that I am, I followed it up and said, "No. Let's call it a school year." It may have been cheesier than the cheesiest, but it was a good way to end it. There was nothing left to do but look back at what we've accomplished, and just call it as it is. The 2nd year of our college life. Immortalized in our hippocampus [naks], it will stay and serve as one of those things that make good conversation pieces, or those things that you stare at the distance and smile about.

blog#143

2007-03-05T19:01:00.000+08:00

Isn't It A Wonder

It's random blog-entry day!

**

I haven't written a poem in months. I must admit I don't know if I'm any good anymore.

The Silver Man's Identity Crisis

The world flicked up between two fingers,
as it spins indefinitely,
tearing air then punching ground.
The man on one side,
calm and steady,
shimmering as silver tries the gold.
He looks to the skies,
Hoping,
or kisses the dirt,
Praying,
trying ever so
Desperately
To see
The other side of the world.

**

I just have to share that Hammer Night was a success. I have never been that wasted in my entire life. It was a good feeling. Weird feeling.

Key sentences: (Speakers not disclosed)

"Oh, Is [toot] still coming? Maybe we should like, call [toot]?"
"Get me a fucking plastic bag, you fucking bitch."
"Yeah dude, it doesn't matter. She can have my car if she wants it."
" NINE! How many? NINE!"
"Dude, where's [toot]? I think I wanna make out with her."
"You guys better fucking clean me up!"
"*Gremlin Laugh*"
"Dude, I'm not like you. I... have self-control."

**

My morality seems to be taking a hit as of late. As time progresses, I seem to be doing more and more things that get me farther and farther away from God (Exhibit A: Hammer Night). I don't even get to pray at night the way I used to anymore. No more usual after-school trips to Church. Heck, no more communion every Sunday. I always said that my faith would never falter. I still have conviction in that. But if you can't live out your faith, what's the point of saying you have it? Faith isn't lip service. I mean, I do try my best and help people, make people happy. But I'm limiting myself to people I know: my friends (mostly just my friends) and family. I should also be reaching out to people who really need it. Like the kids in my NSTP. God, I wish there were still NSTP every Saturday.

Excuse me, I have to go scourge myself now.

**

My birthday's in six days. I had the chance to do something great. To hold a Jollibee party for underprivileged kids. But I suddenly chose not to. It's not because my org said that it wasn't possible since there were safety issues etc. etc. at the hospital I planned to throw it in, it's not because rounding up the NSTP kids from Holy Spirit Elementary school would be quite burdensome, it was because I was too lazy and selfish to do any of it. If I wanted to, I mean, if I REALLY wanted to, I could've done it anyway, made special arrangements. But I didn't. I don't know why I chose to have the usual Triple D at my place (Dinner, Drinks and Dance) with friends and loved ones. It's going to be a lot of fun, I know. But it sort of hurts me knowing that I could've made something of my birthday for once.

Excuse me, I have to go put on my cilice.

(Self-pity behind me, if you can read this, then you're invited to my birthday thing at my place on March 10, 2007. Feel free to bring your friends. Hah! I'm so bipolar.)

**

I've sort of been a pretty good student as of late though. I mean, procrastination and sloth-ness aside, I think I'm doing pretty well considering the kind of effort I've been exerting.

**

Anyway, here's an emo thought. Ever had a day when nothing all that big happens but by the end of it you've forgotten who you are and what you're doing exactly? And then you suddenly feel so lonely? Well, lately, I've been having days like those. I don't know. Has routine and my mundane existence finally caught up with me? Weird. I think I need to do something absolutely new to keep me preoccupied.

**

Oh, and everybody, check THIS out.

**

Out of words.

**

That's it for now, I guess.

blog#142

2007-02-21T20:53:00.000+08:00

Change The World

An entire world's perspective, its identity and personality, can change with a single discovery. It's almost instantaneous. 1500 years ago, everyone believed and even Science knew that the world was flat. We had every reason to. It was a fact. Just as the way we think, presently, that space-time is curved. But the world isn't flat, is it? No really, is it? And is space-time curved? No really, is it? The fact of the matter is, we don't know anything for sure. Things change all the time. Do people?

It always seems so much harder for an individual to change than for a community to. The characteristics of an individual are less easily swayed by the so-called winds of change than that of a community's. A human's innate and personalized idealism always has this power to make him or her change. People are never satisfied with what they already have. It's human nature not to be satisfied. If you're completely satisfied, you're not human. Thus, everything always has to be so dynamic. If we are constantly changing then, why is it so hard each time? Why do we obsess over it so much? Do we even need to change?

I believe that the difficulty of change lies within letting go that which is to be changed, or the acceptance of that which has been changed. Batman told us that "it's what we do that defines us." Well, he's right. When people begin to change, they change what they do. Doing different things are difficult because the usual activities you're so gleefully used to feel like home. Changing requires courage to leave home, the discipline not to mess it up, and the responsibility to keep it up. And quite frankly, each of us go through so many things to muster up the audacity needed. We mistake bravery with insecurity and become obsessed with change. We say things like, "Magbabagong-buhay na ko." We drown ourselves in that innate idealism we so-long pursue. Henceforth, we become unhappy with who we are presently, turning that insatiable thirst for dynamics against us. We do change a lot. But most of this change comes naturally. If done with force, we would lose identity and end up not changing the way we're meant to or not changing at all. There are certain things we have to accept about ourselves despite the change we try so hard to instill. No one's as great as he/she thinks he/she is. We all have excess baggage. The question is, how much and which ones are you willing to carry?

Just go with it.

blog#141

2007-02-08T18:58:00.000+08:00

Penance

To err is human, to forgive, divine.

Alexander Pope must've had it easy.

There is an underlying irony between the exchange of apologies and forgiveness. To anyone who has experienced it, saying sorry is not that easy. Pride is a mean, ugly, furry thing that gets stuck in your throat and refuses to budge. Swallowing it is a task in itself. Especially when you know you're right. On the other hand, forgiving someone is not exactly peaches and cream either. It's sheathing your sword when your victim deserves to die. Forgiving someone takes a lot of tolerance and courage. Especially when you know you're right.

There are two kinds of people who say sorry. One of them is the kind that says sorry just so the other person would feel better. The feelings of the offended are of utmost importance. The other is the kind that says sorry because he/she is, in fact, really sorry for what he or she has done. It transcends the feeling of the offended (though still includes it). It's a personal, outright feeling of crappiness because of the offense which he/she has committed which has caused the ill nature of the offended. So when we say sorry, do we just say it to make the person feel better and not get upset at us? Or are we really sorry for what we’ve done? If you're the first kind, then you're really not getting the point. Sorry isn’t just a magical word to make the person feel better, you have to really mean it. You have to really feel sorry. Because if you don't, then don't say it. Just say something like, “Please feel better.”

As for forgiveness, let's just say that I, well at least in my own life, am finding it a lot harder to do than saying sorry. So I'm just going to quote a guy name Howard Martin:

In the long run, it's not a question of whether they deserve to be forgiven. You're not forgiving them for their sake. You're doing it for yourself. For your own health and well-being, forgiveness is simply the most energy-efficient option. It frees you from the incredibly toxic, debilitating drain of holding a grudge. Don't let these people live rent free in your head. If they hurt you before, why let them keep doing it year after year in your mind? It's not worth it but it takes heart effort to stop it. You can muster that heart power to forgive them as a way of looking out for yourself. It's one thing you can be totally selfish about.

Take it slowly. The deepest resentments are wrapped up in a lot of hurt and pain. We think we're protecting ourselves by not forgiving. Acknowledge that and go easy on yourself. Forgiveness means that you've decided not to let it keep festering inside even if it only comes up once in awhile. Forgiveness is a powerful yet challenging tool that will support and honor you, even in the most extreme circumstances.

As much as I'd like to disagree, the man’s right. Whenever you hold a grudge against someone, you're sort of linked to that person involuntarily. It's like this heavy tail that keeps following you around that holds you down every so often. The only way to chop that tail off is to forgive that person. It's a hard thing to do. Your enemy's on his knees, tied up and defenseless and you're given a broadsword. You look into that person's eyes. This person has caused you immeasurable amounts of suffering. You grip the sword tight. To add to this, your enemy is continually mocking you and giving you all the more reason to destroy him. Now, how hard is it, really, not to chop his head off? But as it should be, I'm dropping the sword.

blog#140

2007-02-04T08:57:00.000+08:00

Grown Down

My good friend Andre Suarez would always say, "Time waits for no man." He's always been right about that. In one way or another, we're all feeling it. We are getting older. It's a phenomenon that we, no matter how hard we try, cannot escape. I've always said that at the moment I start using the phrase, "Noong panahon namin.." it means that I am, regrettably, getting older (if not old). And once or twice, yes, I have caught myself using that reference. I don't know what it is but all of a sudden, I feel as if time is passing too quickly. Wasn't it just yesterday that our biggest problems amounted to breaking that vase in the kitchen and having to face the terror and anxiety of thinking what to do? Wasn't it just a few hours ago when that hardest question asked to us was 532 x 65? Wasn't it just about now when drugs, sex and pregnancy weren't issues we ever had to deal with? I mean WHOA. Where have all the simple days gone? And the scary part is, it's only going to get more and more complicated.

I was skimming this website that my friend, Vicka showed me. Basically, it's about bringing back the 90's. As I went through each aspect of my dwindling childhood, I started to get really nostalgic. Ahhh. I remember the days of Power Rangers, Lamb Chops Play-along, Ghostwriter, Little Lulu, and yes, even Jem and The Holograms. Everyday, the routing would be the same. We'd go home, watch TV and wait for our favorite shows patiently. Where have those days gone? Now, kids start watching the OC, One Tree Hill, and even CSI way too early. I didn't move up to sitcoms and such until I was practically a teenager. And to add to that, with the wonders of DVD's, Youtube and Alluc, such shows we used to wait for are now available on demand. We're having it so easy these days.

I remember back in gradeschool, after each day, we'd all be on the field by the roadway playing games with each other. Be it Ice-Ice-Water, Langit-Lupa, Sipa, Teks, Patintero, Agawan Base, Looking-For-Shiny-Rocks-On-The-Ground, Playing-With-Hairy-Worms, we'd always be active and alert. Sure we had our Gameboys of old, the simple, monotone LCD screened giants, but we'd all still prefer to put a lot of action (real action) in our free time. Now, when I see kids, they don't have to play all those games we did in real life, their PSP's and Nintendo DS's can do it for them. Maybe their hand-held consoles already have Ice-Ice-Water in them, and they can all play with each other via Bluetooth! Soon, games like the ones we had would be reduced to nothing more than another "Ano yun?" by the succeeding generations. I mean, really, do any of our younger siblings still play Sipa or Tumbang Preso?

Back when I was younger, thinner and quicker (ah, such times have passed all too quickly), I used to be one of those basketball players who would die to get a shot. Scoring points would be the utmost importance as I epitomized the term Boy-Pilit in the game. I would go coast to coast, against three defenders, refusing to hear calls from open teammates, and generally trying a bit too hard thinking I could be the next Anfernee Hardaway (before the LBJ's and Melo's and D-Wade's). Where has that all led to? Now, I can feel it, I'm only a year or two older than the freshmen I play with at school but I can distinctly feel the difference. They're faster, stronger, more efficient scorers than I've ever been. I can no longer run with the best/rest of them. I get irritated by those who DO go coast to coast and keep fastbreak-ing like there's always just three seconds left in the game. I (almost) no longer take the wild erratic shots that I have been so accustomed to. I prefer to slow things down and (try to) execute efficient offense. My knees start aching 20 minutes into the game (may tubig na ako sa tuhod). My calves start cramping up after 30. I'm only 18 and I already feel like my "basketball career" is waning towards non-existence.

Back in the early pubescent years, the angsty, why-doesn't-anyone-understand-me years, we all thought that love and romance was as complicated as it would get. Why doesn't she text back? Do you think she likes me? How should I begin to text her? Is it okay to call her up at home? How do I hold her hand in the movies? What's in a kiss? We all thought that the answers to these questions would take us to teenage-relationship paradise. As the She's All That's and Ten Things I Hate About You's have shown us possible. I never thought I'd be thinking and feeling the way I would now, five years ago. I remember thinking, back when I was 13, that I had the most complicated and demeaning problems in the whole world (well, it WAS bad; I mean, the girl I was falling for left me for another WOMAN, at 13. Beat that.) and I predicted that by 18, I would be older, more mature, and problem-free. The thing is, I didn't think that our problems would grow and mature like we do. Even faster that us. Now, the problems we deal with involve pregnancies, sex, friendships forged and ruined, and REAL heartbreak. When we were younger we thought heartbreak would be getting rejected by the girl we were "in love with." But now, being plainly rejected is actually letting you off easy. With all the drama, sidebars and details that come with "rejection," it gets a whole lot more complicated than that.

Save the "Bata ka pa!" lectures. I know I'm still young. But honestly, at 18, I can and will say that I've been through a lot. More than most people my age I'd say (But that would be being arrogant). I'm glad and grateful that after all of it, I'm still alive and well. Through the rises and falls, we've all learned how to get by. It's scary to think that all of this is only going to get harder and harder. It's even scarier to know that all of this is only going to get harder and harder. One thing I can conclude is that growing up sucks. What with the new generation and the way they're growing up (soooo fast), it's only going to get suckier. I miss going home from school, watching cartoons, taking a nap and playing with my Sega Genesis. I miss the feeling of "kilig." I miss the simpler days. And through it all, because of all this, I'm missing my childhood.

blog#139

2007-01-28T21:32:00.000+08:00

or something like it

Here's the thing about life: Nobody really knows what to do with it. We just have to live it. Our entire existence, we keep instinctively searching for its meaning. What we don't understand is that the meaning of life cannot and will not be found/sought. The meaning of life is learned. It's a process. It's by living, it's by going through everyday that we make meaning out of it. We keep looking for its meaning as if it's a goal, a target. What we don't realize is that it is the journey, it is the arrow.

I just watched the movie Stranger Than Fiction this afternoon and after giving it a lot of thought, most times, life IS stranger than fiction. Everything that's real, everything that we feel, it's all so wonderfully absurd. All the emotions and fantastic situations we portray in fiction will never amount to the feeling that reality gives us. The rush, the thrill, the joy, the sorrow, the excitement, the fear, the compassion. And that, in a nutshell, epitomizes strangeness and irony. We think of the perfect screenplays, the most bogus storylines to imitate the lives we live adding all sorts of spices and everything in between, and yet, the simple plain truth of reality, without all the superpowers and deus ex machina's, will boggle us more than anything else. Forget the special effects, forget the emo scenes, look at your own life and how you're living it. They say that life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. When you're in the middle of deciding which side your life is at now, it'll hit you: your life is all that. The darkest of all satirical comedies, and the most delightful of all tear-inducing tragedies.

Once, while we were hanging out, my friend Arns put me through this conversation that definitely changed my perspective on things.

Arns: Dude, quick! You only have 30 more seconds from now to live! What are you gonna do?
Jay: What?? What are you talking about?
Arns: 28... 27... 26...
Jay: What? We're gonna die?
Arns: You're losing time! What are you gonna do? Go! Go! These are the last moments of your life!
Jay: What???
Arns: 17... 16...
Jay: Okkhaaay. [looks at Arns weirdly]
Arns: Is this how you're living your life??? Go Go Go!
Jay: *thinks how completely and utterly insane Arns is*
Arns: 3... 2... 1... Aaaand you're dead.
Jay: Yay.
Arns: That's the problem with life. What if you really died after the 30 seconds?
Jay: Edi patay.
Arns: IF you knew you were really going to die, trust me, you would've done something else. But since we're so "sure" that we got it all figured out, this whole life-thing, that 30 seconds is not the only time we're given, we do nothing. And that's just sad.

[Yeah, of course I'm paraphrasing. No way my friend could talk like that. He isn't Gandhi or Jesus or anything. Goodness, I have strange friends.]

Think about it. Do we really know anything about life? We say this and say that, we give our expert advice on varied topics exclaiming that sheer experience and human know-how have given us the common sense to fathom the mysteries of life. But that is not the case. The truth is, we know nothing. God put us here, God created us and left us a message saying, "Here's life. Live it." It's like Christmas morning and we're all gathered under the tree opening our present. Our Father gave us this wonderful Zoids toy to assemble, but with no instuctions, no final-product picture; just that powerful and giving nature of love that a Father bestows on His children. It's up to us to assemble it. We work on it together. We share our different opinions on how this Zoid should look like in the end, where this screw should go, where this part should be connected. Yes, we might be right about it but we'll never really know until we reach the end, when we see the big picture, when we stand up, look at our completed Zoid and say with a smug smile, "Job well done." And that's what life should be all about.

blog#138

2007-01-24T23:16:00.000+08:00

quarter-life crisis

i look around and it seems that everyone's having his or her life in a state of shambles. it's as if the entire world has been devoid of anything good. the power of the hassles, problems and tears has overwhelmed all the things bright and beautiful. that cloud doesn't seem to have a silver lining. everyday we gain new experiences. right now, most of them seem to be so difficult and utterly hope-reducing. after each failed long test, each romantic dead-end, each family bicker-fest, we find ourselves a little less of who we are. i guess we're all a little bit empty. we're all a little bit unsatisfied. we're all a little bit incomplete.

i am currently watching the sunrise after one of the darkest, most difficult trials of my entire life. i ventured through quick-sand. one moment, i was walking along, blissfully treading through life when the next moment, i was caught in a death trap, sinking slowly, doing my best to hoist myself up, and failing miserably. most aspects of my life, the aspects i consider master statuses were all going haywire and i had no idea what to do to fix them.

and then what happened?

nothing. everything just passed.

every war has to end.

after the blood, screams and turmoil, what do we find? silence. peace. there may be 10,000 corpses beneath you, but it will be the most serenity you'll ever find. it's not all bad. wounds heal. chicks dig scars. and glory lasts forever. we're all in our quarter-life crises. let's not sugar coat it. people keep telling us, "it's okay. don't worry. it's not all bad. everything's going to be alright." but it isn't okay. we do worry. it is all bad. and nothing's going to be alright.... for the time being. dealing with it all just plain sucks. as every other person may attest to.

i'm all smiles right now. i can't help but smile whenever i hear an ode from any of my peers. sorry to say. not cuz of spite, not cuz of schadenfreude, just cuz i've got an idea what they're going through and i know that no matter how much it may suck at that particular moment, it's all gonna end anyway. once you're at peace with that, nothing's ever going to bother you as much. kind of like a zen-one-with-the-universe thing. haha.

anyway...

i haven't really written anything insightful [or productive for that matter] in a long while. i'm in one of those slumps again. i'm getting concerned because these slumps seem to be lasting longer and longer whenever they occur. and they occur a lot more often. i'm hoping to get back on track soon. part of it is that i've developed this sudden shame of letting people read all i have to say. i dunno. maybe it's cuz recently, i haven't really got anything good to say about anything or anyone so i guess it's better to just keep my mouth shut.

off to happier things...

blog#137

2007-01-07T17:57:00.000+08:00

for sale

i'm selling the following items. email me at j.aventurero@gmail.com or just comment on the post if you're interested.

1) Belkin Tunecast Auto for iPod (P2400 [neg.]) - an FM transmitter for the car. you can store 2 preset FM frequencies in it as presets. works as a charger as well. used for about 5 months and i've never ever had any trouble/problem with it. comes with the box. retail price is P3000-3300.

2) Griffin iTrip (P2000 or P1800 + Jollibee or "kissabayhug/kissabayag" [according to dear Kaira]) - another FM transmitter for the car or any FM radio. handy-er and dandy-er than the Belkin. uses up the battery of your iPod a bit though. works with any iPod. brand new, never been used, still in box. retail price is P2800.

3) Nokia 6270 (P13000 [neg.]) - about 10 months old. works like a charm. i sort of scratched off the silver-ness of the up-down-left-right keypad though, so now it's clear-colored. but it's evened out and still looks good. comes with the box and a 512mb MMC [and pictures/videos of me and my life].

4) Flip-Flops - i've only got 2 remaining on sale: white, plain Old Navy's, men's, size 10 (P200) or white and pink, floral designed Havaianas, women's, size 39-40 (P400). both are brand new and have never been used.

5) Myself (name your price...)

6) 2001 Honda Accord VTI (P370 000 [neg.]) - tip-top condition. silver colored. license plate ends with 2. 58k mileage. custom Sony Xplod radio. cute Elmo tissue dispenser. i'll toss in the Belkin [or the iTrip] for free if you get this particular item. haha.

7) Globe Load/Credits - yes, i've got a Share-A-Load business.

**

no, i'm not in the middle of some drug deal/high-end wager gone terribly wrong. haha.

blog#136

2006-12-24T20:17:00.000+08:00

it's all about the snow and mistletoe

life's razzle dazzles, hodge podges and shim shams have stacked up a mountain. but since it's Christmas, let's all forget about that for one moment. i'm sure everyone's sick of my bitching.

Christmas segue. i remember my first visit from Santa Clause. i was 9, i think, and still a firm believer in the big guy with red overalls. i had wished for a copy of NBA Live '97 for my Sega Genesis for Christmas. my mom told me to write to Santa, which i did. on Christmas morning, i woke up to the sound of my mom's excited beckoning. she told me to hurry up to the 3rd floor because there was a surprise waiting for me. when i got up there, lo and behold, a copy of NBA Live '97! haha. i was ecstatic. santa had come to visit me! along with the video game was a Christmas note from santa. i remember wondering how distinctly familiar the handwriting was. it was almost as if my mom and santa had the same handwriting. hahaha. anyway, just a little story to share there... anyway.

it's the very first time in my life that i attended any simbang gabi masses and i'm proud to say that i completed all 9 mornings [well, a couple of anticipated evenings]. they say that you get to make a wish and pray for that wish once you complete all 9 masses. did i wish for anything? i don't know. i came into simbang gabi knowing exactly what i wanted and now that it's all done, i no longer know, and it's a pretty relieving feeling. for once. so i guess i'll save this wish for when i really need it, you know?

there's nothing i want for myself this Christmas. i've been blessed far too much already [coughwhiteblazercough. hahaha.] all i want for Christmas is that i can spend it happily with the people that matter to me. so much heartache and pain has already been experienced: holding on, letting go, accepting what cannot be changed, and all that jazz. it's been great, but it's all done and over now. i can't help but smile and be happy. and thankful. the more we whine about things, the more there is to whine about. the more we're grateful about things, the more there is to be grateful about. and i'd rather be grateful than whiny.

i have this thing where i never ever feel Christmas spirit until the 26th. when it's all over and too late to do anything about it. on the 26th, i'd drown myself in Christmas songs thinking how special the day was that had passed. but it's different this year. it's the 24th and i can feel it. could it be because of the simbang gabi's? the kris kringles i participated in? the fondue fest stirring up downstairs for our noche buena? haha. whatever it is, i'm glad that i feel it this year, it'll make tonight all the more special. now.. if only i can bring back my faith in Santa Clause.

rockin' in the new year

i'll be spending new year's in Las Vegas. and it sucks that i'm not 21 yet. hahaha. nonetheless, i'm sure it'll be a blast. it's the very first time [with the exception of the Ayala Millennium Party] that i'll be spending new year's away from home. anyway, here's another annual survey..

1. What things did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
-- attend and finish simbang gabi. witness a sibling get married. see ipanema/copacabana beach. get into an NYC club with fake ID. goodness, the list goes on. 2006 was full of firsts and lasts.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
-- nope. i didn't make any last year and nope, i won't make any this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
-- not that i recall.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
-- sadly. RIP tita Carol.

5. What countries did you visit?
-- USA. Hong Kong. Vietnam. Cambodia. Brazil. Peru. Chile. Argentina.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
-- for true.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
-- the Ber months. one helluva ride. oh, summer AkA travel bonanza/the formation of Jacrew.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
-- just getting through each conundrum life dishes out. heart of a lion. [oh, and getting a high QPI on one of the hardest sems ever]

9. What was your biggest failure?
-- failing to be all i can be for myself and for people i care about. oh, and giving up.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
-- just when the year's about to end, i get sick.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
-- hmm. a close battle between my iPod and my Xbox.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
-- jacrew!

13. Whose behaviour appalled you and made you depressed?
-- i can't name anyone specifically.

14. Where did most of your money go?
-- Microsoft Xbox360. jamoves.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
-- the travels. the gimiks. the dates.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
-- The Fray - Look After You.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? - sadder.
ii. thinner or fatter? - fatter.
iii. richer or poorer? - poorer. damn Xbox.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
-- saving money. praying. reading leisurely. jamoving.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
-- eating. opening myself up. getting too close.

20. How will you be welcoming the New Year?
-- Las Vegas, baby.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
-- no point, same difference.

22. How many one-night stands?
-- zero!

23. What was your favourite TV program?
-- how i met your mother! [love every second of it!] lost.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
-- nope! to forgive is divine.

25. What was the best book you read?
-- Confessions of Max Tivoli - Andrew Sean Greer.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
-- indie rock bands. the new goo goo dolls album. the new incubus album. certain hip hop songs.

27. What did you want and get?
-- materially, i couldn't ask for more. but oh well. a new car. a trip to South America.

28. What did you want and not get?
-- baby back ribs.

29. Favorite film of this year?
-- little manhattan?

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
-- had a party on my 18th.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
-- baby back ribs. immeasurably.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
-- back to basics. plains all the way.

33. What kept you sane?
-- writing. reading. accounting [ironically]. Jacrew. and now, Xbox360.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
-- scarlett johansson. jessica alba. elisha cuthbert. cindy curleto.

35. Who is your real-person crush?
-- ooh. the girl who likes the song, seven nation army. and the girl in the green dress [...she took my breath away, made me look to the sky for a better day. to the beat y'all and scooby snacks..]

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
-- cha-cha. con-ass. haha. ass.

37. Who did you miss?
-- my sister. friends i don't see. jana. joel. valyn.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
-- people. jacrew.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006
-- though diamonds start as coal, all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
-- "i'm still here." -- I'm Still Here, John Rzeznik
"i am immortal. i have inside me blood of kings." -- Princes of The Universe, Queen

41. Rate the year 2006 in a scale of 10.
-- 10. it was the best year ever. hands down.

**

i wanna thank everyone who made this year as amazing as it is.

blog#135

2006-12-11T20:13:00.000+08:00

wisdom fades with age?

i was reading some of the stuff i've written in the past year and i came to realize that i was so much smarter back then. well, theoretically/philosophically that is. when it comes to application and practicality, past-jay's a stupid idiot. here's some stuff i wrote more than a year ago which can actually answer some of my current questions. i mean if i could have written any of this right now, boom, everything'd be okay. my perspective's changed i guess. or whatever.. [*'s mean comments by present-jay]

Saturday, April 30, 2005

the world's been spinning around a lot faster lately. lots of things have happened since the last time i blogged. realizations. surprise endings. happy endings and sad endings. new beginnings and etc. for so many of my friends, including myself, events keep taking place and it's hard to keep up. life takes over and you can't do a thing about it. you wanna just stop for a moment, take a deep breath before plunging down again, but life won't let you and it sucks but there's no use sulking about it cuz there's nothing any of us can do about it.

people have been too melodramatic lately. yes, that includes me. and i guess it's the natural reaction when existence slaps you in the face and thrusts a cold stick of confusion, melancholy and hoplessness up your ass. in the past week, i've seen people cry, be down and emotional more than i ever have in my whole life. and it makes me sad. like one of my bestfriends' said to me the other day:

"dude, pansin mo ba, as we get older, we get sadder din? i hate growing up. mas okay dati nung mas simple buhay noh? you play with your toys. and when your crush texts you once, you're so happy na. these days, masyado nang complicated eh."

[* i remember this moment vividly. it was the end of a "thing at Greg's." everyone was half-drunk or passed out or jamoving while greg and i were just in one corner talking, making sense of life. we used to have talks like these ALL the time during highschool in the lobby while waiting for our rides home. haha. funny moment. and somehow, it's one year later and the same thought still applies.]

i feel like i'm in the boxing ring with life right now. i am mzonke fana and life is erik morales and he's just having his way with me. swollen, bleeding, and knocked out of my senses, the 2nd round hasn't even started. and there is no such thing as throwing in the towel. though i get a few punches in, i'm losing my battle... as of now. there are a lot of rounds to go, and Mzonke isn't the "South African Wonder" for nothing! hehehehe.

[* quite the metaphor eh? haha. where the hell is mzonke fana right now anyway?]

Sunday, June 05, 2005

it's time to put away the old books, put on my good shoes and go to college, the last chapter of my dependence. after this four year spurt of stress, new boundaries broken and experiences galore, i'll enter the real world. the scary, lonesome real world. but back up a bit. let's take it one day at a time. one day at a time. at a time. time.

to some of us, time is a big, fat, laughing bully who sits on a throne looking into a giant crystal ball with images of people like us. people like us who see time pass all too soon. people like us who don't seem to get the best out of life. we try our hardest and squeeze the juice as much as we can, but in the end, time always wins. with his malignant laugh, he'd take us away from everything and take us to the unknown oblivion of death. nothing good ever lasts. but back up a bit. time's not all bad.

time heals. it is only through this big bad bully that wounds are mended and scars are washed away. without time, what is forgiveness? without time, what is compassion and love? and besides, who's to say that the unknown oblivion that time inevitably takes us to is a bad thing? who knows?

[* i had a point, i guess. time's that character in the movies that people don't know is a good or a bad guy up until the end. time'll do something drastic to change the plot of the story. and poof. good/bad ending.]

**

it's amazing how we think of ourselves so much weaker than we actually are. we whine and complain about how difficult our problems get and yet we are still able to smile, to laugh, to enjoy the rest of this life given to us. we tell ourselves, "di ko na kaya.." and then the next day comes and that statement becomes but a memory. we become so preoccupied with what's happening or not happening that we forget to see what ELSE is out there for us.

we're all running towards certain goals. to some it's a marathon and to some it's a 50 meter sprint. but it's the 0.00000001 seconds before crossing the finishing line that defines us. that feeling of "almost there! i'm so tired. almost there! i can't go on. MALAPIT NA! di ko na kaya. ONE LAST PUSH! nothing more to give. TAKE THE PAIN! GRRAARRRGH!" our minds and bodies as oxymorons, we'd still cross that finish line sooner or later. and that one moment before crossing it, that huge paradox of hoplessness and determination, it will have become irrelevant. cuz you've done it. you've crossed the finish line. you've reached your goal. first, last, in between, now that's up to us to react to. but to me, as long as i finish, i'll be okay.

blog#134

2006-12-10T02:13:00.000+08:00

the reach

Waning

She is the other side of the moon,
the side the world cannot see:
mysterious beauty.
The love that never learned,
the life that never breathed.
She smiles diamonds in heaven,
paintings I cannot touch.
For though I am her wings,
she chooses not to fly.
And every tear and sigh
from my ugly face
is a storm on a far star.

**

anyway,

Rest In Peace, Tita Carol Alminiana. my prayers are with you. thank you for visiting us one last time. much love. eternal bliss be granted upon you.

**

tough tough couple of weeks i'd have to say. hahaha. but i'm ready to rise again. when you've sunk as low as inhumanly possible, the only other way to go.. is up. fall down seven times, get up eight. ridiculous quotes aside, i'll seriously be okay. it's another test of faith. believing will get me through.

blog#133

2006-11-30T15:23:00.000+08:00

silver lining

i've been bitching about the impending storm non-stop since i first found out about it last night. i'm just another spoiled little brat scared of thunder and bothered by power outtages. it was the perfect way to ruin a perfect day yesterday. and come on, this isn't going to do our always-storm-stricken nation any good any more. haha. anyway, i got to talking to my friend online and she really put things in perspective for me. she told me to visualize a rain-filled day without the blackouts. sitting in the den, eating popcorn, smiling at the rain and thinking, "yeah, she was right!" she told me that it WILL rain hard, but that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. the more we fight against things that we don't want, the more they will come. but the more we fight for things that we do want, the more they will come too. at that point, i had been performing my anti-rain dance for a couple of hours already and upon being enlightened by that, i stopped my ridiculous actions and decided to go with it. fcuk it. i still don't want it to rain rhinos and elephants, but it won't be the end of the world. [though i seriously, seriously think all these super storms are indicators of it... your thoughts?]

with all of that in mind, i prayed last night. i prayed a lot. i prayed for the rain. i prayed for the storm. i prayed that the rain and the storm would happen but that it wouldn't cause much "chagrin" to all of us land-dwellers. i prayed for a spectacular, fun-filled long weekend. rain or no rain. as it was intended to be. and i thanked God for seeing me through whenever i bitch about the stupidest things.

"let the rain fall, i don't care.."

blog#132

2006-11-19T16:31:00.000+08:00

the sticker's off

after 8 months of use and much, much, deliberation, a few moments ago, at around 4:00 P.M. of this day, November 19, 2006, i finally peeled the protective sticker off my iPod.

people have been badgering me since i bought the iPod to remove the sticker but it only took me until today to actually do it. i guess i just never wanted to get the iPod tainted or scratched. i wanted to preserve its beauty and fullness for as long as possible. this, of course, had its consequences. months into use, the plastic sticker began to yellow, fold up, crumple and lose all aesthetic appeal. my iPod looked uglier even though the actual surface remained unscathed. more months later, the parts of the surface that the folds and crumples exposed began to scratch and suddenly, the dream of preservation became a losing battle and a sad realiztion came to be: no matter what i'd do [save buy a new plastic sticker], no matter how much i believe it will work, the one thing i kept holding on to to keep my iPod beautiful will fail anyway. it will deteriorate slowly, make it look uglier and uglier, then finally, on one seemingly ordinary day, will peel off on its own, exposing an already pre-scratched, old-looking iPod. some things, no matter how hard, no matter how much we believe them to be saving our lives, we must let go. my iPod will still work. it will still play the same songs. it will still provide me the service it was invented to give. but i'll know that something will always be missing. i'll know it each time i look at the screen and see marks and scratches on the surface. and that's something i can never repair..

... unless i buy a new iPod. haha.

blog#131

2006-11-12T01:19:00.000+08:00

numb?

as a freshman, i was taught beauty in my literature class. i was told that if something wasn't fleeting, it wouldn't be beautiful. it's the fact that it lasts mere moments that makes it so marvelous. it's the lucid yet somehow ineffable memory that comes after the moment that makes it so, ironically, unforgettable. you wish that somehow you could live in these little moments forever. but you can't. they pass so quickly that sometimes, you barely have the time, the power, or the consciousness to grasp them, feel them.

it's sad to think of the future. that one day, things have to change. friends will have to leave on their own voyages, siblings will have to start their own families, i will have to go on my very own. i'm not very good with changes that have to do with big parts of my life. and i've had too many things around me change already. and i hate that i'm always the one left, never the one leaving. can't good things last?

even Friends had to end.

blog#130

2006-11-01T10:15:00.000+08:00

ode to fatherhood

this trip has been sheer turmoil.

i'm trying my very best to understand him but he doesn't listen to what i have to say. he always seems to take it the wrong way. always. either that, or he just doesn't remember at all. i keep on trying to share my side but all that matters is the way he sees things. he keeps saying that he is misunderstood when all the while i'm right up there on the same pedestal, back to back, also in the shadow of comprehension. i've learned to be tolerant of it, to just shut up and keep to myself. but then i am forced to speak out, my silence being a supposed form of rebellion or of disrespect. and when i do say something, anything, my words seem to launch a thousand ships and then comes World War 3. he tells me i judge him: my insights and opinions, though in the lightest and most respectable manner, are arrows to the heart. i am condemned for saying nothing, condemned for saying anything.

nothing i do is ever good enough. that finishline i am swimming to just seems to get farther and farther. cramped up and out of breath, i tread on oceans and oceans, trying to prove to him that i am doing my very best. even if i finish 22nd place. i'm not an honors student, i'm not a prospective cumlaude, but God knows, there were times i'd study for Accounting 8 hours a day just to get the C+ i deem highly satisfactory. i don't think i'll ever be able to reach his benchmark. he tells me he does not pressure me, that those simple words and gestures to strive for excellence at all times, to succeed in every aspect of life, to obtain proof and measure of my life's achievements are merely soft pats on the shoulder. when in fact they seem like thunderous brick shots to my back and head and heart. [again, all that matters is how he sees it, not the way otehrs take/perceive it] he doesn't know that the values and attitudes he wishes to instill in me are already there, regardless of any concrete evidence. their manifestations come unacknowledged and are therefore deemed inexistent. even though in reality, they're REALLY there. sigh. it's hard to be the last/youngest in a family of overachievers. i have the most to prove about myself. i have the most to do to make him believe that i belong. but as of now... i am the poster boy for "black sheep."

what hurts the most is that he doesn't trust me. he doesn't think i have what it takes, or that he hasn't taught me well enough to make something of myself in my life. he doesn't think i will succeed. maybe i won't in his standards, but i certainly, most definitely will in mine. we're actually the same person, you see, in the sense that we have an overwhelming drive to succeed. it's just that we define success very differently. it hurts, you know, when your own father doesn't trust you. suddenly, everything you're doing ceases to have meaning or sense. what good is all the work i am doing? what good is everything i am aspiring for? my father doesn't even trust me with it.

i am a person who really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY HATES letting people down. even strangers. i HATE letting people down. this is a big chunk of why i am trying my absolute best to do what i can to make him happy. but what good is it now when he doesn't trust me and if what i'm doing will never be good enough?

i love him very much. i just wish he could trust me. i don't even want to put the burden on him to try to understand me. cuz i know he never will. neither of us will want to back down when we share our own respective opinions, what more if we share our entire indentities to each other? and i just wish he'd listen to me and retain what he hears. he has to try to walk in his son's shoes to at least begin to comprehend what he is going through. he says that he feels unappreciated and disrespected for some reason. but i do appreciate everything, i am very grateful. the thing is, i'm at the same place he is. i, too, feel unappreciated. i am not trusted, the things i work for go unacknowledged, my identity seems to be an utter mystery that though shared, is still unfathomable.

sigh.

my dad and i are the ulitmate oxymoron. we are the same person. but at the same time, we are completely different.

someone please take me home.

blog#129

2006-10-21T16:37:00.000+08:00

two weeks

people don't realize the value of moments. how single, solitary moments change and mold the lives we live. how certain decisions, though small, can ultimately alter the fabric of our existence. i have made a lot of stupid decisions the past few days/weeks. some i'm not proud of, but none that i regret. they've all created a certain razzle-dazzle, shim-sham, hodge-podge chopsuey in my life. it's quick sand. when you realize that you're in a pickle, it's too late to struggle back out. all you need to do is stay still, and hope that things work out.

i'm going to the states for two weeks with my dad. besides visiting my friends and hanging out with my dad, consider this part 2 of my out-of-country soul search expedition. the last time was a mere 4 nights, now, it's 13. and at least 8000 miles farther. part of me really wants to go on this trip to escape the drudgery of life here and re-think/re-assess everything. i'm coming of age and it's time to really think about anything and everything. school, career, future, etc. but then, a part of me doesn't want to go at all. a part of me wants to sink in that quick sand and see what's on the other side. i wanna live through whatever happens here in the short span of immortality that sembreak gives. two different two-weeks but i can only live in one of them. ja-sigh.

some people say that two weeks is too short. but the world has changed in a shorter period of time. this is a big one, i can tell. just like the big feeling i got during the final days of 2005. i kept thinking, "is it just me, or is 2006 gonna be a rather big and eventful year?" true enough, it has been. far too much than i have ever imagined. TOO many things happened. so yeah. i can't blame myself for being rather worried about this one. i just hope things turn out okay.

oh well, at least i'm off to see the Knicks play! hahahaha. woohoo!

blog#128

2006-10-14T19:33:00.000+08:00

boys don't cry

whenever love begins or ends, the first few weeks are often alike. for one, friends can't stand to be with you. if they hear another, "love my sweetie sugar babe!" or a "fuck my sad suicidal state," they can swear to kill you. another is that you always seem to be off the grid/hard to be with...

daboise night out:

"where's ***?"
"jamoves."
"ahhh."

"where's ***?"
"muling."
"ahhh."

one more thing is that you always seem to attract attention. whether it be PDA-ing in the mall, or breaking down and crying in the mall upon seeing an artifact/location of reminiscence, you'll always catch people looking at you. one last thing, and i swear is the most annoying one, is that songs suddenly obtain an uncontrollable, irreversible attachment to you. to a new couple, "i'll be" has just BECOME the first song the made out to. to a broken up couple, "i'll be" WAS the first song they made out to. put some Pantera on your iPod, why don't you?

cynicism never smelled so much like my own body odor. horrific, yet blossoming from my own person.

truth be told, cynicism [not to mention the hormonal outrage and insatiable thist for jamoves *wink*] for me is merely a defense mechanism to mask the fact that i'm sick and tired of being single and have been desiring for something more. the sayings "tough luck dude, don't worry, it'll come," and "it's alright, she's out there, it'll happen," and "tsong, bata ka pa, huwag madaliin," and all that crap sound the same to me. they all sound like Paris Hilton's songs. tremendously overplayed and absolutely horrible. [i have never listened through the entirety of any of her songs however digitally remastered her voice may be] if i hear them one more time, it'll send me off the ridge. try having to go through the process a dozen times and still never make it. [circa the previous Snakes and Ladders post]

chemically, i was told that love was nothing but reactions between pheromones and elements and brain impulses. philosophically, i was told that love doesn't exist at all; that it's all just a mere illusion to hide humankind's uselessness and powerlessness. romantically, i was told that love is an ugly, destructive thing that leaves you bleeding on the floor and is only practiced by fools. hmmm. love never had a chance to explain itself, did it? love's a pie. people who eat too much either get sick of it, or get fat. people who eat too little never get to say "Mmmmmm!" after every meal. and then... there're some people who'd give/do anything just to get a piece.

**

i've been on hiatus from ANY form of leisurely writing for the past month. somehow, it didn't seem as incomplete as i thought it would be. it made me think that maybe Writing is something i don't need to be doing for the rest of my life. professionally, anyway. if i can live without if for a month, it musn't be what i really want. because what i really want can't be missed. not for a month. not for a day. not for a minute. *wink*

blog#127

2006-09-10T16:53:00.000+08:00

beginning to feel like home

Where The World Sees a Man of Determination

Where the world sees a man of
determination, adoration and passion,
she sees
mist,
blurry and cold.
The pale moon can never share
the sky with the diamond sun.
An angel can never kiss a mortal.
Beauty is pain, pain is passion, and beauty is
what the dying moon feels.
All the love there ever was,
all the hope there ever will be
is not enough to make her be with me.

-- Famas

**

say you're playing Snake and Ladders. you're on one of to the last spaces before the finish. all that stands between you and victory is a 34-space long snake to slide you right back to START. you roll the dice. fate is your ally and nemesis. the dice stops. "2." you move your piece and land right on the head of that dread of a snake. you slither back to Square One. sigh. Square One. either viewed to be as the most hopeful, forward-looking space on the board, or a lonely little spot of frustration and anguish. you've been playing this game for two hours and you've been rolled back to START N times, so that makes your definition of Square One the latter, more pessimistic version. one more go? do you keep on playing? or do you say "screw this," stand up and go play video games? [who the hell plays Snakes and Ladders anymore anyway?]

that 34-space long snake has bested me yet again.

blog#126

2006-09-06T18:24:00.000+08:00

love and basketball

people who know me can say that i tend to get a wee bit, umm, over-passionate over things that i really want to obtain. that goes with sports too. yeah. when you're down 0-2 and you're up against another 0-2 team, someone like me can get a little too "atatsky" for a win. when the stakes are like this, screw the stats, i'm all about winning. the thing is, i played horribly that game. and it killed me thinking that maybe i could've contributed better to the team if i wasn't so over-excited and everything. we lost. by four measly points. and i went crazy. so many things were going wrong that week. too many things were factors of stress, depression and anxiety. that basketball game was the only thing that i asked God for just to make me feel better. just a little better. one short breath of relief. ergo, i poured my heart and soul into that game. everything i had. even though i played horribly, i knew what i had to do. played limited minutes, passed the ball, played solid defense. we tried everything. but still, we came up short. and so, what was meant to make me feel a bit better magnified all the bad things and ended up making me feel a lot worse. i was without a heart and without a soul. so i went ballistic. i was hostile. i threw the biggest tantrum i ever have in years. if you talked to me, i'd kill you. and i'm sorry that people had to see me that way.

anyway, after that, i learned to just chill and be steady before the game. not to be too intense as to lose sight/grip of reality. and i think, the team was just finally ready for a win. and so, the next week, after 3 heartbreaking losses, we gained our first win.. and did it in style [in style = a 25-point lead. EVERYONE played a great game!]. it's been quite a while since i last felt the thrill of victory. it feels pretty damn good.

sigh. sorry. i just wanted to pour all this basketball-stuff out.

blog#125

2006-08-30T19:21:00.000+08:00

watching trains go by

i'm a servant of time. every time i hop in the car, i look at the time and immediately calculate the ETA to my destination. often times, i overshoot my ETA so i won't have to feel bad of never reaching it in time. this doesn't only happen with car trips. it happens when i'm studying, taking an exam, watching a movie, even when i'm on a date [we'll be sitting down, with me about to tell her a classic Joey Tribiani it's-not-you-it's-me line, all the while thinking, "okay. by 11:15PM, she'll be thinking of me as the worst idiot in the world. give or take 10-15 minutes, depending on how much i stutter and ask to go to the bathroom. hmm. i wonder what time i'll get home.. about 11:45 i guess. give or take 10-15 minutes depending one the......" {yeah, that's what i really think when i space out}] one other thing i always seem to be doing is making correlative references to the past and inferences of the future with exactly the same time interval from the present. it's like i'm always midway of a certain goal or process. i'd be like, "five years ago, i was only starting highschool. in five more years, i'll be working my ass off for a measly amount of pay. and that five years isn't such a long time. six years ago, i was only beginning to interact with girls, being all awkward and unaware. in six more years, i'll probably be with the one girl i'll end up with. and that six years isn't such a long time." i guess it has something to do with me not wanting to waste my time, wanting to live to the fullest and all that silly baloney.

sigh. such obedience for father time and he hasn't done a single thing to reciprocate anything i've done. beautiful moments are fleeting. painful ones resound. and i always keep to mind for some reason that one way or the other, i'm losing this game. playing hide and seek with time isn't much fun, especially when you're it. you spend so much TIME seeking TIME that when you've finally found TIME hiding behind the window curtains, you'll realize you've already wasted enough of it that finding it didn't really make much difference anyway. and time's such a good frickin' hider, it's annoying.

in a world moving too damn fast for anyone to keep their balance, time's a scarce commodity. when we run out of it in the end, we wanna know we spent it the best way we could have. ahem ahem ahem. coughtakechanceandwastesometimecough.

blog#124

2006-08-24T19:36:00.000+08:00

that Enrique Iglesias song

August 23, 2006. 8:47 PM. four angst-ridden, emo-driven youths are lying down the hood of a car staring up at the glittery Tagaytay sky, waiting for a genuine piece of wonder...

Missy: ... mga what-could-have-been eh. haha.
Jay: oo nga eh. tinuruan mo mag-shuffle ng cards eh noh?
Melai: hah? "oo."
Jay: sayang. pogi naman siya ah.
Jau: oo nga. mon ka ba naman.
Jay: si mon -----

Missy, Jay, Melai, Jau: YYYYYOOONN! [wild, empathic screams and jumps follow as the four gaze upon a big, blue, split-second light show]

"shooting stars aren't as rare as people think they are. they just never look up." -- Jacrew

**

sometimes, you need a bigger release. when lying on your bed staring at the ceiling for hours isn't enough anymore. when everything is black and white, bland, boring and dull. when your face is as gray as a gargoyle, and even as ugly as one. on times like these, you just need to escape the universe, seek refuge and shelter, look for another dimension and reality. that's exactly what we did yesterday. four ugly gargoyles flew to a place not so near yet not so far just to get to a place to leave their problems in.

too many things have been happening recently. they just piled up and became far too much for any of us to handle anymore. and an impromptu trip to tagaytay was just what the doctor ordered. leaving one sunny and sad wednesday afternoon, we roadtripped to the south with the sole intention of pouring our souls out, screaming at the top of our lungs, and living a parked-car-night-sky moment. all these with cheesy/emo/appropriate/tv-show-like musical soundtracks to fit. [e.g. driving on the sunset-touched highway, "we've been on the run, driving in the sun, looking out for number one, California here we come..." cheesy. yes.]

it's an equation:

four really good/emo/excited friends + a good iPod playlist + pigging out + parking and hanging out at a closed The Peak resturant in Highlands [the setting was absolutely AMAZING] + seeing the b-e-a-utiful city skyline + seeing hundreds of natural Christmas tree lights in the bushes + having one of these Christmas tree lights make a home in our hands + sharing our deepest sentiments with each other + the coldest/strongest gales making our hairs dance and our knees shiver + taking great photos + lying down on the hood of the car + seeing hundreds of bright stars + seeing certain stars "dance" + seeing the clouds form an outline of a heart with all the stars inside it + hearing First Of Summer play on the randomized iPod playlist + belting along with First Of Summer + seeing the bluest shooting star materialize for all of us to make a wish = A TOTAL ESCAPE FROM REALITY

there are certain nights you know you'll always remember. last night was one of them. i can't believe we actually went to tagaytay on a school night and i can't believe everything went so perfectly. we went home that night with softer insides and lighter feelings. it was everything we wanted and needed. it's like the Big Guy made that night just for us. and i can't thank Him enough. i know that nothing is ever perfect, but i swear, i had to re-think that statement after last night.

it truly was.. LEGEN--wait for it, and i hope you're not lactose intolerant cuz the next part of the word is--DARY!

blog#123

2006-08-20T21:25:00.000+08:00

opportunity cost

you get a reminder that your biological clock is ticking [not matter how many times you press Snooze] when you start to make references to your own time. when you talk to younger people and start off your sentences with "nung panahon ko..." it's a sign that you're not getting any younger. i actually had it happen to me the other night, talking with some of my friends who're still in highschool. sure, the time lapsed hasn't really been that long, but still. i can't help the fact that my youth is slowly running away from me. "nung panahon ko, hindi pa ganyan yung mga teacher eh. yung caf, di pa ganyan. etc etc." crude. yes. but still, a quiet reminder from father time to stop wasting time.

every day is a day less that i can do the things i want to do. and there are already so many things i've given up, so many dreams and aspirations stowed away. it's the law of opportunity cost. it applies to everyone, everyday. it's not just an economical concept, it's universal. we sacrifice things, part of ourselves, things we want to do to be able to accomplish other things and be different/better people. because in an unfair world, we can't have everything.

my dad once told me, "don't hurry time. but don't waste it either." it's one of his proverbs that i'll keep with me and pass it to my own children one day. there are certain things in my raw existence that i've already squandered and i'm trying to get by without them. sometimes it gets difficult. i dunno. everyday i feel as if i'm wasting more and more and more time. as if i could be doing something better, something more absolute and meaningful. i'm certainly not a perfect person. i'm not a wise person either. i'm just a person. on good days, i smile and am happy. on bad ones, i sulk and pretend to be somewhere else. the bottomline is, i'm trying my best. i always am. i have a twisted sense of what my "best" actually is, but nonetheless, i'm doing all i can. i just hope i don't run out of time. hitting the "Snooze" button won't work anymore.

blog#122

2006-08-14T23:34:00.000+08:00

post accounting universal realizations

just finished the 2nd accounting long exam. i don't know which part of it was worse. the fact that i barely even studied for the test or the fact that our proctor cut our time off by 30minutes for some odd reason which led some of the ladies in the class to tears. weird.

i'm half-drunk and semi-incoherent right now. and being so, it's made me think much better. you know what my problem is? you know the reason why i haven't been in any relationship yet? or the same reason why i keep on writing like a little monkey stocked up on lipovitans, extra joss's, and pep pills all at once? it's a wonderful irony based on my present condition. i think too much. yes. i tend to over-analyze all the things i do and say. after a pre to mid adolescent period of poor, heart-led decision making that led to bad experiences, i've suddenly turned the 180 degree turn towards thoughtsville. i'm the exact opposite of what i used to be. and actually, it's not really that different from the over-emotional wreck i once was. instead of going, "i'm so depressed.. what do i do? what do i do??" i just go, "what do i do? what do i do??" so yeah, there's about a three word difference after five years of growing up. hahaha. when the going gets tough, the tough get thinking. the rationality of everything i need to do is consuming me because i'm too afraid to make mistakes again and again. i'm afraid to lose people, to fail them, to hurt them. i'm a big, fucking chicken who won't cross the road for shit.

i've always said that i won't live my life with any regrets, that i'd disclude the "what if's" and "if only's" i'd come across. i guess that's all just because i'm thinking too much on which path to take. the path that doesn't even have what if's and if only's paved on it. doing so, i avoid imminent mistakes. when you think about it, looking for such a way been nothing but a big bitch. i guess that, since i am tipsy, i've come to realize, through this rational epiphany due to to the loss of my actual rational thinking [labo], that life's SUPPOSED to have all those what if's and if only's. it's living life inspite of that that we need to learn. we should hit mistakes head on instead of avoiding them.

it's weird logic but it's like you have to get into a car accident before you can say stuff like, "oh, if only i hadn't gone so fast," or "what if i had followed the stop signs?" etc. because if you haven't really gotten into an accident, there's no room and point to say those things, right? am i making sense? accounting's got the best of me.

anyway, it's only on the eve of my 18 and 5/12th year on this earth that i come to senses with one of the things that's bothering me. haha. i will have to lose some people. i will have to fail some people. and truthfully, i will have to hurt some people as well. haha. who knew that a little alcohol's all it takes to make that big 'ol "mysterious" universe to cough up some answers.

blog#121

2006-08-11T22:04:00.000+08:00

constructive outlet

there is no such thing as "chamba." lucky strokes don't really exist. if you've done it once before, that just means you have the ability to do it. and having the ability to do it only means that you can do it again...

coughseguecough.

eight three's in one game. i haven't played this well in a long time. [in a long time = ever. hahahaha.] forgive my swagger. it's not everyday i play well.

i've never been this "horny" for basketball in my whole life. it's as if i'll die if i don't get a hold of a ball for a day. i started this new thing where i shoot 300 jumpshots a day. besides that, i still shoot around, practice freethrows, dribble about, and if there are any people available, play in games.

why this sudden over-affinity to the Philippines' most popular sport? there are many reasons. lately, i haven't really been getting any fitter. i tire too easily and become lousy after any physical activity. so i think i need this lest i lose more and more years on my already shortened life. also, of course, it's been a very VERY VERY VERY VERY rough past few weeks. emotions flying about here and there. stress from school and home and everywhere else piling up. it's tough. really really tough. i swear. sometimes i can't really cope with it all. and so with semi-sullenness on the driver's seat, i'm being pushed to play and play and play just to help get things in order. only basketball [and accounting. yes. accounting.] keep me sane enough to function everyday. the IAC tournament in AdMU is coming up. further fueling the basketball intensity. we put up a pretty good team this year and i'm hoping we can do better than last year.

anyway. i guess it's good that i rekindled the burning passion i have for basketball [and added a whole can of lighter fuel at that]. i don't know what i'd do without it.

blog#120

2006-08-08T21:48:00.000+08:00

on letting go

when do you know when you should let go? who draws the line between letting go of something and fighting for it? when should you cross it? can you straddle it and stand in between? goodness.

i'm a pompous soldier who has been in many wars. i have never won in any of them. nor have i lost. i've merely killed lots of innocent people and have been stabbed and shot and beaten up a few times in turn. it's inevitable, sooner or later, this soldier will have to die in battle. i don't know anymore. where am i exactly?

blog#119

2006-08-05T19:41:00.000+08:00

the crush theory

people don't realize it but there's really nothing quite as perfect as a crush whom you know a little about if not nothing at all. so many things go wrong in this world but here's one thing you know that, as long as you nor 'fate' never act on it, never will. that person will always just be there for you to appreciate from a distance. nothing else. sure, you'd like to get to know that person better, but the way you see that person, that gleaming light of infatuation that blinds you from all that person's imperfections that seems so obliviously blissful will suddenly just disappear and turn into harsh reality once you get to know that person. i know it's impractical in so many ways, and would seem just utterly cowardly and/or pathetic and/or stupid, but think about it, the feeling you get when you see that crush of yours.. it's mile-long smiles, it's butterflies and dragonflies, it's jumping up and down, it's starry-eyedness, it's listening to feel good songs like Brighter Than Sunshine, Spit On A Stranger, and Accidentally In Love. basically, it's wonderfully ineffable. and so few things are left in our lives that are like that since our insatiable hunger for truth and reason behind everything will never cease. it's great having crushes. but to me, that's all they're meant to be. a crush is a crush.

so sick

no, it's not the song. i really am sick right now. it sucks that i just HAD to get sick on the day of the long-awaited Accounting long exam. how did i fair? well, just about as good as i had expected. no, i'm not going to get a grade that's good, but i will get a grade that's good enough. and after all the delays, fits of anxiety and rage, that just feels like heaven. i almost got pneumonia during the exam because i had forgotten to bring a jacket and i swear they made us take the test somewhere in the northen hemisphere. it was cold beyond reason. i found myself involuntarily shivering. i was delirious by the time there were only about 7 minutes left in the test. i had two more long problems to balance and about three more short problems to finish up. amidst the work that still needed to be done, i found myself suddenly narrating in my mind what was happening in my life at the moment! as if a first persona character in a book, i lost all sanity by thinking of nice words to describe my situation. it went a little like...

"...it's like the final minutes you spend on your deathbed. you're there, patiently waiting for the grim reaper's touch. it's strange that even in your last, pathetic moments in life you find yourself wishing for a mirafcle drug, a cure, something that'll grant you just another day in this world. but soon, you know in the back of your mind, you'll have to die...

ahhh. the final minutes of an accounting exam. i have not balanced two long problems and have not done several short problems. people have begun to leave. there's a shiver spreading throughout my body. is it fear? is it the feeling of failure? no, i think it's because i'm taking the test in a freezer of a room.

sigh. anyway. i think it's time for me to accept it. this disease has lingered far too long. it's time to die..."

clearly, i was insane from the just-passed two hours and 53 minutes of debits and credits and accounts payable and balance sheets and.... blah. or maybe it was from the impending pneumonia. hahaha.

anyway, back to being sick. i hate it. your sleeping pattern becomes erratic, you can't breathe, you finish entire rolls of tissue in half a day, and you get so tired so easily. i personally blame this on the unpredictable mood-swings of Philippine weather. grrrr. sigh. what can i do? man has struggled to find the slightest evidences for miracle cures for HIV, cancer and the like, and yet we still haven't got a thing for the common cold. i hope i get well soon.

blog#118

2006-08-02T00:44:00.000+08:00

obviously, i got lazy to continue the "sticks and stones" entry from last week. but i will do, sooner or later.

einstein dropped out of school too, you know

well, i didn't make it into Heights. i find myself wondering if this is a good thing or not. i don't know. i really thought i could do it. i thought i had it in me. but then again, maybe i'm shooting too much. oh well. i've got a whole year to grow and try again.

jekyll and hyde

something's happening to me..

yes. the very thing i'm trying to flush out of my system by trying to use it all up is taking control of me. consuming me. it's given me a dark side. nah, too exaggerated. a jerk side. yeah, much better. lately, i've been an inconsiderate, tactless, insensitive jerk. and the weird thing is.... i like it. i'm becoming the supervillain i'm trying desperately to defeat and i don't seem to mind. i don't know, there are still some traces of myself in there, but they're all slowly dwindling and dying out. is this a good thing? i really don't know. i kinda wanna see just how far this goes, downward spiral thereafter withstanding. hehe.

an effect of said transformation is the rapid entrance towards "cool"-dom. ahhh. being "cool." the one thing in my social stature dominated youth we all promised never to be. the havs-wearing, bora-going, ever after-listening, frisbee-playing lot who are considered the elite among the elite. i swear i had made more fun of them than comics do of politics and hollywood/showbiz combined. it's unfortunate. lately, with the things i do, the places i go, the words i say, the people i hang out with, the frickin' clothes i wear, i can honestly say that the thin line between being 'cool' and being "cool" is being crossed. the difference between 'cool' and "cool?" read up on my YM conversation with dre here [just goes to show how utterly weird and bobohan/labuan my conversations with dre get]. this all sucks. i just wish things were the way they were before. or do i? how much better/worse would things be anyway? sigh. i dunno. i dunno. labuan.

blog#117

2006-07-25T12:35:00.000+08:00

sticks and stones

the grim weather causes the sandman to sprinkle just a little more sand on my eyes. i've been asleep for 12 hours. wonderful. anyway, as i was taking my breakfast/lunch [i DO NOT want to call it brunch], i started grinning. which eventually made me start laughing. looking like a lunatic to all those around me, i regained my composure and started to think about what made me laugh more vividly. it was the image of my good friend Bree Jalijali standing on a chair in our classroom, flapping his AJSS jacket as if it was his wings, portraying a "noble" face. why would this action happen at all? he was imitating the Geryon monster, one of the guardians of one of the levels of hell in Dante's Inferno. then i started thinking, "what the hell were we thinking?" then i suddenly called to mind [with the help of mon] all the stupid, seemingly irrelevant things our ever-evolving class has said and done through the course of our lives. words that only we would understand and would find extremely hilarious. i swear, we need our own dictionary and grammar guide. so, this entry might only be enjoyed by LSGH boys. haha.

around 1998-2000:

"boboshark" - one of the oldest relics in the form of language that can be found in our broad tradition. it intitially started during greg's swimming party when we were playing water tag wherein the "it" is thought of as a shark. i distinctly remember that greg's brother, leo, was seen trying to "eat himself" when he became "it". hence, we called him the boboshark. [i remember that day clearly because it was the same day i gave mon a jericho chin by pushing him from beside the pool, hurling him to hit the side railing.] and so, from then on, boboshark was used to refer to someone stupid or dumb or someone you just plain wanna insult.

Tabrella and TUSK - if the mafia took the form of gradeschoolers, Tabrella would be the Corleone's and TUSK would be the Tattaglia's. Tabrella was us, [back then] the geeks and nerds who weren't really cool. come on, "Tabrella" in itself meant Table-Umbrella since the place where we hung out had tables with umbrellas on 'em [it was even the Tabrella Clang, clang being a mixture of club and gang]. TUSK, on the other hand was the cool, brash, reckless group, aptly named with the last names of its founders: Torres, Umali, Silva, Karl. haha. just to make it sound "better" they made Karl Santos' letter K instead of S. ahhh, i remember the royal rumble wars we used to wage and the "batuhan ng kamias" melees. we even had a day. the Tabrella day. even TUSK members would join us as we played a big-scale game of hide-and-seek where the entire schoolgrounds was the playing field.

Ryan Ferrera - he was my classmate during gradeschool. and i, being the jerk that i am, would tease him. i conjured this kind of a rhyme/song that i'd sing whenever i'd wanna insult him. it sort of caught on. sort of. it went like this: [yes, it had a melody] "si ferrera, basurera, namula kanyang mata sa crispy pata, something something [it had about two more lines.]" why would anybody's eyes turn red from crispy pata?! i think i sucked a lot back then.

"Mama" - this one came around 8 years ago and never EVER left. we had a "family" in our class. there was a "papa" [camillo. who, in turn, is now forever known as Pops], a "mama", mikee and even children and other relatives. for some odd reason, Mama stuck the hardest and until now, we, as his friends, are very very unused to calling him Mikee in school.

"Super Death!" - joel. the contingent of daboise that had to go away. tsk. back then, whenever we'd be in a line, going to an assembly or anywhere else, whenever we'd pass a flight of stairs or any other inclined spot of ground, he'd abruptly push you, hoping you'd fall to your doom. while this is being done, you'd hear him shriek, "SUPER DEATH!" of course, this led to certain variations, the "Chain Death". the "Look-Ma-No-Hands Death" and my personaly favorite, the "Supuer Death" [pronounced "soop-wer"]. he was trying to write a big Super Death on the blackboard. ewan. just to be weird. for some odd reason, he spelled it "Supuer." he'd get so mad whenever we'd tease him with it.

around 2001-2003:

"Gaynerd" - probably the most infamous term in highschool. it refers to those geeky, nerdy, teacher-ass-kissing, presentation-intensifying people who were always on top. yes, by this time, the "Gago group" had been established and a new rivalry had emerged, circa Tabrella/TUSK. and most of us former Tabrella members had matured and had joined the opposition. haha. and so, this Gago Group or Bree Group [Growing Adolescents Going through Obstacles and/or Boys Really Enjoying Enjoyment] pioneered this Gaynerd term. it wouldn't be complete if you didn't say it in this certain way that sort of resembles a foghorn, but a lot more annoying. "NNNGGGGGEEEEEYYYYNNEEEEERRD!!!" this, of course, was to be said after each highly insightful piece of recitation or after every nicely made presentation. the Gaynerds, of course, didn't take this lightly and struck back on the offensive. long story for that one. it was all in the spirit of class unity anyway. hahahaha.

"Where Bear?" - yes. bree was on a roll. he thought up "Where Bear?" basically, it just means "where?" except you had the, uhhh, "bear" to go along just to make it rhyme. or something like that. hehe. this was used often when asking questions regarding wherebearabouts.

"Verto!" - we had a classmate named Norbert. he was very popular. in a sort of "kuwela" sense. at one time, chino and mon heard him being called Verto. and of course, chino and mon, being the resident "pauso" of all time [only rivaled by bree], capitalized. soon, it reached monstrous proportions that it included actions already. whenever you said "Verto!" you had to sort of cross your arms on your chest and make two peace signs that looked like v's. sometimes you even had to kneel down on one foot for emphasis. i have no idea why this went about.

Mike Caseres runs for student council - during 2nd year, our classmate mike ran for Batch Rep. he was campaigning at the time, going door to door, asking for votes. so, he needed a few flyers to take with him. he asked some of our classmates to do it. big mistake. it said" VOTE MIKE" in small font on top then a big "Caseres" in the middle in the girliest script font you can imagine. not just that, it had designs of flowers on the side. goodness. and whenever you'd read the poster, it had to be in this way: you say "VOTE MIKE..." in the deepest voice you can [since mike had a deep voice] than continue with "Caseres!" with gay-est voice you possibly can. no wonder he lost that year.

**

gosh. these are all too long. whew. i'll continue on with part 2 soon. it'll be from 2003 to present. hehe. there lie the good stuff.

blog#116

2006-07-21T20:48:00.001+08:00

hermit

stars looked at up close, through science, can never be as amazing as those seen by the naked eye: dots of wonder and beauty. it's so much more magical to think of these sparkly, bright little spheres that way rather than hot balls of inert and un-inert [?] gases. the thing is, there are just some things in this life one can only appreciate from a distance.

**

my sisters are on dates, my parents are out of town, and my friends are all busy. normally, i'd jump at the chance to go and do something crazy. but that's not the case tonight. i'm burned out. and so, i'm alone tonight. and i haven't been in so long. it's a weird feeling. something i haven't felt in a long time. and so, it feels new. it's like all my thoughts and feelings finally have the time, the silence, and the space to catch up with me. it's rather wonderful... in a lonely kind of sense. i'm not saying i'm all sad and emo right now, i'm just saying, things are clearer when there are no other people blocking your view, no other voices drowning your own, and no other thoughts clouding your own perception. i haven't heard myself think in quite a while. i've been so brash and reckless to just to be able to change that i've lost track of my progress as of late. this night is good for me. haven't devoted a night to myself in a while. no accounting girlfriends. no jamoves. no "steady hits." no words at all.

anyway,

there will always be decisions to be made. paths to be taken. opportunities to be passed up. some roads we are afraid to take so we desperately try to search for another route. a short-cut. and through our blind search, we suddenly realize that we've wasted more time searching than we would have if we had chosen the original path in the first place. and in some cases, we think of how much more convenient it would've been if we had turned right instead of gone straight. the thing is, we'll never know. so between the guy behind us honking profusely, and the bladder inside us, filling up slowly, what's really important is to keep our eyes on the road before us and listen to good music on the way.

**

i had my heights interview a while ago. i think i did well. i'm hoping to get in. cuz one thing i thought of while i walked out of that interview is that I WILL NEVER STOP WRITING. even if it kills me. no other activity gives me as much solace and peace as i write my seemingly senseless ramblings about this God-given life. and so, to all those who i'm sharing this with, i thank you. for having it in you to be interested in what i have to think and say. i'm a complex person, but i think if you read my blog often, you'll prolly know me more than i do myself. hehe.

blog#115

2006-07-13T23:09:00.000+08:00

davey jones

it's actually funny how we think we know what we're doing. it's actually amusing how much we confuse ourselves with so many things when we know that the answers are so clear. it's not really help we need. we already know what we're supposed to do. we just need someone to force us into doing it because we're too afraid.

i can't promise anything... but i am trying. the thing is, i'm as stupid as the rest of us.

"and peter told wendy, 'i'm not worth staying in neverland for.' 'why not?' asked wendy. 'well, i don't know what love is.'... and with that, peter flew away, and the rain began to pour. but all the water from the sky can never compare to the storm of tears coming from wendy darling."

blog#114

2006-07-11T18:33:00.000+08:00

my girlfriend's making me a martyr

what must it be like for, say, Superman when he flies towards the lair of Lex Luthor, knowing that he might not be there anymore for another movie sequel? hell, let's not go too far. what must it be like for a soldier marching to war, aware of his probable death? what thoughts go through the heads of those who are in the moments before life-changing/ending ordeals?

i think i know. thursday is D-day. a time of reckoning. a long test in Accounting. [haha. akala niyo no'?!] my girlfriend's wrath will be felt on that day. how i deal with her will be the ultimate gauge for my scholastic excellence [screw excellence. try survival.]. today i believe i spent 8 hours balancing accounts and solving short problems. and i feel it still isn't enough. i'm nowhere near ready for thursday. and yet, despite imminent hell, i find myself in front of the interactive boob tube playing a game of rant and rave.

there are A LOT of distractions and let-downs all around me right now. there's no sense being emo about all of them. people notice it in my face though. there's a tinge of sadness at the tip of my cheek. the ironic thing is, the one thing that's helped me NOT become emo and has served as my outlet, is Accounting. yes, my girlfriend loves me enough to get me through these tough personal debacles, and i love her equally for it. haha.

it's tough when your parents both have good math skills and you're given the odd, recessive gene of... artsy-fartsy-ness. believe me, this time, i'm trying my very best to do my very best. but like that old song goes, "i did my best, but i guess my best wasn't good enough..." haha. sometimes, it's either 'you got it or you don't'. anything math related is really NOT my cup of tea. i think i'd do better in any other subject. sigh. i'd seriously rather do a long paper rather than go through another balance sheet. but then, as far as cliches go, 'you gotta do what you gotta do'. haha.

so here i go. off to do another long problem. please let this week be over. i'm looking forward to so many good things this weekend. please please please.

blog#113

2006-07-05T16:50:00.000+08:00

conservation of conversation

studying [well, spacing out during..] Communication Theory has inspired me and has opened up my so-called social imagination [wait, didn't i get that from Sociology?]. haha. hence, i went about observing what Ateneans talk about during their free time. in the long walks in between classes and during breaks, we students, as humans often do, converse and relate with each other to feed our social appetite and keep ourselves from boredom.

Top 7 Typical Atenean Conversations:

7) "Shet, di pa ko kumakain!" -- hunger is a big issue in our school. all those boring lectures and arduous school work equal one grumpy tummy. it's no wonder that on any given time during the day, one will find him/herself groggily looking for a spot in the cafeteria since it's always friggin' full. that is unless you're "cool" enough to have a specific table assigned to you and your posse permanently. the spot wouldn't be the problem, it would be what to eat: something that complies to the norms of cool-dom, and isn't extra squeeze on your love handles.

6) "Uy! Pahiram naman ng Season [insert number] ng [insert name of series]!" -- you're at home. you're in the middle of the delicate process of procrastination. you've got a handful of popcorn and a brainful of... anything but schoolstuff, what do you do? stock up on dvd's! yeah, TV's numero uno on the list of popular procrastination activities. and of course, with the sudden influx of so many "compelling" TV shows, one needs have his or her bell rung when names like Chad Michael Murray or Mischa Barton are mentioned in order to keep up with conversation.

5) "Putang Ina mehn! Talo Brazil!" -- yes, there's a disease hitting Ateneo. it'll make you more delirious than any case of flu known to man. it's aptly named World Cup Fever. everyone seems to have gotten on the bandwagon. suddenly, like a flash of lightning, people know terms like Offside, Penalty Kicks, and Ronaldinho. whether it's Kaka making the ladies swoon, or Henry upsetting the universal favorites, "World Cup" will surely be a mainstay in Atenean lingo................... for the next two weeks. haha.

4) "JAMOVES!" -- no, people don't go around shouting "JAMOVES!" [unless you're part of daboise or jagurls] it's more an act that uses words and body language as media. from HHWW [holding-hands-while-walking], to IHNTSTYBILYBITSTDAAI [i-have-nothing-to-say-to-you-because-i-like-you-but-i'm-too-shy/stupid-to-do-anything-about-it], jamoves is a part of Ateneo culture. come on, raging teenage hormones + co-ed environment = poor excuses to flirt.

3) "Pucha! Grabe! Tangina! Ang hot ni [insert name of someone hot]!" -- number three on the list puts new meaning to the saying, "those who can't do, t-- TALK." yeah, unfortunately, A LOT of us Atenean blokes [like myself], don't really have too many opportunities for jamoves in school unless we REALLY REALLY want to be pathetic and obvious about it. and so, we just verbally share our frustrations and longings regarding our seemingly insatiable INAL-ness [Inal. "e-nal" v. to long for luvin', literally means I Need A Lover. used in sentences like, "shet! naiinal na ako!"] and usually, one can't talk about anyone else privately without anybody else listening. so aliases are made. yes, guys do it too. from Hubad to DB9 to Cute Short Hair to Unreasonably White to David Hasslehoff to Labor Day to whatever! hahaha.

2) "iPod" -- why socialize in the first place? talking is over-rated! you can always drown yourself in your own world of music and feeling. just be careful, you're not on American Idol. take it easy on the emo eyes, hand gestures, and public singing.

1) "ANG INIT!" -- wet underarms. sweaty faces. weary walking. curses at the sun and Philippine weather. these are the most familiar scenes on a typical school day. the saying "Beat the Heat" is an impossible feat [unless in NBA context. {sorry joel, i just HAD to say that.}]. i never go to school without a small towel in my bag, and this has resulted to me being called a tsuper [since i put the towel on my shoulder for easy access {plus the fact that i'm always ALWAYS the driver in any group that needs transportation}] quite a few times. haha. anyway, you've never experienced heat unless you've felt it on a hot Atenean school day.

**

yeah, that's about it. i was gonna add a whole other topic too, my internal debate whether i should join Kythe or Heights as my 3rd org this year, but i figured it'd be too long already. soooo, next time. hehe.

blog#112

2006-07-02T22:12:00.000+08:00

hello hello

life is gorgeous, broken glass. through the pain, each step and drop of blood is a testament to the strength of man. man that has fought gods and saved worlds for love. to tread the goliath waves of the sea of love is a choice only fools make. fools who die ripe like daisies, blooming and marvelous. children of hell might escape time and all possibility just for the heart and face of an angel. - anon.

indirect dedications?

**

i've got a girlfriend. she's quite demanding. i have to be there for her 24/7. no matter how much i try to please her, she always seems to want more from me. she's there with me in the oddest ways, usually, at times of great distress and trials. i'm losing myself in her, becoming a slave. sigh. it's tough love.

her name's Accounting 15, and i'm trying my very best to love her. it's a committment.

**

grrr. i feel a writer's block coming on. one cure for that: surveys! hahaha.

01. What was the last popup you had on your computer for? for yahoo messenger.
02. What is the worst you have ever been physically hurt? i broke a finger. ooh, and i got my ass kicked back in gradeschool.
03. Emotionally? had to hurt the person i felt deeply for.
04. If you could be famous for something, what would it be for? for writing. or for saving the world. or for being "cool."
05. What was the last movie you watched? tokyo drift.
06. Have you tried anything new today? hmm, i watched like 10 episodes of Wonder Years in one sitting.
07. Who did you share your last real conversation with? joei.
08. What and when was the last party you've been to? charmie's debut, i guess.
09. Are you at all tired? i'm always lethargic. it's a perpetual feeling.
10. When was the last time you brushed your hair? i'm guessing two and a half years ago.
11. Do you watch any tv shows religiously? Lost!
12. What is the coolest thing about your bedroom? i have the softest bed ever. everyone falls asleep instantly in my room. i think there's some chloroform in the air, circulating.
13. What is one thing you are constantly told? "don't worry. it'll come."
14. Is there anything you hate to think about? career plans.
15. Do you own a lot of shoes? yyes. i guess.
16. Have you done anything illegal this week? hehehehe. yup.
17. Do you have sleepovers on school nights? How about last night? i guess it can be considered a sleepover since people started sleeping and ended up leaving at around 4am.
18. Are good grades a priority for you? until a few weeks ago, they weren't really a big priority.
19. Would you consider yourself a "nice" person? yes. i'm "nice."
20. What was the best dream you've ever had? a reoccurring dream where i went out with some celebrity. i think it was claire forlani.
21. Do you watch your weight? i am what i eat.
22. What are 3 items that can always be found on your person? the string around my neck. wallet. underwear.
23. Are you looking forward to tomorrow? yes! [sarcasm] i get to watch lake house again [/sarcasm]!
24. What was the last tv show you've seen? The Wonder Years. love it.
25. Do you like this survey? it's alright.
26. Have you ever caught a firefly? yup. they're pretty easy to catch.
27. Describe your current state of mind in 2 words: melted, umm, mush.
28. What was the last cute thing you saw? i dunno. kevin arnold trying to get winnie cooper jealous. [watch wonder years!]
29. What is something you consider overrated? dwyane wade.
30. When was the last time you crashed on a couch? last night. whew. that was intense.
31. Do you currently have a job? working on it. seriously, i am.
32. What makes a bed comfortable to you? i dunno, lots of pillows and a helluva soft matress.
33. Do certain movies make you cry? not really. maybe finding neverland and crash.
34. Certain songs? it depends on the mood, i guess.
35. Would you consider your life mundane? most times, it most certainly is.

blog#111

2006-06-26T19:13:00.000+08:00

post modernism

man's quest for what he doesn't know and what he doesn't have will ultimately destroy him. - anon.

today i imagined i saved the world.

an evil man with long, flowing hair was taking over the world. he was dressed up like he came from a Final Fantasy game: a cape with fancy embroidery, an armor plated chest with a crest that symbolized power, gauntlets, and a long, long sword in its holster by his side. but most importantly, he had long flowing hair. it danced along with the wind.

for some reason, it seemed as if he and i had some sort of history. it was like at a point in my life, i had known him and he had been dear to me. (just as all hero/anti-hero scenarios go)

cities were in ruins and hundreds of millions had died in his hand, including people i had cared about. it had been a long journey, but with the help of some compatriots, i was finally at the final stage. on a meadow in the outskirts of a city, we stood far enough from each other not to see the expression on the other's face, but near enough to feel that this would be the end for one of us. moonlight struck the meadow of white flowers that surrounded us, shimmering silver.

what was i doing this for? i could easily just walk away and hide from all this. i could just let him take over the world and live my own quiet life somewhere far, far away where even his plots would not reach. was i doing it for the world? for the people? for the ones whom not once have shown any compassion for one another? for peace? for freedom? for love? i had fallen in love with one of my compatriots. a beautiful young woman with a perfect face and a perfect heart. the kind of girl only drawn and animated. the kind of girl who dwells only in the imaginations of the idealistic. yes, i had fallen in love with her. so maybe, besides peace and freedom, i was doing this for love.

i drew my sword.

an orchestra of intense choir voices with musical accompaniment suddenly cued.

"i'm not going to let you do this...."

a flash of light.

we clashed...and the battle was on.

we fought. hand on hand. foot on foot. sword on sword. one on one. good versus evil. the epic battle of history.

a flash of light.

as i thrusted and parried, i thought of her. my fair lady. my princess. i thought that maybe after all this, i could take her to see the stars one night. she and i, and the stars.

sparks came from the crashing swords. far away, one could see clouds of smoke and dust from all the times we've struck each other and fallen on the cold ground.

he was doing doing this for power. i was doing it for peace, for freedom, and love. i held the banner of idealism, while he fashioned the flag of practicality and reality. i was the good one and he was the evil one. his hair still danced impeccably with the cold breeze.

a flash of light. slow motion.

a white flower slowly faded into red.

i had been stabbed.

his hair danced in the cold, cold breeze.

falling down, i recollected all the things that had happened that led to this very moment. i thought of the time someone had told me that i was the one. i thought of the journey i had made going from place to place discovering new ways to defeat my foe and meeting comrades along the way. i recalled the cheesy nights and the cliche days that i had fighting, losing, winning, repeating.

"you are no match for me. with you out of the way, my evil plan will be completed. soon, yadiyadiyadiyah the world blahblahblah and will be mine etcetcetcetc."

bad guys talk too much.

cringing nad near death, i lay on the floor of that silver meadow. i once again thought of why i was doing this and who i was doing this for.

i imagined the people liberated and a new world worder with peace and harmony. and i imagined her and the stars.

i got up, slowly and groggily and resumed battle stance.

the choir sounds got louder, more intense.

i was charging up my power, slowly becoming more and more powerful. a visible aura of light could now be seen flowing around me.

my foe's hair shot up with the wind as he began to hold his ground.

"grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggh!!!"

a flash of light.

silence.

a flash of my muse's face.

a flash of the people who don't care, hailing me for saving them and their pointless lives.

a flash of light.... and darkness.

and with that, i had done it. my foe, lay on a bed of dandelions and begonias, lifeless.

my bloodstained sword glimmered pink in the moonlight.

the ending began.

blog#110

2006-06-20T23:30:00.000+08:00

the nerd

you've never felt real heat and humidity until you've studied in "the" Ateneo. participating in the Death March would be a lot more fun than walking around Ateneo at high noon. well, anyway, despite the lack of breath, the excess of sweat, and the repetitive bellows of "tangina, ang init! it's like a furnace," there's a refreshing feeling to be back in school. i'll have to admit, having gone through my first summer without any entire-summer activities, it's been a pretty long vacation. it was filled with action, adventure, new friends, j for vendetta, etc. hence, its effect on the present schoolyear: it was kinda good that i did all i could and went out as much as i could during summer because it made me pacify all the intensity, the hormones, and the general longing to live an outrageous teenage life.

so now, with a certain level of dismay, there's nothing more to do than be a nerd.

it's only the second day and i've already been studying for hours. HOURS.

i plan to get at LEAST a 3.6+ QPI this semester. it may just be hoping for too much, but as my friend Dre would say, "reach for the stars. though you might not get there, you'll still find yourself on the moon." it sounded kinda awkward the first time i heard it [coming from dre, of course] but it really has a good "message" attached to it.

and so, to support this whimsical dream i am trying to realize, i've taken the initiative to sit in front in each of my classes, take good notes, and study thoroughly every night.

but then again, i do this at the start of every schoolyear, how can this be any different? "ningas kugon," i believe, is what they call this terrible, fatal condition i am inflicted with.

sigh. so wish me luck an pray for me. this semester's a big one.

back to Accounting.....

blog#109

2006-06-15T15:31:00.000+08:00

who's afraid of the big bad wolf?

it's tough. nothing's ever easy. but i AM trying my hardest. i'm fighting. it's funny cuz number 10 on my last entry is dedicated to myself, among other people. haha.

The Japanese Sunset Burns Like Wildfire

The Japanese Sunset burns like wildfire.
Never has terror and beauty walked
together, arm in arm.
Two million hues of yellow and four
million shades of red.
The final farewell of a day lived
with agony and bliss.
The first greeting of a night of
dreams and darkness alike.
God is a painter whose palette is
our sight; canvas, the sky.
My shadow towers over me like a
predator disguised as my muse.
The clouds walk with me as I
chase the waning sun.
She leaves me with the promise of tomorrow.
Marvel is fleeting and
love,
the Japanese Sunset.

**

though it only lasts a moment, you should see how beautiful a Japanese sunset is. hahaha.

blog#108

2006-06-11T19:08:00.000+08:00

ten things i hate about you

i did this a year ago. yes. almost exactly one year ago. a little more even. so let's make this an annual thing...

here's how it goes. write 10 things about 10 people. it can be anything, a description, a secret, a confession or an address. you cannot, under any circumstances, say to whom the messages are addressed to.

1) come home and let's you and i eat pizza and watch movies together. hahaha.

2) i think you grew up too fast. no matter how much i try to inflict a little child-like sense in you, there's no wonder in anything you see. you need to meet james barrie. haha.

3) we've got about 12 months to go before our day of reckoning. i seriously, seriously think i'm not going to make it as of now. but hey, 12 months is a long time. let me look for a ride first. i can almost hear the wine glasses clinking.

4) i'm happy for you and everything you've done to maintain what you have. haha. thanks for our most recent talk. it helped me a lot. A LOT. we need to rekindle our almost-dead friendship. long neck and grandma? hehehe.

5) you seriously need to start reassessing what you want to do with your life. i'm so, so much younger than you but i feel like i've got more direction than you do. and that shouldn't be the case. oh, and stop prolonging the inevitable.

6) you could be the one.

7) i'm glad we've finally started to connect [even just a little bit] after so so long. i want to thank you for making an effort to do so and for trying your best to understand me. i want you to know that i'm doing the same thing.

8) *sings Please Don't Turn Me On*

9) sometimes i wonder what would've happened if you hadn't left at all. thanks for helping me at the peak of my "angsty youth." i hope you haven't changed a bit [cuz i have, a lot] and i hope we can talk soon.

10) sometimes you should just let go. like i said, we fight hard to hold on, we fight hard to let go. the difference is, when you hold on, you may never stop fighting. and i tell you, it's a losing battle. but if you find the strength and courage to just let go, peace and solace will follow. then you can start anew.

blog#107

2006-06-07T20:54:00.000+08:00

tomb raider

okay. it's time for the Cambodia story i mentioned in the previous entry.

first of all, i loved Cambodia. it made me feel like Angelina Jolie. haha. well, not the big boobs and the pouty lips, the affinity for all things Cambodian. there's just something about the whole place that really makes you catch your elusive soul.

so we were walking around Angkor Thom when it began to rain like crazy. i mean cats and dogs and goats crazy. when it rains as hard as that, even the huge, 50-foot trees towering around like temple guardians won't provide enough shelter for you. and so, we went around in the rain like maniacs, looking for shelter until this Cambodian family running an open-air yet roofed tiangge shop somewhere close offered their closed shop. so there we were, listening to the angry rain on their plastic roof. it was kind of awkward since we couldn't talk all that much with them. we were just there, waiting for the rain to stop, glancing every now and then at the family, feeding their small baby. after a while, i decided to look around their small, dark shop. i decided to buy a few things. it was the least we could do. haha. after around 20-30 minutes, the rain still wouldn't let up and our car was nohwere to be found, and so, the family offered to let us use some of their umbrellas to get to our car. but in the moment, our car suddenly pulled over right in front of us. haha. what luck. but then again, i may be sentimental and cheesy, but i'm grateful for the kindness offered to us by that family. haha.

this was one of the kids of the Cambodian family, dancing in the rain.

okay, so the next day, we were going around one of the other temples around the area when i decided i was exhausted and sat down. out of nowhere, as if a ghost, this little girl comes out and starts selling me some bracelets. she was quite persistent even though i told her i didn't want any bracelets. she was smart and could speak english well. after a few minutes of small talking with her [apparently, they're all taught how to ask "where are you from, sir?" to be able to relate with their customers better. marketing strategists, these kids], she opened up her little bag and produced a small piece of paper with a drawing of the cambodian flag on it, she handed it to me and told me i could have it for free. well, after that, i just had to buy her bracelets. i didn't have any money at the time so i told her that i'd look for my dad and then i'd come back for her. i promised her that i'd buy her bracelets. i guess she figured a lot of other tourists use that line to get little-girl-souvenir-sellers away from them. she walked away. haha. and so, after obtaining a dollar [yes, i didn't even have a dollar with me], i searched the temple for the little girl. the look on her face when i found her and bought her bracelets was priceless. haha. argh. umm. yeah. once again, i know it's nothing much, but it's these little things that get to you, you know?

the little girl

so there it is. two short chapters from the book of my adventures in Cambodia. a lot more happened, of course. more rain. elephants. shows. blessings and prayers from a Buddhist monk. lots. bottom line, did i find my soul during the trip? did i complete the change? well, i was able to do a LOT, and i mean A LOT of thinking during the trip [and just as much writing].

pages filled.

so yes, i think i was able to see myself from another standpoint. a glimpse of my soul. it's like you're given ten thousand pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. and they're yours in the most random, messed up manner ever. you have no idea what you're trying to make. but then, you still try to piece it all together. suddenly, even though no form has taken, some divine intervention tells you what the big picture is. so now, you can't see it, but you know what it is. and you still hafta work on it. so now, i guess can see the big picture a lot more clearly. haha.

piece by piece baby.

blog#106

2006-06-03T22:06:00.000+08:00

i'm locked out of my hotel room so i decided to just blog. hehe.

mister saigon

this is taken from the little travel journal i always bring along with me [it took me like 2 hours to write this all]:

there's something about going around a foreign city alone that makes you get in touch with your soul. and i guess, in a way, that's been the point of this trip, this summer. today, i went around Saigon/Ho Chi Minh on my own. my dad went to the gym at our hotel so that gave me around 3 hours of undeniable freedom in saigon. and so, armed with a million dong [i never thought i'd be a millionaire by 18], a camera, and a sense of adventure, i set out and just went where my feet would take me..

i began walking around and found this corner where these street vendors were selling these exotic food items. bearing a strong stomach and an even stronger sense of curiosity, i sampled some of these food items. salty. sweet. sour. poop-inducing. that's all i can remember. haha. i trudged along the main road, hoping not to be run over by one of the three million [yes, literally] scooters running about.

i reached this big main market/tiangge with a lot of novelty items, clothes, jewelry, and food. now, going around this area, i noticed the people more than the goods for sale. the way they talked, related with one another, and generally the way they existed. haha. it's weird cuz the whole tiangge is nothing new to the eyes of a Filipino shopper. everything you see there can be purchased at greenhills, at quiapo, at divisoria, and elsewhere. and yet, i stll felt like i was treading in unchartered territory. i guess it's cuz i'm so used to the thingsd back home that everything loses color and i just see things in black and white. here in saigon, everything is a wonder to me, no matter how stupid and simple it may be. i never bought anything in the market. cuz like i said, i can get everything better and cheaper back home. if i'm buying anything, it has to be original and different.

as i went about my business, i could no longer keep my eyes from the men on every street who keep talking to me, asking me if i wanted to rent their scooters to go around the city. now i have no idea how to ride a scooter, [and i tell you, traffic there is crazy. they have no idea what road courtesy is.] but i thought to myself, what the hell. and so, around a few blocks i went on the scooter. after almost getting into an accident a few times and almost running over a few people, i decided to get off and try to disappear.

i found myself entering this bar called 74-A. it was a quaint little place. dark and rather empty. it had a TV up on the bar so i stuck around and had a beer. i didn't quite make friends with the bartender and it was mainly cuz of the language barrier. or maybe he just didn't like me. whatever it was, i saw from his body language that he didn't really want me to be in his bar so i gulped down my drink and headed out.

now if i only found the red light district, we'd be in business. haha. but unfortunately, i didn't.

so two and a half hours of adventuring later, i decided to head back to the hotel. tired yet fulfilled, here i am, writing all this down for my blog. i'm trying to think of an artsy ending for this journal entry but i can't. so whatever. [insert something emo/artsy here]

**

hahaha. i'll continue this again. i have a great story from here in Cambodia.

blog#105

2006-05-28T20:47:00.000+08:00

life or something like it

it's funny how things work out. i was here before, writing a really long entry about my previous adventures. and yes, they are stories worth telling. my solo escapades during the hongkong nights i lived through [which included hot-girl massages! yess!]. my daring ethan-hunt-mission-impossible-like escape from home just to be able to go out with friends. my trip to EK and Tagaytay on the same day with daboise and dagoils [?]. i was even going to put a portion on my thoughts on the NBA, on Lost, on American Idol. but then, it just happened. i just clicked Ctrl+A and pressed that little button called Delete. yes, i will tell the stories of my life. i will. but not through here. not to everybody.

"when you travel in the speed of life, you lose the sense of feeling. you get so numb that sometimes, you have to crash into each other just to feel anything at all."

life's been catching up with me lately. summer's been a blast, but i can't help but fret because i know everything's temporary and everything i've done in summer has just been one big diversion. a cover-up. an outlet. a timeout from the ballgame. i guess life is not a straight line after all. it's a series of advances, retreats, and missed turns.

**

when i hit puberty, i had this special friend. she wasn't my girlfriend or anything, but i found i could tell her anything in the universe. once, i asked her if things were ever going to change [cuz i loved the friendship i had with her]. she told me that eventually, it would. but then, she also said that i shouldn't worry about that. she told me that years from now, no matter how close or far away we'd be from each other, i would still remember that night we had that conversation. and even though everything else in the world would change, that memory would remain always. [of course, she didn't tell it in such an emo dawson's creek-like way as i've portrayed here] it's funny cuz i've never thought of that talk again until recently, as i went through old pictures and letters. i guess she was right. hahaha. we don't talk anymore and she is a million miles away, but still, the memory of that conversation five years ago remains. and that, i hope, will never change.

this thursday, i'm leaving with my dad for five days. this will probably be the last chapter of my soul-search-summer and i'm wondering what will become of me after. something tells me this trip's got more to it than i'm expecting. will i be "transmogrified" by monday night? i'm not sure. i kinda hope so. sigh. they say change is never easy. you fight to hold on. you fight to let go. sigh sigh sigh. we think that the stars in the sky are fixed, but actually, they are not. sometimes, we all just have to give in to change.

blog#104

2006-05-18T14:51:00.000+08:00

"cool"

the "party lifestyle" really isn't for me. it's consuming me. making me stupid [yes, i look at my most recent entries and see how crappy they all are]. destroying my virtues and morals. and it's really getting in the way of my bumming around time [a period which i hold practically above all else]. i haven't gone out this much since.... ever. every night it's something new, something "cool", something to keep me from sulking alone at home. i guess, on some level, it really is a lot of fun. but then again, in the back of my mind, while i'm drinking, dancing with two left feet and a buzzed head, "appeasing" my raging hormones, i can't help think: "what am i doing here?" hahaha. i'm not "cool" enough for such an exotic way of life.

survey

due to the incessant atrophying of my brain, i've decided to complete a couple of surveys. just to get the braincells kicking again. expect a much more coherent entry next time.

What's your name spelt backwards?: j.

What did you do last night?: watched lost episode 21. read. played NBA live '06.

The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?: blackbird (acoustic) - the beatles.

Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?: yes.

Last time you swam in a pool?: december '05.

What are you wearing?: jersey and shorts.

How many cars have you owned?: i don't have any cars of my own.

Type of music you dislike most?: house. i'm sorry. i'm not "cool".

Are you registered to vote?: not quite yet.

Do you have cable?: yyup.

What kind of computer do you use?: dell pc.

Ever made a prank phone call?: yes. ghost sounds. hehe.

You like anyone right now?: i honestly don't know.

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?: yes.

Furthest place you ever traveled?: cape town.

What's your favorite comic strip?: calvin and hobbes. i've never seen such an intelligent stuffed tiger, let alone such a perceptive 6-year old.

Do u know all the words to the national anthem?: yes.

Shower, morning or night?: afternoon. when it's the hottest.

Best movie you've seen in the past month?: match point.

Favorite pizza toppings?: everything except peppers and onions.

Chips or popcorn?: popcorn!

What cell phone provider do you have?: globe.

Have you ever smoked peanut shells?: what?

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?: smart guy '94! mr.photogenic! take that!

Orange Juice or apple?: orange.

Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?: my sisters.

favorite chocolate bar?: snickers cruncher.

Who is your longest friend and how long?: mon gelvezon. hahaha. kinder 1.

Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?: never have.

Have you ever won a trophy?: yup.

Favorite arcade game?: shooting games.

Ever ordered from an infomercial?: nope.

Sprite or 7-UP?: sprite.

Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?: yes.

Last thing you bought at Walgreens?: what's walgreens?

Ever thrown up in public?: yes.

Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?: neither.

Do you believe in love at first sight?: nope.

SPONGEBOB OR JIMMY NEUTRON?: spongebob. i hate, i HATE jimmy neutron.

Did you have long hair as a young kid?: sort of?

What message is on your voicemail machine?: it used to go "do not be afraid! it is only an
answering machine. leave your message after the beep." this was cuz us filipinos seem to be afraid of answering machines. why is that? anyway, now, we don't have one anymore. haha.

Where would you like to go right now?: angkor wat.

What's the name of your pet?: Maximillion. i love naming pets. i'm trying to get my sister to name our new bulldog Paris but i don't think she likes it too much.

What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it?: jansport. nothing.

What do you think about most?: i think about too many things.

II.

*******SIMPLE QUESTIONS*******

1. FULL NAME: jose ricardo diaz abastillas.
2. NICKNAMES: j. jay. jay-r. jay-ar. jose. yaj.
3. EYES: black.
4. HEIGHT: 5'7" and 1/2.
5. HAIR: black.
6. SIBLINGS: three sisters.
7. DO YOU LIKE TO SING IN THE SHOWER?: no.
8. DO YOU LIKE TO SING IN THE TOILET?: hmm. sounds intriguing.
9. BIRTHDATE: 3/11/88.
10. SIGN: pisces.
11. ADDRESS: philippines.
12. SEX: male.
13. RIGHTY OR LEFTY: right. an ambidextrous hopeful.
14. WHAT DO YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP? this qualifies as a "simple question"? trust. effort. connection.
15. HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED?: in a test? yeah.
17. DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: i drive one. but it isn't exactly mine.

> > >*******FAVORITE QUESTIONS*******

19. MOVIE: finding neverland and eternal sunshine.
20. SONG: iris by the goo goo dolls and shimmer by fuel.
21. BAND/SINGER: goo goo dolls.
22. TV SHOW: lost. the wonder years. friends. the simpsons.
23. ACTOR: johnny depp.
24. ACTRESS: jessica alba.
25. FOOD: japanese, thai and italian.
26. NUMBER: 1. 6. 26.
27. CARTOON: calvin and hobbes.
28. DISNEY CHARACTER: stitch?
29. COLOR: blue. silver.

> > >*******LOVE LIFE ETC*******

30. DO YOU PLAN ON HAVING CHILDREN?: yes.
31. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?: yes.
33. HOW OLD DO YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU GET MARRIED? 25 or 26?
34. WOULD YOU HAVE KIDS BEFORE MARRIAGE?: nope.
35. DO YOU HAVE A BF/GF? no.
37. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?: depends on what a crush really is. its definition's become distorted already.

> > >*****EITHER-OR (PICK WHICH ONE YOU PREFER)

38. MUSIC/TV: music.
39. GUYS/GIRLS: i'm not gay.
40. GREEN/BLUE: blue.
41. PINK/PURPLE: purple.
42. SUMMER/WINTER: summer.
43. NIGHT/DAY: night.
44. HANGIN OUT/CHILLIN: "chill". hehe.
45. DOPEY/FUNNY: funny.

> > >*******ALL ABOUT YOU*******

46. WEIRD SAYING YOU HAVE: i don't know. i say a lot of things. and they're all weird.
47. WHAT SCHOOL DO YOU GO TO?: AdMU.
48. HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN DRUGS?: nope.
49. WHAT'S A MAJOR TURN-ON FOR YOU?: physically, lips. other than that, good grammar. yes. good grammar and diction turns me on.
50. HOW FAR WOULD YOU GO ON A FIRST DATE?: tagaytay? hahaha. yes, screw the original context.
51. WHICH 5 PEOPLE ARE YOU OPEN WITH AND TRUST THE MOST?:
1) God
2) daboise
3) the "dads"
4)
5)
[yeah, i have trust issues i guess]
52. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SOUL MATES? i don't know. they sound cool.
53. IS IT RIGHT TO FLIRT IF YOU HAVE A BF/GF?: don't initiate. reciprocate.
54. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU CRIED OR GOT TEARYABOUT?: elliot yamin got eliminated!
55. SOMETHING ABOUT GUYS/GIRLS YOU JUST hate? "these games we play."
56. ARE YOU HAPPY? yes!
57. WHY?: because in a little while, i'll be going out for McDo. oh, and Ate Pam's coming home tonight!
58. WHAT'S AN OBJECT YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT?: food. duh. hahaha. hmmm, i guess media.
59. LOVE OR LUST?: both. hehehe.
60. SILVER OR GOLD?: silver.
61. DIAMOND OR PEARL?: diamond.
62. SUNSET OR SUNRISE? sunset.
63. HAVE YOU EVER GONE SKINNY-DIPPING?: no.
64. DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS?: nope. not anymore.
67.AnY PIERCINGS?: nope.
68. WHAT COLOR UNDIES ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?: white. hehe.
69. WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?: i'm yours - jason mraz
70. WHAT ARE THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR CELLPHONENUMBER?: the name of a girl i used to have the biggest, most pathetic crush on.
71. WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON?: i want to go... sky diving!
72. WHOM DO YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFEWITH? i have no idea.
73. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THEOPPOSITE SEX?: the face. eyes. smile. lips. ooh, and the way that person speaks.
74. WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: very very simple things. ako'y mababaw.
75???
76. WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU GONNA GET?: the new goo goo dolls album.
77. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS OR GLASSES?: used to. lost them.
78. WHAT'S THE BEST ADVICE GIVEN TO YOU?: steady ka lang.
79. HAVE YOU EVER WON ANY SPECIAL AWARDS?: yes. "special" awards.
80. WHAT ARE YOUR FUTURE GOALS? to get future goals. hehe.
81. WORST SICKNESS YOU EVER HAD?: fevers here and there. had this mental thing for a short time, but i got over that quickly.
82. DO YOU LIKE FUNNY OR SCARY MOVIES BETTER?: both.
83. ON THE PHONE OR IN PERSON?: in person.
84. HUGS OR KISSES?: hugs.
85. WHAT SONG SEEMS TO REFLECT YOU THE MOST?: para sa'yo - parokya ni edgar. i'm still here - john rzeznik. because i got high - afroman.
86. IF YOU DIE TOMORROW- WHO WOULD YOU LEAVEEVERYTHING TO? my mom.
87. DO YOU HAVE ANY ENEMIES?: i don't think so.
88. WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?: dawn of the dead zombies.
89. WOULD YOU RATHER BE RICH OR FAMOUS?: neither. they both entail too many problems.
90. WHAT TIME IS IT IN ALBANIA NOW?: i don't know.
91. IF YOU HAD 24 HOURS LEFT TO LIVE, WHO WOULD YOUSPEND THAT TIME WITH?: i'll try to see everyone.
92. HAVE YOU MET SANTA?: yes!
93. IF E.T. KNOCKED ON YOUR DOOR HOLDING UP A PEACE SIGN ASKING TO USE YOUR PHONE WHAT WOULD YOU DO?: "putang ina!" then i'd run, grab something, anything, and smack him.
94. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TALKED TO THE PERSONYOU LIKED?: i don't know.
95. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?: yes.
96. WHATS YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS?: j.aventurero@gmail.com
97. LAST TIME YOU WERE DEPRESSED?: a few days ago i guess.
98. ARE YOU AN ALCOHOLIC?: this summer's making me one!
99. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?: i just found it off someone's blog
100. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT PERSON?: i don't know the person. he/she was probably bored like me.
101. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK?: yeah, sure.

blog#103

2006-05-13T02:29:00.000+08:00

bite the dust

here's a list of things i want to happen in case i die really soon. the stupid things. but nevertheless, still things i want done. hehe. not that i think i'm gonna die or anything, just thought i'd have it written down.. just in case.

1) i want somebody to get the best entries of my blog, my notebooks, my random ramblings from all sources and compile them into one "book" or something.

2) i want all my guy friends to get chicks during my wake and/or funeral.

3) i want jau to keep logging onto friendster as me. who knows? i might get more testimonials if i die. hahahaha.

4) i want a concert during my funeral.

5) i want to every issue of FHM and UNO that i have to go to joel since it all came from him in the first place.

6) i want to be able to pick the pictures that'll be placed on top of my coffin during my wake. i wonde rhow that's possible.

7) i want a tv and dvd player in the room of my wake. so that my visitors won't get bored. hehe.

8) i want someone to visit me at the cemetery once a week.

9) i want to have a scholarship/chairty fund named after me. hehehe.

10) i want to be remembered. cuz i don't think there are lots of things worse than living, dying, then being forgotten. it's like your life never really mattered.

**

anyway, it's pretty obvious i'm "sabog" right now. i'm sorry for the sudden incoherent and irrelevant entry.

so sick

"cool ako" for suddenly liking this song. it reminds me of someone. nothing emo. it's just that she'd do these nice little dance moves as the chorus would go on. i'd go bonkers.

i have to shut myself up. the effin' summer itch is getting to me. it'll all be over once june arrives. and everything will be back to normal. it's just the itch. nothing else. it's nothing real. this lapse of intensity [or lack thereof?] will soon end. i'm sorry again for the sudden incoherent and irrelevant entry.

blog#102

2006-05-06T18:30:00.000+08:00

kalayaan

the more fear one has, the more courage one can amass

in our youth, freedom is a concept we think we understand. it is something we constantly yearn for, hence the coined terms "teenage angst" and "youth rebellion". actually, we have no idea what freedom really is. truth be told, if we knew what freedom is, we'd be afraid of it. absolutely afraid. and in some level, though we try not to show it, we are afraid. we have a small snippet of what this bewildering idea is through our everyday environment. and yet, the vast unknown is still frightening, so we take unconscious precautions just to keep ourselves sheltered in our own little cages. we cry and cry and cry until someone comes and constricts us in thick blankets and rocks us to slumber. we call out and call out until somebody enters our room at night and constricts us under our seemingly protective sheets [a process which we also call the art of "tucking in"] somebody's always there to "constrict" us from movement. that which we think is holding us back from a world of adventure is actually protecting us from it. we need to learn how to swim before we jump overboard. thus, we will always be a little dependent.

lately, the idea of freedom has become a little brighter than it has before. and all it did to me is make me even more afraid. yes. i'm scared to take risks. i'm scared to plunge into what seems to be oblivion. i want somebody to tuck me in and tell me that i'll be alright once i jump in. courage is my insatiable thirst. no matter how much i drink, i always seem to need some more. i must have a hole in my esophagus or something.

a many splendored thing

there's nothing more eye-roll-combined-with-sigh-of-either-pity-or-disgust inducing than reading about somebody else's failed love escapades. not too many people are interested to read emotional outpours of the same damn situations unless they include a lot of phrases like "fuck you, you fucking loser, go to fucking hell and fuck everyone there you fucking slutty fucker." [see, i got you reading!]. come on, you actually enjoy reading...

"blah blah blah i'm heart-broken. blah blah blah the heart still beats. blah blah blah i wish things would just go back to the way they were. blah blah blah i love her too much but i have to let her go. blah blah blah"???

this is why, for quite a while now, i've tried to avoid emo love stories [or at least keep them to a minimum] because i know how much of a pain it is to read[i can't believe i used to write like that ALL the time]. so forgive me for this slight spill but i just feel that there's a little need to do so, just to keep things fresh. i'll try to do it quickly.

idle summer days are reminding me of how much it sucks being single. i guess it gets kinda lonely especially when you're alone at home, being pathetic, reading friendster profiles, checking out blogs and multiply's. i'm suffering from the summer itch. this little bug bites me every summer. [okay, i promise the next line's as emo as i'll get. and it's the last line too] i guess i need somebody.

blog#101

2006-05-01T19:44:00.000+08:00

changes

the moment my dad became a tempest of silver tears, i knew the process was near completion. i have never been one to say what i needed to say at the right moment of saying it. i have never been one to truly express in perfect, non-slurring sentences my inner-most sentiments [women who have gazed directly at the eyes of this monster will tell you that. hah!]. i have always been a bigger secret than i let on. i have never been as strong nor as assertive as i may have portrayed to the world around me. i've always been the pirates' shipwrecked-looking vessel, pillaging what i can to keep myself strong, to keep this ship's rotting deck and tattered flag as bases of fear or high regard rather than pity or sympathy.

[i remember one moment in time, a perfect example of the facade hiding a limbo of confusion. i was advising my friend about what he should do regarding his present girlfriend of two years. back then, they weren't a couple yet, and were having certain problems, as usual courtship rituals do. my friend became rather frustrated with me after i disapproved certain actions and words he had been relaying to the girl, telling him that he wasn't doing the proper things. he told me something i will never forget. "ano ba. wala ka ngang karapatang magbigay ng payo diyan eh. ano ba basehan mo? bago ka magbigay ng payo, ayus-ayusin mo muna sarili mong buhay." he was right. and so, the slow slow process of "pag-aayos ng buhay" went underway.]

but on that moment, my dad, as the great god Atlas, put down a planet of raw emotions and perceptions from his shoulders. gazing upon this amazing, godly feat, despite my mere human attributes, i never flinched. the usual quiet mouse that whimpers at the sound of thunder is now gone. even with his tone growing more and more serious, more and more intense, worthy of Zeus, i remained collected and spoke with all honesty, respect, and love. i was the quiet rain that followed each thunderstorm.

there was no spite at all. no ill feelings. just the truth. and the truth, as i have been told, is a raging waterfall. there is beauty and majesty in its angry and destructive appeal. but rapids, too, recede into calm waters, and more importantly, gain depth. that night, i understood my father. eighteen years of life and only now was i able i pull the tack off the lion's paw. i saw through the hundred and one billion differences we shared and realized we shared a lot more than that. i made my father cry that night because i was finally able to tell him what he needed to know about me and how i felt/thought about him. even for a moment, the two wavelengths we resided on clasped together. eighteen years i thought of this creature to be a rusty cyborg, and suddenly, in tears, he becomes a man. more a man than anyone i know. a chip off the old block? the fruit never falls far from the tree? yeah. all of those hideous sayings apply.

regarding the changes within me... well... i guess, basically, figures of speech aside, i'm getting more and more mature. i just need a little more time. soon, i'll be ready to save the world.

blog#100

2006-04-21T14:04:00.000+08:00

faith fakers

it seems Christianity has recently stirred up quite a controversy all around the world. the eternally insatiable curiousity of human nature is at war with the principles and teachings of religion as it fervently attempts to justify the being that is God. suddenly, the definition of a "devout" Christian is one who seeks to find the logical truth behind every facet of the Lord, questioning the purpose behind faith, scrutinizing the bible and the recently uncovered Books [Gospel of Judas, Mary Magdalene, and even the Dead Sea Scrolls], and even infiltrating the Church for information and pin it as a scapegoat. faith now seems to needs a reason. hmmm. before we all sharpen the hayforks and light the torches for Dan Brown, we should take a look at humanity in the present. the human being is, in general, a logical creature. we, as animals, will want an explanation for everything. from why the birds and the bees are the birds and the bees, to why the universe doesn't seem to stop expanding. on this day and age, it seems we are on the peak of our blossoming civilization. technology allows us to save lives and (to an extent) even create them. our ever-growing minds are closing the bridge/gap between us and God, making Him just a poor excuse for the enthusiastic, a false reality we choose to live in to shield us from the harsh truths of real reality. science and logic dictate that God, the idea, is dying and its survival is irrelevant to the prosperity of the human race. soon, since man's quest for the unknown is never-ending, our faith will be tried, tested and even put up for sale as we find it harder and harder to pray everyday.

the thing is, i believe that there are just some things that are better left a mystery. death, for one, is a mystery better left unsolved. imagine if we knew that nothing happens when we die, that we just cease functioning and fade away, lifeless and in an eternity of void. life, in turn, would be pointless. or if we knew that there exists Heaven, and that we are all assured a spot in paradise. we'd all be in a hurry to kill ourselves. if the mystery of God is explained, faith will become obsolete. it's like watching a movie and suddenly the guy beside you tells you the ending even before it starts. it'll feel like that. only on a much, MUCH larger scale.

it's actually made me think of this scenario:

let's just say [barring sacrilege and blasphemy] that humanity has proven that God does not exist. someway, somehow, we have found the ultimate explanation for everything, the beginning, the end, and everything in between. i mean absolutely everything. the physicality of the universe and everything in it, life, death, aliens, the chicken and the egg etc etc etc. and this explanation, hypothetically, is extremely logical and realistically sound. no matter how much mystery and questioning you deal to this idea, everything is refuted and affirmed by logical reasoning. if it were imposed in any court in the entire universe, any jury would immediately decide unanimously in favor of this new idea. everybody agrees to this concept. faith is disposed, frowned upon, banned. the Church denounces God and apologizes to everyone for making them believe in a bunch of whimsy. everybody you know, everybody you love, your family, your friends, concur as well. those who still believe are pariahs, outcasts, and skidmarks on society who are [let's just say...] even killed brutally [i mean Hostel-like brutal] when exposed to the public.

that's it. God does not exist. it's proven. like 1 + 1 = 2. it's a fact. a metanarative. a basic truth. there really isn't anything/one to believe in, and everyone EVERYONE is into the whole idea of it.

the question i ask to all of you is, despite all of this, would you still believe in God? just how steadfast is your faith? remember, He doesn't EXIST. would you still believe?

**

but then again, when has Christianity NOT had issues to resolve? even in the moment it was actually created, the coin already had more than two sides. maybe all this will just soon be dissolved by the strength of faith of those who actually believe. those who think that faith needs no explanation.

if you believe, re-post the scenario and ask the same question to everybody you know. [this coming from a man who HATES chain messages]

God walk with us all.

blog#99

2006-04-19T10:55:00.000+08:00

wha'd i miss?

i'm home. ah, did dorothy ever mean it when she said "there's no place like home." yes, in her terms, i'm back in Kansas, and the farm has never looked as good. i wasted no time in curing the nostalgia that has plagued me since day one of our long journey. so last night, i went out with the bois. it was refreshing to finally be with my friends.

[i tell you, with the myriad of beautiful women in S.America, i found myself almost exploding since i could not share the same sentiment of appreciation of female form/overflow of teenage hormones with my sisters. sometimes though, i couldn't take it anymore and i'd suddenly blurt out, "ate, hot nun o!" no reaction. hahaha.]

anyway, last night, we were in Rockwell and decided to ga-chunks a bit at McDonald's. we were all just talking about our lives and everything else when chino suddenly went, "guys, we were meant to sit here...", pointing at something written on the ledge of the table...

yes. joel is still quite a presence among us. hahahaha.

anyway, i've decided to NOT take summer classes. i've come to the conclusion that it's really not worth it and i can probably find some more things [productive things] to do this summer, which is, after all, my very last free summer since next year, summer classes are mandatory.

hmm. small talk.

i went dvd shopping yesterday as well and was able to buy up to episode 19 of the 2nd season of Lost. yyeah. oh, and i finally have a copy of the movie Little Manhattan. call me a cheesy little bastard, but i love the movie.

anyway, looking forward to more idle times this summer. and probably a few more pounds to add on. hehe.

photos are up on multiply. i'll add some more in the next few days. too lazy to do everything now. hehe.

blog#98

2006-04-12T06:40:00.000+08:00

homesick

i'll be home in five days. i now possess 10 different flight boarding passes, and in five days, once i'm home, i'll be holding 14. i am now officially sick of airplanes. i somehow have a feel for what the participants in the Amazing Race go through.

i'm leaving this continent the day after tomorrow. then Lakers game on Friday. it's the last thing keeping me from going crazy to want to go home.

today was an amazing day. i got to visit La Museo de Sebastiana, which was Pablo Neruda's home. there was a tingle through my spine when i realized that i was actually standing and going around in the home where my favorite author wrote most of his poems.

more travel stories soon. internet is as rare as sleep.

thoughts

i've just finished watching the most emo episode of smallville ever and i got inspired. i know this is not the right time and place, but i just got to writing it, so what the hell...

"kung alam lang niya..."

this line has long been the actual definition of us guys' sighs when dealing with women. picking up a girl despite the impossible traffic, after changing a flat tire in the pouring rain, dealing with the errands of a nagging mother, finishing work requirements, and practically saving the world from a disastrous and overly dramatic end [and still finding time to buy the lady some flowers], a guy can't help but sigh as the droplets splatter on the windshield and she complains on how frequently you're late. sigh. like clark saving lana on a regular basis without her knowing his terrible secret, us guys draw strength from our own princesses to protect, make our own little quick changes and try to become the best damn superheroes for the women we like/love. [equipped with x-ray vision to boot] and yet, at the same time, a secret identity must be upheld. like peter parker and mary jane, a flurry of confusion and dismay builds up between the two, causing unrest and panic. because though we want to tell them everything, we just can't. we just suck it up, and continue loving.

to be continued...

blog#97

2006-04-01T19:11:00.000+08:00

international date line

...of all the things to forget, i actually forgot my toothbrush. how stupid is that? hahaha.

when you travel for 35 hours straight, weird things happen to you. not only will you be buzzed and wired like mad, you will obtain the amazing ability of having a crazy, mixed-up body clock. it's like being a zombie. you just keep walking, sleep at arbitrary times, time becomes highly irrelevant. nevertheless, it was the longest March 30th i've ever experienced. anyway, right now, i'm tired as ever.

what day is it anyway?

i'll hit back soon. when i've got more time and fresher breath.

blog#96

2006-03-24T23:03:00.000+08:00

technically, this is my 101st blog entry. so happy 101st blog entry anniversary to me, if there's ever such a thing. hehe.

what's it all about?

a while ago was my sister's graduation. i am now, officially, the only abastillas child who has not yet graduated. she graduated an Honorable Mention. props to her! it's an achievement i can only hope to garner myself. but being the lazy-ass bum i am, hope is the closest thing to the award i'll ever get. anyway, the entire ceremony got me thinking about my future plans in life,

or lackthereof.

i'm terrified of graduating. suddenly, i feel over-sheltered, dependent, and afraid. it's like once i graduate, i'm suddenly going to be pushed off the eagle's nest and be expected to fly. but i have no idea what to do. when the time comes that i write my resume, i haven't a clue what the hell i'm gonna put in it. i feel so raw. i guess being adventurous and spontaneous and easy-going has major draw-backs in the long run.

the thing is, i keep on imagining these plausible scenarios for myself. i rarely think of the future. you see, i'm more of a cross-the-bridge-when-we-get-there kind of guy, but ever so often, the future does come knocking on my door and it does expect an answer from me.

scenario # 1
Mr. Anakin Skywalker

after a few years of working corporate for experience, i imagine getting a masters' degree somewhere [wherever] and then joining the family business. or even put up a business of my own. or go back to a corporate job. this path is very clearly paved, but it's really not the one i want. it's REALLY NOT the one i want. but then, sadly, as the dreams we have that we must store in our drawers, this is the path i might take anyway. sadly. i really don't want to.

scenario # 2
Mr. Luke Skywalker

i take the same basic path as scenario # 1. except instead of joining the family business, i enter advertising. join the creative department. work crappy long hours beating deadlines and squeezing out my own creative juices to the last drops. i'd rather this much more than the 1st one.

scenario # 3
Mr. Fartsy

i graduate and get a job in journalism. i write and i write and i write. i use up every drop of ink from my pen and every molecule of lead from my pencil and hope that it's enough to put food on the table. maybe end up writing a novel. or a children's book. on the side, i take fartsy pictures and sell them to ad agencies or ambitiously put up my own galleries. why stop there? i'll paint stuff and sell those too! haha. and what the hell, i'm never one to quit while i'm ahead. i'll call greg up and form a band! make music with burning passion, not burning peso signs. haha. what a dream.

**

when you really think about it, my plans stink. haha. it's like the bridge i'm to cross when i finally get there is a bridge without an end. it just goes on and on and on. there is no other side. and that's what makes me afraid. false pursuits that'll lead me to nowhere.

girls

i am suddenly reduced to the shallow perspective of six-year olds who believe that girls are the main source of cooties [which, by the way, aren't even uso in the Philippines]. what's the deal with girls? why must us guys be overly intense about them all the time? Calvin [from calvin and hobbes, of course] once said, "Girls are like slugs - they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what." at a certain level, i concur with my wise master and mentor. i know how it feels like to have cooties. hahahaha.

haaaay. in any case, girls are living proof that all guys are masochistic. we just can't get enough of that which brings us so much pain, discomfort, annoyance, and ball-busting intensity! i guess love is really just a passionate form of masochism. it's the kind of pain that makes you sigh and smile rather than pout and cry. after all, unless something makes you bleed, it isn't real.

shiyet. mga babae talaga o!

blog#95

2006-03-21T20:56:00.000+08:00

summer re-runs

and so. just like that. i am now a sophomore. it's weird to think that graduation was 366 days ago when i remember the moments right after the ceremony like they had just happened yesterday. scrambling with old friends, taking final pictures and wishing each other all the best. i can still feel the cold, chilly air from the air-conditioned dome. and i remember that no matter how cold it was in the gym, i found myself sweating profusely. sweating out 12 years of hard work, perseverance, and unforgettable experiences.

i remember telling everyone that i wasn't worried about March 20th. i was worried about March 21st. the day it sinks in. the day that the final realizations of leaving a home/shelter/refuge come. the day when you can finally go to school, look the principal in the face and say "%&*^ you!" without any academic consequence. the day your permanent record is stored and is never looked upon again. it was a sad day. i felt a lot more sad and teary-eyed that day rather than graduation itself.

and now, a year has passed. i'm fifteen pounds heavier. i'm old enough to watch Co-Ed Scandal, among other R-18 flicks. i've been through hell and back through its most dreadful form yet.. calculus [note, i frickin failed the finals. hello D!]. i've forged new friendships and reestablished old ones. basically, like everyone else, i've grown.

it's funny and scary to think that 3 years ago, i had just finished 2nd year highschool and was going to join Repertory for the very first time. and 3 years from now, i'll be the next candidate to enter the real world, fresh out of college. whew. i hope it doesn't breeze by THAT fast.

**

i've run out of words. blah blah blah.

i make a wish but then she says she doesn't believe in shooting stars.
-- Too Much To Believe, Spring-Time Flowers

blog#94

2006-03-15T19:30:00.000+08:00

birthday blues

first and foremost, i'd like to thank everybody who attended my birthday dinner, as well as everybody who intended to attend. i know your reasons for not being there were legitimate [ahem ahem]. but i don't want to thank the person who stole P2000 from my wallet.

i just can't believe i was screwed over on my birthday.

in my own abode.

and by my own friend.

only the guys had access to my room, but there sure were a lot of them. they used it as a storage room, and as a chill-out room for when the party started dying down. the next morning, checking my wallet, voila!!! minus P2000. i won't point fingers and i can't get mad, cuz come on, as if that's going to do anything. anyway, i just hope that money goes to good use. it'd be a good consolation if that person would spend the money on something constructive.

imagine how many KFC chicken steaks i could've eaten with P2000.

mmmm...... KFC chicken steak......

emo probs

gambling focus group:

"hi. i'm jose ricardo abastillas."

"HI JOSE!"

"i'm 18 years old. i admit it. i have a gambling problem. but lately, i've been trying my very best to stop gambling. it's cuz i've lost far too much already. but it's hard, you know? the tables are right in front of me, and all i have to do is place my hand down and make a bet, but i won't. like i said, i've lost too much already. i can't afford to lose any more. and besides, i don't think i've anything to offer anymore anyway. me gambling will just make things worse. but you know what i've come to realize? i can't help it, you know?? it's right there! i hope i find enough strength in me to take a chance and hopefully, win big. against all odds. i'm trying."

**

God, walk with me...

blog#93

2006-03-11T12:35:00.000+08:00

these days

why is it when you turn 18, people always include in their greetings the phrase, "legal ka na!"? hahaha. it's amusing, really. it's like that's the first thing that people notice with regards to the age 18. anyway, i'm 18 today. and somehow, like every birthday, though nothing's really changed, i feel somewhat different. i guess it's psychological, but still, it's a weird, awkward feeling that actually feels sorta nice. so hard to explain. haha.

ever wonder why things always happen when you're 18? media has always shown us that when you're 18, you start falling in love, you go out saving the world, you jump off the cliff towards independence, and you even get into porn movies. if life is a reflection of what media portrays, i'm looking forward to a big year for me! but then, it hardly is, so, i'm just glad to be alive another year. hehehe.

i'd like to thank everybody who's loved and supported me through my 18 years of existence. you've all helped in molding me to the person i am now. thank you. i only hope that i'm as big a part in your lives as you are in mine. =)

a year ago, [if you can check my archives], i wrote how i wondered how things would be different after another 365 days. looking back at those 365 days since my last birthday, so much has changed that it makes me wonder what another 365 will bring. it's scary and at the same time excting. i can't wait.

as last year, it still remains: paradise is a birthday.

blog#92

2006-03-06T17:21:00.000+08:00

Darwin's theory

people change. that's the way things are. from primitive, simian creatures, we have transformed into rational, pogi't magagandang beings. change is one of the few things that will never change. there is consistency in the inconsistent. it's a paradox that gives definition to so many things. a paradox that i, as a proud human being, will adhere to.

i need a little change. kahit kaunti lang.

it may not be easy, but i can tell that i can do it. i mean hey, i'm actually quitting iced tea. i actually did some homework on a friday night. i actually went home earlier than i usually do after a night out. that's got to be a start. however small.

for true..?

blog#91

2006-03-02T17:05:00.000+08:00

alternativity

okay. it has come to my attention that lately, to be a rockstar, you have to sing like you're constipated. but hey, it really DOES sound good when you sing like you've got a gallon of phlegm in your throat. so here are...

The Top 3 Constipated Vocalists

3) Yael Yuzon of Spongecola - here's a guy with powerful lungs who sings like he's blowing up a hotair balloon. Kailangan lang pagbigyan, kulang lang sa PANSI-HIIIIIN!

2) Scott Stapp of Creed - here's a mainstay who actually had voice problems due to the raspy nature of his voice, coupled by drug abuse. no other words can express how i feel bout this dude except "sayang." To what do I owe this gift my friend? MAH LAF, MAH LUV, MAH SOWL!

finally, the one that beat them all: the up and coming...

1) Raf of The Speaks - what can i say about this guy? it's like he's singing while unloading a huge, footlong-sized chunk of crap that's been stuck in his intestines for a week. disgusting comparisons aside, he does it really well. Hold your head up haaa-ahhh-yiii-yah. YEAH-EH-YEAH-EY!

birthday

in a week and a half, i'll finally be able to watch Brokeback Mountain [why the hell did i mention this of all movies?] on the big screen without any fuss from the ticket-seller, or having to dress older [wearing a plain, collared shirt tucked inside beige slacks with brown shoes. a part of me thinks that instead of looking older, i only succeed in looking dorkier]. i don't know if i have any birthday resolutions, or if i even WANT to have any. hehe. what i want are many presents! yes, i'm a greedy, little miser-prick who wants nothing more than to swim in presents. so go all out this year, okay?

i kid. i kid.

jokes are half meant.

ahem.

uhm.

yeah...

*Material Wishlist*

unattainables:

1) A nice SLR camera
2) A Nokia N70/Nokia 6270/Nokia 7380
3) A new MP3 player. Something with more than 5 frickin' GB of memory, whose battery lasts more than 2 frickin' hours, and doesn't get destroyed every 2 frickin' months [i'm bashing my MP3 player, fyi]
4) The entire series of Friends on DVD
5) The Calvin and Hobbes complete collection [yes, i saw it in Fully Booked]
6) A plane ticket to the Vatican [yes. by myself. i have something to ask the Pope.]

attainables:

1) A new pendant with the image of Jesus on one side and Mary on the other [mine may have sentimental value, but it's falling apart]
2) The new album [or at least the new songs] of the OPM band Silent Sanctuary
3) Someone to at least have my MP3 player fixed with the assurance that it won't get busted again after two months
4) A DVD of The Goo Goo Dolls Live In Buffalo, New York
5) Ralph Lauren Romance Silver
6) Nice/Fine clothes for special occasions [porma/gimik clothes]
7) Painting lessons
8) Cranium Expansion pack

i'm really just posting this for the sake that my family reads it. hehehehe. truly a miser-prick am i.

*Real Wishlist*

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days...

-- Better Days, Goo Goo Dolls

[ulul....]

blog#90

2006-02-26T23:07:00.000+08:00

note

my friend asked me why my blog had "711" in its URL. it's from an ancient Hebrew Alphabetic Numeration. where each letter corresponds to a certain value. for example, Jesus would equal to "515". and so, taking "Jay" into play, it turned out to become 711. a nice number. hence, it tunred out in the URL.

Aa = 1; Bb = 2; Cc = 3; Dd = 4; Ee = 5; Ff = 6; Gg = 7; Hh = 8; Ii = 9; Jj = 10, Kk = 20, Ll = 30; Mm = 40; Nn = 50; Oo = 60; Pp = 70; Qq = 80; Rr = 90; Ss = 100; Tt = 200; Uu = 300; Vv = 400; Ww = 500; Xx = 600; Yy = 700: Zz = 800

second thoughts

i was going to fill this entry with political comments and rhetorical questions bashing numerous people and institutions, buuuut i realized that it isn't worth being all intense about anymore. all i have to say is that we should just all do our part and stop pointing fingers because when there are fingers pointing there are less hands to do the actual work. we need all our fingers to do work with our hands. and we can't do it pointing fingers or flipping other people off with the middle one.

oh, and if there's one thing i know, it's that Filipinos are one of the most resilient races in the world. the universe, if you will. it'll take a lot more than this to bring down our spirits.

crucifixion

God taught us that love is all about sacrifices. but not just any kind of sacrifice, it's the type that entails one to suffer for the sake that others' feel safe, special, cared for, and of course, loved. it shouldn't want something back in return. it shouldn't be a business deal. "because i love you, i expect you to love me back. i expect you to have a certain level of committment and devotion with me." no.

i guess this i something i have to learn. with regards to my faith in the Lord, to my friends, to courtship, to my family, and to all the aspects of my life.

insignificant

existence, according to science, is around 15 billion years old. and i'm nearly 18. do the math. we might as well not have existed and no one would really notice. it's funny, actually. i finally understand how joel feels about everything. [fyi, joel is the man dwells in the sector of humanity's insignificance in the dimension of the entirety of existence]

i've been readins non-stop about the universe lately. wala lang. theories and such. astonishing, really.

blog#89

2006-02-24T20:06:00.000+08:00

balance

the universe has always needed balance. though it has been said through one of the laws of thermodynamics that all things tend toward disorder, this still means that everything, at some point, has balance. in normal meals, people want their drinks ice cold and their meals piping hot. that's balance. the human body composes of the right amounts of carbon, iron, potassium, and an array of other elements. but this doesn't mean that if you place all those elements in a jar and mix them up that you'll be able to form a human being. there is balance among all the components, and a specific way of putting them all together. that's balance.

how would everything be without balance? i mean, imagine if allen iverson, kobe bryant, tim duncan, lebron james, and shaq all played in one team. that would be anarchy. i guaran-damn-tee that they'd lose a lot because of the loss of the balance of power [but come to think of it, yeah, if that team would be unstoppable if they worked on it well enough]. anyway, like i said, balance comes with everything; including power.

so we come to the discussion on Philippine politics. yes. the balance of power is dying. it's like a scrawny kid on the see-saw with a sumo wrestler. look outside. the oppressed think that there is nothing better to do than to take their case to the streets and pollute Ayala Ave. with unwanted litter, noise, and most of all, disorder. but i don't blame them. the "fat cats" of of Philippine politics have long been feeding off them, like flies and mosquitos with icky suckers that just draw all life and livelihood from these poor people. i soooo want to blame a side, but i can't. it's all our faults. we destoryed the balance. we're leading ourselves to our own doom. like stupid little lemmings, we'll all follow each other to our desturction if we don't stop with all the drama that's fit for a telenobela. i look at what's happening on TV and i say to myself with an emotional, single-tear-streaming-down-the-cheek look , "what have we done...? what have we become...?"

i get so paranoid that something bad might happen. and i know i shouldn't even worry. the odds of something happening are very low, and i can really just do what i will. but for some reason, i'm shit-scared. which is a reason why i'm home alone on a friday night. everyone's out having fun, but i'm alone at home, stocked up on books to read and dvd's to watch, feeling as if i'm trying to survive nuclear fallout. stupid me.

anyway, i sure hope that everything turns out for the best and more importatnly, that no one gets hurt in the process.

urgh. the Philippines isn't ready for democracy. it makes me wish my sister would run for office in the future and become a dictator. hahaha.

**

ganado akong magsulat ngayon. i'll post another entry this weekend. hehe.

blog#88

2006-02-21T23:30:00.000+08:00

incubus

i've been having trouble sleeping lately. i dunno. a normal human being takes seven minutes to drift off to dreamland. it takes me around an hour or so. and that is, if i don't get all restless and decide to get out of bed already. in which case, it'll take even longer. i had a phase similar to this a long time ago, but the difference is, that time, i was intentionally not sleeping. nagmumuni-muni. but this time, i really, really, really want to enter slumber, but it's just so darn difficult. the sheets get hot, the pillow gets flat, the different sounds around the room suddenly become amazingly audible. argh. i want sleep!!!!

note

sometimes, we don't do the things we want to do because we're afraid that other people might know that we want to do them.

much has been said.

groupie

the goo goo dolls have a new album. and a new single. well, it's not that new but i only found out recently. for those of you who don't know, i'm an intense goo goo dolls fan. if i could be a rockstar, i'd be john rzeznik in a flash [that guy from creed comes a close second]. the single's called "Better Days". it's pretty Christian actually, but is still a wicked cool song. hehe.

**

well, that's it. a light entry for now. not much to tell anyway.

oh, my birthday's coming up. yeah.

blog#87

2006-02-19T09:37:00.000+08:00

curtain call

we had a good show! a big thanks to everyone who watched our show. hope you all enjoyed it. back to normal, stoic life once again. it was great while it lasted. i'll miss the moment. i'll miss that old feeling.

shifting sand

the other night, i was with dre and pedro on the roof. i have to tell you, there's just something about the roof that makes you talk about the weirdest things. it could be the fact that it's all too cold and peaceful. it could be the perfect view of the stars and the moon. or maybe the city lights [one can actually see eurostar from the roof]. maybe even the occasional sighting of shooting stars [which we had the privilege of having that night]. whatever it is, going up the roof is like going to another planet. everything in this world is suddenly blocked out, and we feel as if we own time and the entire universe.

anyway, of all the things we talked about, from our individual sentimental crap about friendship, love, and etc, to my weird philosophical and scientific theories, to pedro's alleged sexcapades which led to alleged genital disorders, the topic that struck me the most was dre's queries and comments on faith.

i have never been a religious person, but i've always been a faithful one. i keep an open mind and i do have my doubts, questions, and fits of denial like everyone else, but my faith will never falter. because in an existence where there's no such thing as certainty, all you really have is your faith. your ideals, your philosophies, your principles, and everything in between. that night, we tested our faith talking about the irony of predestination and free will, the imminent end of the world, the possibility of God and the devil actually working hand in hand, being able to serve in the Army of God, and the fear that when the time comes that the world might end, and we are given the final choice of sides, if we'll be able to keep a steadfast faith and choose the right side despite all the temptations and offers [i hope i'm strong enough]. i don't think i can express how sincere and intense our conversation was. talking about what we did ignited mixed emotions within me. most of it was very contradicting. i remember ending the conversation saying that i knew that our faith had so many ironies and contradicting ideas, and there's not a thing we know. but we are only human. i believe that everything has an answer, it's impossible for something to not have a reason, but it's just that we do not possess the capacity to understand these answers. it's beyond us. and the closest thing we've got to something concrete is faith. i don't know if we'll all be saved or we'll all be doomed in the end, but i'd sure like to believe in something amazing and genuinely good. because if i don't, what's the point?

only God can judge me.

blog#86

2006-02-15T22:49:00.000+08:00

not enough vitamins, kulang sa kulay

i feel lousy. it's show time tomorrow. i feel weary and unprepared. each day, i run on my seemingly unlimited amount of adrenaline. but sooner or later, it's going to have to run out. i need a break. and yet, despite it all, i still believe that it's hella fun and extremely fulfilling doing what we've been doing. exhausted as i am, i'm still much more excited than i am worried for the shows to come.

theater's helped define me as a person. it's molded me a lot. it's been part of my life since 2001. now, this will be my 7th major production and yet i've never really gotten the hang of it all. as far as i'm concerned, i still feel like a rookie. there's a dark cloud looming overhead though. i feel as though this will be my last time [at least for a very long time] to grace the presence of the divine stage. somewhere along the road, i'm going to have to draw the line between hobby and passion, and decide on which side i should stand on. no straddling allowed.

post-valentine thoughts

when Plato was still young and was dealing with courtship for the very first time, he asked his mentor how he would know if he was in love. he already knew it existed, and he already knew that it was all around him, but he didn't know how to determine if he, himself, was in love and if he would pick the right person for him. assertive and determined to teach his student, his mentor told him to go to the wheat field and pick one leaf that he believes is the most extraordinary one. Plato did as he was told. he returned a few moments later with nothing in his hands. his mentor asked him why this was so. to this, Plato replied, "while i was on my journey, i saw a leaf that seemed to be extraordinary but i didn't pick it up because i thought i might find one even more extraordinary ahead. i found another one and thought the same thing so i laid it down and looked some more. this happened over and over. confused as i was, i decided to give up and come back here." his mentor then told him, "the same thing will happen with love. you must learn the value of acceptance, devotion, trust, and most of all, certainty."

Plato's mentor had something there, don't you think?

blog#85

2006-02-12T00:54:00.000+08:00

wow! 10,000 hits in 15 months. thank you very much! hehehe. i'll keep on posting if you keep on reading.

single awareness day

my dad made a bet with me two or three years ago. he told me that if i didn't have a girlfriend by the time i was 18, he'd take me wherever i wanted. i asked him then if he was serious, he told me, "why not?" i'll be 18 in less than a month, and from the looks of it, i'm going to win the bet.

i don't want to win the bet. it's not that i don't want to be in a relationship, i guess there's just something wrong with the entire idea of it all. i've done a LOT of stupid and evil things to people before, and i really am sorry for all of them. but i don't know if i regret doing them. maybe cuz everything sort of turned out for the best. and all those experiences solidified everything that i am right now, and that makes me grateful. at least the way i see it. but now, after everything that's been, i'm shit-scared of what lies ahead. and i really wanna back off and be like every other cynic that hates the God-forsaken "holiday" coming up. i no longer want to take chances. i no longer want to feel. the words "you'll never know unless you find out" do not appeal to me any longer. at least for now, while i settle the issues about myself, i wanna do nothing. self-preservation, if you will. and not only that, i don't want to risk involving anyone in my pit of despair. no more. especially people who don't deserve it. people i care for.

but it's hard once that old feeling comes back. it's hard not to take a chance. but i know that i shouldn't. so i guess i won't.

happy valentine's day to everyone celebrating it. on that night, i'll be alone at home, prolly be watching re-runs of friends. hahaha.

show

our show's in a week. i want everyone to watch! Looney Alley. February 17, 2006. 8pm at the Philam Theater on UN Ave. tickets are priced at P300. hope everybody can watch.

**

anyway, i'm feeling blank right now. i'm facing a major writer's block [hence, the long-spanned entries]. i just hope i can squeeze enough inspiration out of myself to be able to write some more.

blog#84

2006-01-29T19:26:00.000+08:00

munting mandaluyong

some four and a half years ago, i had my first "night-out" date. it was to a South Border concert in Ultra, with the first girl i ever courted [or at least attempted to]. i had to ask special permission to be allowed and i still had to be home at around 10 or 11pm. if i can recall correctly, i was mad for this girl: writing senseless poetry about all the things love is [which then was considered high art], texting and texting and texting, trying to become certain adjectives which i didn't even know the definitions of [descriptions like "sweet", "gentlemanly", "thoughtful". all i knew were words like "pikachu", "playstation", etc]. i remember winning the front-row, P1500 worth tickets [each] joining a raffle. i remember thinking of a perfect outfit, a two-sizes-oversized blue Bench t-shirt, cargo pants, and suede shoes [a killer combo!]. i remember meeting up with her at Ultra that fateful evening, adoring her like a puppy-love should. i remember striking a conversation with the guy beside me. with the loud music booming right in front of us, i knew she couldn't hear us.

guy: girlfriend mo yan?
me: hindi.
guy: liniligawan mo?
me: [a sly smile and a slight hesitation later] oo.
guy: ahh. sige. ayos yan. pormahan mo lang.

i guess he could tell that i was this kid who had just started puberty, and found it amusing to help me out. i don't quite remember how it went exactly, all i know is that he gave me the idea of holding her hand once the mushy songs started playing.

in my short-lived life, i had never dreaded nor yearned for any moment as much as the one that was about to unfold.

the song "Habang Atin Ang Gabi" played. i planned [yes, planned. these things are planned.] to hold her hand once the emotional instrumental part was reached. her hand was positioned right on top of her lap, just waiting for mine to grab it. it was as if her hand had some sort of a magnet. like it was a strawberry fudge sundae. or a really cute puppy. i was drawn to her. i wanted nothing more than to hold her hand and see how she'd react. i was driven to madness, all the time still thinking, "am i gonna do it?"

the moment drew closer. it was all or nothing. this was my time and i would prevail. this girl was special to me. she made me feel so, umm, different. something i couldn't explain before [and probably still won't be able to]. her hand was just there. all i needed to do was nudge a bit closer, lift my two million ton hand and gently place it on hers. that was all i needed to do. that was all that needed to be done...

the next thing i knew, the song was over and her hand had shifted positions. i had missed my chance. the same moment kept happening throughout the night. no senti-dance. no goodnight beso. no goodnight hug. nothing.

i remember texting her after the night was over. somewhere in my message, i remember putting "...had fun, kahit medjo bitin." and she replied, "oo nga. bitin eh."

she knew.

i just finished watching Little Manhattan. i can honestly say, i've never felt a "kilig" moment in a movie until this one. sure, A Walk to Remember made me emo, and so did The Notebook and Serendipity, but with this one; i was all smiles coming out of the movie house.

i kinda wish life right now were as easy as that. as easy as before. holding someone's hand is the life mission. the moments preceeding that are like the preparations astronauts undergo before a big moon launch. growing up makes things so complicated. liking someone suddenly has conditions and rules. you can't do this because of that, this keeps you from doing that, the two of you can't be because of this, etc etc. sure, back when we were younger, we didn't know what we were doing and we didn't know that love is hell, but what we felt back then was also the purest, most innocent love we knew. so what if love was a mystery to us? as they say, ignorance is bliss. back then, to us, that little spot of light flirting, secret hand-holding missions, and feeling of wonderful vagueness was what love was already. i'd give anything for the definition of love to be that simple again.

i wish things weren't so complicated.

blog#83

2006-01-24T22:09:00.000+08:00

sum of all worries and product of all efforts

"impending doom" written on the gray skies [what's that gray thing on the ground?]

album cover pose -> "The DD's (Differentation and Derivatives): Greatest Hits"

thirty minutes before our midterm exams, my blockmates and i decided to walk to the Church of Gesu for spiritual guidance. and on our way there, it seemed as if mother nature herself was out to get us. gloomy rainclouds that had "death" written all over them were overcast above us. i had never been more nervous for a test in school my entire life. not the UPCAT, not the ACET, not anything else. there was something about this test that made me think it was a matter of life and death. the x-factor of what'll become of me. like everything in nature and existence hung in the balance.

hyperboles aside, i did really poorly in the exam.

yup. i'd be lucky to get a D on it. but hey, as long as i pass, i'll be satisfied. right now, the competitive, be-the-best Abastillas blood that has long run in my veins is beginning to drain out. in a game of survival of the fittest, being fit to survive is all that matters right now. being rambo/commando and killing off my mathematical foes with dual M-6 machine guns screaming "EAT THIS, DERIVATIVE OF X SQUARED PLUS Y CUBED OVER THREE XY TO THE THIRD POWER!! RATATATATATATATAT!!! RAAGGHH!!!" is no longer my mentality.

there are more important things to worry about.

the empire strikes back

my dad and my sister are having problems. one of the reasons why i don't have plans of joining the family business is because no matter how professional each of us can be about certain aspects of business, there will always be a personal punch somewhere in the business skirmish when you're all related. it's hard to express yourself at the dinner table when all you hear is business talk. it's even harder when all you hear is no talk at all because of issues between family members cconsequently regarding the only topic they ever talk about.. business. yes, one of the poisons of having a family business is slowly creeping through the immune system of this family. i'm worried the time will come when breaths are so short and our skins will be so pale from the venom of clashing personalities.

my sister's thinking of leaving the empire and joining the liberation force.. in Star Wars terms. a renegade sith whose out looking for numero uno. which, in normal terms means her moving back to singapore and getting a stable source of income there. there and not here. i told her to think about what she was doing, that "sayang lang lahat ng pinaghirapan at pinagdaanan niya hanggang sa sandaling ito." she told me that she wishes dad had the same sentiment whenever he would go off and make his own decisions, not listen to others' deliberation, and destroy the weapons that he himself taught us to wield...

[yes, he bashes us sometimes witht he same things he's proud of. one day it's "o, hetong anak ko, graduate yan ng AIM!", then the next it's, "just because you graduated from AIM doesn't give you the right to say anything. don't bite the hand of the person feeding you!". he teaches us to answer to no one, but wants us to concur with his every whim]

then i told her that i wished there was just someone greater than him who could finally tell him off. someone whom he listens to. then she tells me, "you. he listens to you." "no, he doens't!" "yes, he does." bah. i'm seventeen. the guy's never been one to listen to anyone he thinks isn't as good as or is better than him. but we'll see. i love the guy, but all this drama's gotta stop.

oh well. i hope it all turns out for the best. but the bottomline is, rest assured, i'm sticking to writing, thank you very much. hahahaha.

blog#82

2006-01-21T22:46:00.000+08:00

when hell freezes over... then melts

life's such a twisted irony that on the instances when you need to work and need to focus the most is the same time you find a million ways to procrastinate and be less productive than usual. it's my midterm exam for Calculus on monday and i haven't started studying. my highschool self would go and tell me that "ssss. it's alright. go to sleep. eat. update your blog. arrange the letters and old books scattered in your closet. clean the car. read old magazines. browse through funny yet useless online flash movies. but DON'T study." yes, my highschool self's got the best of me. i'd like to get a knife sometime and give him a good stabbing but he's just too cool to ignore/hate. hehe.

since i started college, i swear i've never studied as much in my entire life. it's hard to study intensely when you've been conditioned for so many years to hardly study at all or to cram like mad twenty minutes [literally] before exams. adjustment has not yet reached it's peak as i'm finding it hard to cope with all the obstacles presented before me.

my advisory grade in Calculus is D.

i really need to work on it. math truly is the bane of my existence.

music makes the people

do you ever feel that history repeats itself more often than you want it to? that life is just a sappy rock song on repeat? there's an entire CD out there that you want to listen to but you're hooked on this one song that has seemingly entranced you and has magically made the "Next Track" button stuck. you want to change it but you just can't. you want to let other people listen to with you but when they do, they get pissed that you won't change the song and leave. you end up alone. emo. without a smile on your face but with a rotting song in your heart. i have to change.

hehe. metaphors make expression easier.

i'm crazy for being crazy for...

blog#81

2006-01-17T19:52:00.000+08:00

flirting 101

something i've noticed in my seven months as a college student is the rampant flirting all around. everywhere you look, people are trying their best to get someone else to notice them. most times, they TRY to be inconspicuous, but the more subtle they get, the more you notice them. this is based on pure observation and not on experimentation.

Top 7 Seemingly Low-Key Flirting Methods [but are actually uber obvious]

7) the nomad - when groupings are being created and the method is a countoff, you frantically count the number that your desired one will get and even more frantically bribe another classmate to immediately switch seats with you. you do all this whispering.

6) the indirect invitation - when something that requires him/her to watch you arises, invite the entire class/block. but always do so when he/she is right in front or beside you in a group. plead each person to come. do the "goo-goo puppy eyes" once you get to him/her. but be sure to do it at least two more people in the group. para 'di obvious.

5) the constant variables - in any particular group, whether walking to the tambayan, commuting to the mall, hanging out before class, etc etc., while other members of the group change and increase/decrease, you always make it a point that you and him/her are always in the same group. [numbers five and six usually coincide. and that way, you can repeat number five whenever number six occurs]

4) the text pass - whenever a text pass within the class or the block materializes, you send that message to him/her and ONLY to him/her. after all, the message did say "please pass."

3) the amnesia - through text or ym, ask him/her for the homework. even though you just had a freecut and you know that you don't have homework. tell him/her you were just making sure.

2) the last goodbye - always make it a point to say goodbye to him/her last. keep it short and smile always.

1) "pa-share ng iPod" - yes. a classic. even though you have your own mp3 player, sit beside him/her and grab that earphone [sensually and seductively, if possible] from his/her ear and listen to his/her tunes. ask him/her if you could see the songs on the iPod. scan through them and say "whoops!" while "inadvertently" playing songs like Passenger Seat, Kailan, A Friend of Mine, Sex and Candy, and Horny.

blog#80

2006-01-11T21:56:00.000+08:00

plug

if life's a stage and we're all the actors, who's manning the lights? who's playing the music? who wrote the script? what happens after curtain call? ah. God MUST exist.

i wake up early. on this day, lives will change and reasons will be realized. people scurry back and forth, preparing themselves, the sets, the sounds and every little placement (at one point, they inhale Lipovitans and devour Extra Joss filled Gatorades like water on a hot day). they're all emotional screw-ups. a cross between how it is for a gambler to wait for race results and how the first few seconds of free-fall for a skydiver is. focus is a mantra, confidence, a commandment. there is no margin for error. yet there is no limit to how much fun they're allowed to have.

as everybody lines up for make-up and sound-check, i take time to visit the old maiden of every show and performance, the dark yet gentle stage. i walk around and finally sit in the middle. the feeling of being alone on a tranquil stage hours before the show, just watching the empty seats applauding louder than any other sold-out audiences - there's nothing quite like it. i sigh and look back at everything that has been said and done that lead to this very moment. truly, this growing tree has reached its peak of majesty (after withstanding storm after storm) and is about to bear the sweetest fruits of labor. another breath as i ponder on the near future as we're about to make completely ridiculous spectacles out of ourselves for the amusement of others and for our own fulfillment. there shouldn't be much/any money in the performance industry. no superficialities - bodyless faces or faceless bodies without the ability to differentiate a smile from a pout. it's all about the passion. the emotion/drive that fills you up hours before you give part of yourself to other human beings.

this is why we do it. again and again. this is why we face the pain and keep on growing. so watch us do it again. Avenue Q on February 25, 2006.

blog#79

2006-01-03T19:14:00.000+08:00

2005: A Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
----> graduated highschool. went to college. painted. wrote a short story.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
----> yeah, i think i kept one of them. and failed the rest. so i decided not to make any this year and just take things as they come.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
----> nope. i don't think so.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
----> fortunately, no one did.
5. What countries did you visit?
----> did a little last minute traveling with my sister. singapore and indonesia.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
----> a more charitable, self-less personality.
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
----> 9/9. it was the day the music died. summer and the last days of the year. the most fun i had the entire year.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
----> graduated highschool.
9. What was your biggest failure?
----> failing her. wasn't allowed to enter U.P.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
----> sprains here and there. spots of fever now and then.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
----> i'm not sure. it's not specific to one item.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
----> LSGH batch 2005.
13. Whose behaviour appalled you and made you depressed?
----> my own.
14. Where did most of your money go?
----> consumables. food. movies. dvd's.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
----> first day of college.
16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
----> this time by my good friend ryan monje. you and me by lifehouse.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier. :)
ii. thinner or fatter? definitely fatter.
iii. richer or poorer? richer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
----> written and read more. focused on something worthwhile. spent more time on the roof.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
----> gone out less. talked with people less.
20. How will you be welcoming the New Year?
---> a spot of relief. yet a tinge of fear towards the days to come.
21. Did you fall in love in 2005?
----> yes.
22. How many one-night stands?
----> three hundred sixty-five and one-fourth.
23. What was your favourite TV program?
----> Lost. hands down. best show EVER.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
----> no. i don't hate people.
25. What was the best book you read?
----> good omens by gaiman and pratchett was pretty good. but i guess it's lullaby by palahniuk. oh, and monina famas' works.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
----> the re-discovery of re-current and classic rock songs. and the startling realization that i, Jose Ricardo Diaz Abastillas, am mainstream.
27. What did you want and get?
----> i got into a university. certain gifts and signs.
28. What did you want and not get?
----> answers. a healthy and sturdy relationship.
29. Favorite film of this year?
----> i only watched finding neverland this year so it's gotta be that.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
----> seventeen. cheers. booze.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
----> if God had given me answers instead of signs. but i guess that's how it works.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
----> more freestyle. very flexible.
33. What kept you sane?
----> the roof. my closest friends. talking with the Dude. writing.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
----> my favorite authors. social heroes. kiko escora. the editor-in-chief of UNO mag. the big 5: elisha cuthbert, jessica alba, cindy curleto, scarlett johansson, and maggie quigley.
35. Who is your real-person crush?
----> in 2005? the girl who was wendy darling. the girl who considered me the 5th man. and slide girl.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
----> hello, garci. obviously. but i don't care too much for politics. it complicates things.
37. Who did you miss?
----> my sister. friends abroad. "girlfriend" jana.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
----> reppers, i guess. and strangers with whom i've had the pleasure of sharing the most whimsical/significantly pointless conversations ever.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005
----> peace lies in the acceptance of the Plan. steady lang. always. bawal emo.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year

And I try to realize

That I needn't look any further

The whole of the universe

Is plain to see

And I try not to rely

On another world or the future

The whole of the universe is a mystery

And it gets me over

Yeah, it gets me over

And it gets me over

Yeah, it gets me over

(oh, and almost the entire song I'm Still Here by John Rzeznik)

2005 was like falling down the stairs, breaking your leg, standing up, walking it off, and just laughing about it after. a surreal insanity. the darkest of comedies. but overall, a great year. looking forward to a greatER 2006. let's make it happen.

blog#78

2005-12-31T18:47:00.000+08:00

this is going to be long. bear with me. promise. it'll be an interesting entry. i'll do it chronologically to avoid the hassles.

december 24th - abastillas family costume dinner

yes, we actually pushed through with it. it was actually as much fun as it was humiliating. my dad was Batman [but cheated by simply wearing a black shirt with the picture of Batman on it. he later just became the benefactor for the Best Costume prize] my mom was Darth Vader, ate abby was The Incredible Hulk, ate pam was The Little Mermaid, doyti was Gollum, and i, unfortunately and unintentionally, was Princess Amidala. yes, i had to cross-dress [again]. and painted my entire face white. boo to that. but it was incredibly fun and all original.

didn't feel Christmas all that much though. after Noche Buena, i spent the night up on the roof with my cousin. pretty cool. never been on emo-mode during Christmas.

december 26th - abastillas clan family reunion

a yearly tradition that seems to recur yet outdo itself every single year. food galore, catching up to the latest news, color coordinated clothes, etc. and even though i don't know half the names of my cousins, nieces and nephews, it's pretty cool to hang out with them at least once a year. in our family reunions, the "pila" game is still done every year. no, it's not only the young ones, but for the young once as well. aunts and uncles who are still "chikitings at heart" still fall in line. the weird thing is, what we form aren't actually lines but a circle that rotates with a tangential point which dispenses what seems to be an infinite amount of twenties and fifties [and when things start to get juicy, hundreds]. hahaha. fun fun fun. maraming katas ang pasko.

meeting people

at the reunion, one of the games all the couples played [the uncles and aunts, the married cousins and such] was the "how-well-do-you-know-your-honey" game. both are asked a question and their individual answers must match in order to score a point. most points win. one question which was asked that made me think was "where and when did you meet?" it was weird because some of them met their spouses in the mst peculiar places. tricycle stations on the way home one day. the city hall while filing a complaint. a business seminar that had a 50% chance of not happening at all. i guess it just made me realize that you DO find love in all the wrong places and that the best way of finding something is to stop looking for it. haha.

december 28 to 31 - Bintan, Indonesia with Doyti

i went to Bintan, Indonesia with my sister Doyti for three days while the rest of the family along with my cousin TJ, my granddad, our 98-year old family friend, my sister's American boyfriend and his brother all went to Cebu. the reason was that the trip to Bintan was supposed to be meant for my sister. ahem, her honeymoon. but unfortunately, with the wedding postponed, her honeymoon trip would have gone to waste. soooo, we took it. hehe. but yeah, you could imagine. i'm off to a romantic honeymoon spot with my sister. that is wrong on so many levels. haha. but nevertheless, had lots of fun anyway.

eccentric travelers

while we were checking our bags in, we found ourselves in the middle of the aviation officers' conversation. upon seeing a familiar traveler enter immigration from the distance, this conversation emerged:

AVO1: pare, diba yun yung laging naka-costume pag lumilipad? [points to an old asian man in the distance wearing a bright green and gold gown/coat resembling a chinese emperor]
AVO2: oo pare, once a month lumilipad yan, laging iba costume! nung isang beses, shaolin, nung isang beses, monk, nung isang beses, parang ninja pa! [laughter]
AVO1: baliw nun ah. hahaha. o, eto pare, isang beses may isang baliw gustong umalis ng bansa papuntang states. sabi niya, siya raw yung Presidente ng Pilipinas. tapos tiningnan ko yung passport niya, walang visa, sabi ko, 'eh madame president, kailangan niyo po kasi ng visa para makaalis ng bansa eh.' sabi niya, 'di mo ba ako kilala? ako ang pangulo ng pilipinas!', ' eh ma'am, kailangan niyo pa rin ng visa eh!', 'a ganun ba? teka lang ah.' tapos pare, bumalik siya after a while, sabi niya, 'ah eh tinawagan ko na yung malacanang, sabi nila hindi ko raw kailangan ng visa!' [laughter]

so funny. the way they were telling it was hilarious, copying the way the people actually talked.

firsts

anyway, like i said, the trip was really fun despite the fact that it was soooo inappropriate for a number of reasons. the following firsts were accomplished:

1) puke-o-mania - when we were on a ferry on the way to Bintan from Singapore, the waves were, umm, uncooperative. haha. it isn't an exaggeration when i say that half the people around us had a bag attached to their mouths as they profusely expelled unwanted human wastes like bullemic people. it was like riding "Anchors Away" in Enchanted Kingdom with the speed on maximum, without any harnesses, and on repeat for an hour. funniest thing ever. after a while, the entire ferry smelled kinda funky.
2) riding an All-Terrain Vehicle - yes. doyti and i rode on ATV's and ventured through a very rough and uber muddy jungle path and went around for five laps. i'm suddenly considering becoming a professional Four-Wheel Frenzy Driver. haha.
3) body boarding
4) fighting waves - quite literally. you slap yourself against 7-10 foot waves and see if you come out still breathing.
5) the starriest night ever - i've never seen the ENTIRE [i mean the ENTIRE] sky cast with stars. makes me sad i was with my sister on the particular moment
6) saw the clearest shooting star - the 3rd shooting star i've seen in my life, best and clearest of all [grant my wish]
7) seeing fireflies
8) catching fireflies
9) seeing flying fish
10) open-air, candle-lit, beachfront dinner underneath the starriest night ever... with my sister - yes. wrong. wrong. sick. sick.

**

2006

four more hours. Happy New Year Everyone. i'll blog again tomorrow or the 2nd to rate the year 2005. hahaha.

**

that's all for now. gonna take a pre-new year nap. hahaha. i'll post all the pictures in my Multiply tomorrow.

blog#77

2005-12-21T19:53:00.000+08:00

school and lack of content has prevented me from writing an entry sooner. now, i've got two weeks of immortality once again [yes, i officially refer to vacations as 'periods of immortality'], but still no interesting content to write about.

getting to know you

sometimes, the people you count on knowing every little thing about you tend to lose sight of the big picture. you think you know someone, but you really don't. and the worst part is, you still think you do. people assume too much. time spent and experiences shared does not completely justify and confirm one's knowledge [or should i say assumptions] on someone else's identity. it pisses me off when people think they know me. it pisses me off even more if they're the people who REALLY SHOULD know me.

"you're so lazy."

i'm selectively passionate. give me something i really wanna do and i'll do it until i get hurt, until i die.

"you're so secretive."

they're only secrets because you're interested in them. if you weren't, they'd just be called 'my thoughts.'

"you're so superficial."

i'm idealistic. [yeah. this is bad. i should stop this.]

"but no one's perfect, you know."

yes. but there's someone out there who's perfect for somebody else. there's a difference.

"you're so messy and unorganized."

i'm spontaneous and i take things as they come.

"you don't understand. bata ka pa."

you don't understand either. matanda ka na.

"why don't you want to succeed in life?"

success is so subjective. i don't even know where to begin to explain this. and besides, building castles in this life will prevent one from entering the kingdom in the next.

anyway. only recently have i come to fully realize that there really is NO pleasing everybody. there WILL be someone who'll think you stink more than a field of horse shit. but i guess there's comfort in knowing that to some people, horse shit smells heavenly.

**

when you're with someone everyday, you see how he/she talks and acts, how much soy sauce he/she likes on his/her viands, and what little things he/she can do just to get on your last nerves. face it. at one point or another, being with the same people 24/7 will get rather annoying if not completely enraging. love and compromise are what keep things at bay. if these two factors aren't in the picture, some of us would just reach for the door and get out.

it's tough when you're a black sheep in a family of wolves. sooner or later, you'll relaize they're just fattening you to eat you up. yeah, that's what i'm feeling right now. being eaten up. and when the moon is full and the pack's on top of the hill, a cold tone will be felt all over the forest as each of them howl majestically, affiriming their rule over all the land. and suddenly, the chilly, creepy mood is broken... "BAAAAAAAH!" bah, bah, blacksheep.

i can't stress enough how distanced i feel towards my family. i try my very best to relate with them and i try my very best to fit in, but in the end, i just don't seem to. i would have to shave my own wool and learn how to howl like the rest of them. the toehr day, my two sisters entered a looong conversation on the way home from a family reunion. an emo talk, if you will. and my, my, it's rather different from all the emo talks i've ever experienced. and it's weird cuz all the other emo talks i've ever had were essentially the same. even though the people were all different and the topics varied, the same dark cloud always seemed to be present above us. always looming, and pouring out the same cold drops of rain that somehow brought comfort and relief through the piercing frigid feeling. but this time, it was just weird. like the raincloud had changed into some sort of weird looking space-ship like object in the sky which will just leave you dumb-founded, jaw-dropped and saying... "what the fuck is that?" di talaga ako maka-relate. even if i tried. so i just tucked myself on the seatbelt and pretended to sleep.

it's weird that i'm feeling this right before Christmas. are the relations i have with my family merely skin-deep? maybe my skin is just too wrinkly and too damn thick for their needles of business, success, and O.C.-ness to penetrate.

blog#76

2005-12-12T19:14:00.000+08:00

fate is a hobo

fate's hands may seem filthy at first glance, but they're cleaner than you think. so don't be shy, take its hands.

ever notice how the little things you do suddenly turn out to mean something? this morning, as i was preparing to leave for another half-dead day of school, i contemplated on whether i should bring two small towels or just one. it's something you don't really think about, but somehow, today, my braincells were racing and solving the seemingly impossible riddle of whether TWO towels should be brought [for my basketball game later on in the day] or just one. after what seemed like a hundred days of scientific process, theories, and possibilities, i ended up bringing two towels.

on the way to school, i noticed that the little bar on my gas meter was forcing itself to reach the red line, as if desperately trying to say, "pa-gas ka na, gago!" but, a stubborn self and fifteen minutes left till my first class prevented me from making a thirty-second stop for gas.

fast forward.

third quarter of the Organization Division 6 finals between the Ateneo Rifle Pistol Team "Tira2Bang2" and the AComm Sophomores. Tira2Bang2 is down by ten [yes, we ended up losing terribly]. some guy from the other team pulls up for a jumper. missed it. Tira2Bang teammates JV [forgot his last name] and Nino Santa Maria scramble for the loose rock. in an act of pure intensity and desire to win, JV accidentally elbows Nino hard in the face as he grabs the rebound. the possession goes on as the eyes of the crowd slowly shift to the other side. then, we notice something, "o, ba't parang kulang tayo sa offense?" i look back on the defensive end and see blood on the court. Nino's cheek had burst open. "o, putang ina, nagdudugo si Nino!!" was the first thing out of my mouth. blood gushing out like there was no tomorrow. spectators and even bench players from the other games begin staring. the game stops and we rush to his aid. his hand was all red and drippy as he put pressure on the wound. then it dawned to me, i had two towels! [cue "tenen!" music] i rushed to my bag and got the second towel out and ran back to give it to Nino whose face made him look like the inside-out boy. hmmmmm.

fast forward.

on my home, i finally fought off my laziness and stopped for gas. as i pulled over beside the gas machine thing, i reached for my quaint-little-bag [as mon so lovingly calls it. it's a term for the little bag you carry around when you've got another big bag. it's a container for all your essentials] and lo-and-behold, it was not in the car. "o, putang ina, nawawala bag ko!!" was the first thing out of my mouth. with the gas attendant knocking at my window saying, "good evening po! welcome to shell!", i "too-fast-too-furioused" back to Ateneo to find my quaint-little-bag [which contained my wallet, license, cellphone, and most importantly, a tuna sandwich]. luckily, it was still right where i left it on the courts. it took me an hour to get home and if i had realized the bag was gone by that time, it'd have been impossible to come back for it. hmmmmm.

maybe it's all just a big "co-accidence." i guess it's up to the beholder. to have faith in fate? with the way things are in my life, there's really no reason to be intense and to try and make things happen too much. just gotta ease in, and let the universe unfold as it should. hehehehe.

[P.S. bois, this is all just an excuse for the dread of May 31, 2007. mwehehehehehe.]

blog#75

2005-12-08T18:46:00.000+08:00

modern day samaritans

ever had a good deed present itself right in front of you and all of a sudden you feel uneasy and hesitant? you end up letting the good deed pass and what could have been a heavenly indulgence becomes another chunk of conscience on your back. the other day, i was walking around in Robinson's Galleria when i saw this man who was reaching into his pocket. as he removed his hand, a P20 bill slipped out and i felt the exact same way i've just described. i didn't know whether i should call the attention of the man and give him back his twenty-peso bill. now, you may think "it's just twenty bucks." but what if he needed that to catch the MRT to get home to his family? yeah, there's that chunk-o-conscience i was talking about.

i ended up walking right past the twenty-peso bill. i tried making comfort out of it thinking that maybe the person who'd end up picking it up would put it to good use.

this is a piece of paper that was posted on the wall outside our house. apparently, some guy parked there and got towed. this may be going a bit to the extremes, but he made sure that no one else would experience the 'injustice' that had befallen him [well, there WASN'T any Tow-away Zone sign. but then again, who parks on street corners anyway?] i guess this would be the way this guy's conscience would clear up. it's a different situation from the P20 bill adventure, but it's still essentially similar.

this guy made me think. the next time something like that happens again, none of us should feel hesitant or uneasy. what's there to lose anyway? why do we feel humiliated and ashamed to actually do something good? the problem is, everybody's too busy following the trends that people make up so we've forgotten the little things that used to matter and that should matter no matter how small they are. it's always the easy way or the way everyone takes. these days, doing things the right way is just not cool. you'll be surprised to what extent people go to these days just to be cool. i'm not gonna be a hypocrite, i know all this because i'm one of those people, hopelessly caught up in a society where what other people think matters more than it should. we're victims of our own crime. the least i can do, i guess, is to do the little things the right way. to give people back their P20 bills. to never run a redlight even though it's 2am and there are no cars in sight. to never leave garbage in smug little areas for concealing [ever notice that Filipinos loooove to hide things they no longer want? bus tickets in the seat handles. gum lodged on the escalator handrails. tissue papers and old water bottles under carseats. it's just weird and very unhygienic]

blog#74

2005-12-04T20:58:00.000+08:00

me think you pretty

my family decided to do a Kreative Kris Kringle [or a Super Secret Santa, if you will] this year, as mentioned in my previous entry. it's great cuz to keep the anonymity of the whole thing, we decided to make up codenames and distribute them to each other so no one knows who's who; codenames like Gollum, Lady Lara Croft, The Incredible Hulk, Darth Vader, and my favorite of all, King Kong. so you can just imagine what goes into the dedication cards of gifts:

To Lady Lara Croft,

Me think you pretty. Want climb up building with me? I give you bananas. Have nice Christmas. ROOOAAAAARR.

Love,
King Kong

[only to find out in the end, my dad drew Lady Lara Croft and I drew King Kong. hahahaha. that'd be a hoot.]

tonight, we determined our codenames and the identities of those whom we'll be giving our gifts to. i drew the worst name of all, and my gift-ee makes the two of us a very, umm, weird combination. hahaha. we also determined the kind of gifts we'll be giving. see, it's three gifts for the three remaining weeks of the year. and the budget for each gift except the last [which would be the special free-for-all gift] is a mere P100. and for the first week, we have to get something scary and for the next, something beautiful. off to divisoria.

to add insult to injury, or in this case, to humiliation, we're having a Christmas Costume Party while giving our final gifts to each other. we hafta dress up as the character we've been assigned and act like that character for the party. hmm, now i really wish my dad had drawn Lady Lara Croft, and my mom drew The Hulk or something. hehehe. that'd be hilarious.

this is going to be a very Merry Christmas.

** ooh, visit my multiply btw. new pictures. that's all.

blog#73

2005-11-29T21:13:00.000+08:00

telescope

[fiction. inspired by a weird conversation i had with Andre Calixto on one of our sabog nights on the roof]

If you put a mirror in space, say, a lightyear or so away from the Earth, then look at the mirror (which consequently reflects an image of the Earth) through a very powerful telescope, you'd see into the past. You'd see everything you were doing a few years back. You'd see all the mistakes you did, all the events that have become regrets, and all obstacles that have led to the present. If that were possible, I'd be first in line to take a peek into the Telescope To The Past. If that were possible, I'd put the mirror in space and develop the telescope myself. Just to see you and I. The way things used to be.

A scientist once thought up of a theory. He said, 'Given enough time, and provided external forces are continuously acting upon it, any body of matter will always return to its original source. For example, if you go to a field, pick up a rock and throw it, sooner or later, the rock WILL come back to where you're standing. It may take millions of years, and the rock may be reduced to a simpler state, but as long as external forces are acting on it, there will come a time that it will pass its origin.'

I know you may be miles away, but rest assured, though it may take a million years, YOU will find yourself back with me. You're my source and I'm yours.

[emo to the millionth power. you're aces, science boy.]

Christmas

my family decided to do Kris Kringle this year, upon my request. that means just one gift for everyone. tipid. and, uhh, meaningful. actually can't wait till this year's christmas. dozens of relatives from all over the globe are coming over and we're all going to live under one roof. our roof. i think's it's kinda gonna be like Hey Arnold!'s boarding house. exciting, really.

there's this certain feeling that can only be felt during christmas. that's why i don't really feel the spirit until the morning of the 25th. it's not the rpesents, it's not the fact that everyone forgets their hatred towards each other, it's not all the fake smiles and phony friendships that last a day, it's not ALL about religion. then what the hell is it about? i guess there's no easy way to explain it. no trip abroad can ever compare to waking up in your own bed christmas morning, with a carol in your head and a smile on your face. you look out and see that the milk and cookies you left out are collecting ants and cockroaches. [santa never paid me a visit. except one time he gave me an NBA Live '97 cartridge for my Sega. it came with a letter written in my mom's handwriting. maybe santa and my mom learned penmasnhip in the same school?] anyway, what was my point? oh yeah, the fuzzy feeling. it feels like eating chocolate while having your biggest crush kiss your cheek while petting a cute puppy while getting high grades on your supposed failed subject while waking up realizing there aren't any classes and you can sleep all day while having pizza delivered while slow dancing with the one you love while singing out-of-tune videoke with your eccentric family.

yeah, it sort of resembles those feelings.

but.. a 'bah humbug' for now. hehe.

blog#72

2005-11-27T20:47:00.000+08:00

social awareness

ako si inbisibol man...

... at di nila ako kita. araw-araw ako'y sumisigaw, rumarampa, nagwawala't naghuhubad sa harap ng isang awdyens na patuloy lamang sa kanilang mga karagdagang gawain. mga mukhang istatwa; mga bibig na sumasabay sa mga kantang hindi ko naririnig at hindi ko alam kung marinig ko man; mga taong kinakausap ang kanilang selfon na parang ito'y nakapaghahatid ng bagong dimensyon kung saan ang isang tulad ko'y hindi nabubuhay; mga matang titingin nang sandali pagkatapos babalik sa ilaw na nakapagpapatunay ng kanilang kinabukasan at kinaroroonan (pula. dilaw. berde.): ang mga ito ang awdyens ko. walang kuwentang awdyens na di man lang hihingi ng encore sa aking palabas na pinaghanda ko buong buhay ko. mula nung ako'y inbisibol boy, nahasa na ang aking iskils sa iba't ibang paraan upang makapagpakita ng mas epektibong perpormans sa aking minamahal na awdyens. ngunit, kahit ano man ang gawin ko, ako'y inbisibol pa rin. ako ang tsuperhiro na hindi na nga tsuper, nangangailangan pa ng sariling hiro.

marami atang tao ngayon ah. baka may seyl sa plasa. buti na lang, dito ako pumupuwesto kahit todo tutol ang mga taong naka bughaw. minsan nga, sa konting tubo ko sa mga taong may dalang eksreyglases, kinukuha pa nila, para bumili ng yosi't kendi. ang mga taong-bughaw, kailangan, iwasan. sila and tsuperbileyn ng isang tsuperhiro na hindi naman tsuper at nangangailangan ng sariling hiro.

haaay. marami ngang tao, inbisibol pa rin ako. kahit napakabagal ng andar ng mga tao, at kahit magsalsal na ako sa harap nila, ako'y parang hangin lamang na hinihinga nila.. ngunit mas mabaho. lakad lakad. tingin tingin. katok katok. piso piso. tenkyu tenkyu. pansin ko lang, pa-onti nang pa-onti ang mayeksreyglases ngayon. siguro nagmahal na.

sa gitna ng lahat, ako'y nagpasiya gumawa ng granpinali. sa gitna ng lahat, sa araw na iyon, ako'y naghubad, sumayaw at kumanta. kahit hindi ako magaling kumanta, baka marinig pa rin nila ako. sabi ni inbisibol girl, pag hubad ka raw, magkakaeksreyglases ang mga tao. otomatik daw yun. pero, ba't kung ako? wala pa ring nakakakita? eto na nga ako o, nasa gitna ng daan, parehong kamay nakalabas, nagbubuhat ng napakabigat na mga piso sa bawat palad. haaaay. ayoko na nito. di talaga sisikat ang aking palabas nito. sana, normal na tao na lang ako. taong walang tsuperpawurs. buti pa sila, nagkakakitaan....

ako si inbisibol ma. nabangga sa interseksyon. nabagok ang ulo. duguan sa gitna ng kalye. eto ang wakas ng aking granpinali. at napakita ko na rin sila.

blog#71

2005-11-21T21:53:00.000+08:00

passionates and fashionates

being the only son [not to mention, the youngest] in a family of over-achievers is tough. first of all, it's tough to cope. when everyone's excelling and is already far beyond all you've accomplished, you're expected to do the same, if not more. in my family, you always have to be productive. you always have to be doing something. you always have to have something going for you. i was just imagining, if/when i get a girlfriend, she will be bashed, criticized, interrogated, and worst of all, be compared to EACH of my sisters. that's tough. [it's tougher for me cuz my sisters' boyfriends don't have bases for comparison cuz i don't have a brother] she will be tried and tested if she fits in the circle, in the plan. she will be examined thoroughly to see if she's good enough. now, all that doesn't seem right, right? whatever happened to good ol' emotions, chemistry, attraction, the bonds, heck, love? well, they say throw all that in too. hahaha. good luck.

wait, where was i? oh yeah, coping.

now, being the only name bearer in the name, it'll be my job to continue the legacy. to be the best. always to be the best [at least that's always what i'm told]. to uphold the name with pride, prestige and honor. but i ask, what's in a name? what if the life presented to me is not the life i wish to live? my parents keep telling me that i'm free to choose, that i can do whatever i want [as long as i'm the best at it. {why do you have to be the best? i just wanna enjoy what i'm doing. being the best doesn't always mean enjoying yourself}], but the truth is, it's pressure-o-mania. i'm being groomed to sit at the thrown. the next emperor of a supposed great dynasty. i'm strong enough to think otherwise for now. to be sturdy with my philosophies. but soon enough, with enough prodding, i'm going to lose everything i aspire for. all the things i believe in. the biggest picture. i'll be brainwashed. and i'll be stuck trying to make money, making the company big and wasting my life with worldy affairs. that's not the life i want. the reason why i "waste" my time on writing, on playing video games [i will play FF8 until i die], on daydreaming, on sleeping, on seemingly meaningless things, is because it's the only way i can express myself in the way i want to. these are the only outlets i have to escape this world. every night, i go to bed wishing that i wake up somewhere else. this world bores me so much. sure, i love my family and friends but i have to get away if i want to be truly happy. i know what i've got and what i've got is a lot, butit's not what i want. this is why a career in business will never do it for me. the closest i ever get to attaining what i want are at the times i'm asleep and i dream about it, the times i write about it, and at the times i tell myself that God WILL put reason to all this desire [i never asked to want all of this. i just do]. it's all i want.

it's tough cuz i don't fit in the plan. i'm like the wrong piece of the puzzle that they're desperately trying to fit. but i think, with a little bending and forcing, i'll soon be part of the puzzle myself. though i'd be the piece that doesn't compliment the entirety of the puzzle, i'll still fit.

gaarggh. someone save me.

new hobby

da vinci's got nothing on me

uh-oh. i have a new hobby. but i suck at it. but soon, with more practice, i'll be good at it. the artist in me knows so.

hey, it's my first painting. cut me some slack.

i've found another means to escape. haaay. just hope one day, i actually will.

blog#70

2005-11-17T17:35:00.000+08:00

all dogs go to heaven

my sister and her fiance's child passed away yesterday. coupled with their postponed wedding, this blow took them by surprise and took them hard. and she had turned a year old four days ago. she was always a happy little critter, always welcome, always active, always loving, despite her large size. we're all going to miss her.

biggest smile of them all

wasn't she cute? boo. she passed away with either heat stroke or a hear attack. see, right after we took her for a walk, she started getting weak. really weak. till she couldn't stand up anymore. she started barfing and then began breathing slower and slower. until... she let go. we rushed her to the vet, but it was too late.

R.I.P China. You will always be remembered.

harry potter

i watched harry potter 4 last night. great movie. i won't bore you guys with the details. but it's definitely a must-see. it's great how they capture the early teenage angst that we all go through especially through ron and hermione. according to james though [i'm not a fan], they omitted too many events. but still, it's enough for the non-readers like me to appreciate it. but just a note, parts one and two were whimsical and childish. part three was dark, but as in goosebumps-dark or are-you-afraid-of-the-dark-dark, so kids could still appreciate it. now, part 4 is just plain dark. sure they put in lotsa fun, family-oriented stuff in there, but cursing? sexual references? bad moral values? an evil sans-nose man forming out of a placenta from a cauldron? plain distrubing, dude. i'd rate it R-13.

survey

1.. A - Age
> seventeen.

2. B - best asset
> i push myself to always understand.

3. C - Career
> author. artist [NOT an artista]. teacher. creative director for an ad agency [preferrebly the spear-header for Nike campaigns]. social worker.

4. D - Drink or smoke
> any.

5. E - Easiest person/s to talk to
> the bois. the dads.

6. F - Food that you could never eat
> none. i'll eat anything. okay, maybe not something that came out of an animal's ass.

7. G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms
> gummy bears.

8. H - Hobbies
> music. movies. writing. trying new things. adventuring.

9. I - In-love?
> nope.

10. J - Junk food you like
> pizza. burgers.

11. K - Kids
> I'M a kid.

12. L - Longest trip
> 24 hours.

13. M - My favorite sports
> basketball. soccer. bowling. wall-climbing. water sports. table tennis.

14. N- Number of siblings
> three.

15. O - One wish you have?
> that everything clears up one day.

16. P - Phobias
> scary looking dolls. scary looking, old, black & white photographs. flesh-eating zombies that RUN after you [dawn of the dead].

17. Q - Favourite Quote
> unless it makes you bleed, it isn't real.

18. R - Reason to smile right now
> i'm at home. i'm safe. and i'm healthy.

19. S - Song you sang last
> slide - goo goo dolls.

20. T - time you woke up
> 530am.

21. U - Unknown fact about you -
> uhm, i like cooling my pillows in front of the AC before i go to bed.

22. V - Vegetable/fruit you love -
> mangoes.

23. W - Worst habit
> procrastinating.

24. X - X-rays you've had
> chest x-ray.

25. Y - Yummy food/s
> japanese. thai. italian. tapa king.

26. Z - Zodiac sign
> pisces.

**

(x) Smoked a cigarette.
(x) Smoked a cigar.
( ) Smoked a joint.
( ) Crashed a friend's car.
( ) Stolen a car.
(x) Been in love.
(x) Been dumped.
( ) Shoplifted.
( ) Been fired.
(x) Been in a fist fight.
(x) Snuck out of the house.
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
( ) Been arrested.
(x) Made out with a stranger.
(x) Gone on a blind date.
(x) Lied to a friend.
( ) Had a crush on a teacher
(x) Skipped school.
(x) Seen someone die.
(x) Been to Australia
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been to Africa
(x) Been to Europe
(x) Been to China
(x) Been on a plane.
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
(x) Thrown up in a bar.
(x) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire.
(x) Eaten Sushi.
(x) Dove off a cliff.
( ) Been snowboarding.
( ) Met someone from the Internet in person.
(x) Been moshing at a concert.
( ) Been in an abusive relationship.
(x) Taken painkillers.
(x) Love someone or miss someone right now.
(x) Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by.
( ) Made a snow angel.
( ) Had a tea party.
(x) Flown a kite.
(x) Built a sand castle.
(x) Gone puddle jumping.
(x) Played dress up.
(x) Jumped into a pile of leaves.
( ) Gone sledding.
(x) Traveled alone.
(x) Cheated while playing a game.
(x) Been lonely.
(x) Fallen asleep at work/school.
(x) Used a fake ID.
(x) Watched the sun set.
(x) Felt an earthquake.
(x) Touched a snake.
(x) Slept beneath the stars.
(x) Been tickled.
(x) Been robbed.
(x) Been misunderstood.
(x) Pet a goat.
(x) Won a contest.
(x) Run a red light.
( ) Been suspended from school.
(x) Been in a car accident.
(x) Had braces.
(x) Felt like an outcast.
( ) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night.
( ) Danced in the moonlight.
(x) Hated the way you look.
(x) Loved the way you look.
(x) Climbed a mountain.
(x) Witnessed a crime.
( ) Pole danced.
( ) Been obsessed with post-it notes.
(x) Walked barefoot through the mud.
(x) Been lost.
(x) Been to the opposite side of the country.
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying.
( ) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers.
(x) Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers.
(x) Sung karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins.
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
(x) Made prank phone calls when you were younger.
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) Caught a snowflake on your tongue.
( ) Danced in the rain.
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus.
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe.
( ) See the sun rise with someone you care about.
(x) Blown bubbles.
(x) Had a bonfire on the beach.
(x) Crashed a party.
(x) Gone rollerskating.
(x) Had a wish come true.
( ) Worn pearls.
(x) Jumped off a bridge.
(x) Ate dog/cat food
( ) Told a complete stranger you loved them.
(x) Kissed a mirror.
(x) Sang in the shower.
( ) Owned a little black dress.
( ) Had a dream that you married someone.
(x) Glued your hand to something.
( ) Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole.
( ) Kissed a fish.
(x) Worn the opposite gender's clothes.
( ) Been a cheerleader.
(x) Sat on a roof top
(x) Screamed at the top of your lungs.
(x) Done a one-handed cartwheel.
( ) Talked on the phone for more than 3 hours.
(x) Stayed up all night.
( ) Didn't take a shower for a week.
(x) Picked and ate a fruit right off the tree.
(x) Climbed a tree.
(x) Had a tree house.
(x) Are scared to watch scary movies.
(x) Believe in ghosts.
( ) Have more than 30 pairs of shoes.
( ) Worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say.
( ) Gone streaking.
(x) Played chicken.
(x) Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on.
( ) Been told you're beautiful by a complete stranger.
(x) Broken a bone.
(x) Been easily amused.
(x) Caught a fish then ate it.
(x) Caught a butterfly.
(x) Laughed so hard you cried.
(x) Cried so hard you laughed.
(x) Mooned/flashed someone. [a man]
(x) Had someone moon/flash you. [again, men]
(x) Cheated on a test.
(x) Forgotten someone's name.
( ) French braided someone's hair.
(x) Grown a beard.
(x) Rule at life.

blog#69

2005-11-10T20:24:00.000+08:00

growing down

today, i overhauled my room. totally. i cleaned it inside, out. it took me the whole day since it's really the very first time i've ever done it. hehehe. so you can imagine the massive dust bunnies i was able to collect. looked like cumulu-nimbus formations in the sky. anyway, while rummaging through all the trash and clutter that have been ignored for years, i came across a lot of memories that got me emo. well, not exactly.

1) i found my old NBA cards. reminiscing the times when i knew all the stats of all the players in the league. and i was just 9 or so. going through the pile of random cards with names such as Rex Walters, Acie Earl, Muhammad Abdul-Rauf, i spotted a couple of finds which would cost a lot today. rookie cards of Steve Nash and Kevin Garnett. whoo.

2) old pictures. pictures from my childhood. freaky, actually.

young traveler: artsy

one of the few complete pictures of the SF. great fashion sense. note: on this day, i am now the smallest in the group

the guys on a trip to EK: paintball

gradeschool graduation day

elocution contest in kindergarten: yes, that is joel on the right

busride to bauan: members of the gago group

bree and i at bauan, batangas

how surreal. hehehehe.

3) old palanca/sorry/copies of love/recollection letters and notes. check these out.

joel's fourth grade recollection letter to, apparently, all of us. howie's part of this?

the letter donita rose wrote to me when my sister introduced me to her. pictures will NOT be shown.

plus, there's this one letter that a close friend made for the SF [which, btw, stands for The Superfreaks if anyone's wondering] i'll rewrite the exact letter [it's typewritten anyway], but i won't tell you who wrote it and i'll hold the names that he mentioned and allow you guys to match em yourselves. hehehe.

Ei dude. Ano, wala naman ako masabi dahil araw-araw na rin tayo nag-uusap usap eh. Basta, pag may shit ka, sabihin mo lang sa akin, sa atin, the superfreaks kasi alam mo, wala na tatalo sa freaks eh. pangngalan pa lang, pangit na... ah astig pala. hehehe.... i mean, ya got the maestro, the king, the kuya and the unconventional ______. tapos nandyan pa si ______, and heartthrob sa atin, kaso may boyfriend nga lang, hehehe, tapos nandyan pa ung mayabang na feeling na astig, ______ ba yon? ah ______ nga.. tapos nandyan din ung athletic ______, ung may crush sa sarili, pati si ______, the weird guy na genius pero masyado siya weird eh... and of course, ahem ahem......

but seriously, we really are special (cheesy/emotional). we are very smart, no question, handsome, ask the girls (huh?) and very talented. it takes two to tango and six to freakify. so that's it, any problem, go to me, except if the problem is really serious and hassle masyado, hehehe, loko lang,any stories, talk to me, any new stuff, share with me, hehehe..... (is this [name of writer]?)

lastly, keep up the good work. you kick ass and you know it.

it takes six to freakify?!? what the hell is that? hehehe. just kidding, dude.

aaaaand so, not only is my room uber clean and free of the infestation of dust bunnies, i was able to recollect, reminisce and wonder. hehehe. so, what of the events happening today? will i, too, look back at them in the future. course i will. we'll just hafta see what's there to look back upon.